#1
I?m filling my lungs with poisonous
nauseous nitrate oxide adding
more layers of undermining massacres
hoping to wreathe and weave
their way to a sprinting setting sun.
A sun of which will never be complete
ellipsed or evolutionized .

I?ve become tired of running
or fatigued of forcing others
to breathe breathless boastings
which were never evident anyway.
I?m starting to become a sun
a sun which shines on a
abandoned land that is more worthy
of a sun that never gets tired.

I?m losing my orbital design,
and my gravitonal optimism
is starting to become incomplete.
For I am tired of ceaselessly chasing
something that is impossible to reach.


Mike
Last edited by TrigFunction at May 24, 2006,
#2
some of the alliteration was good i didn't liek breathe breathless i felt it was quiete awkward sounding.

"And my gravitonal optimism
Is starting to become incomplete"

I think that could have been combined into one line and served the same purpose.

The inconsistant caps for the starting of lines i felt was very weird and disrupted the piece for me. I can't explain why but it did. I liked hte doulbe alliteration more than the triple... if that makes sense. I think it was used effectively here however sometimes i question your word choices in all of your pieces. Also your sporadic punctuatino throws it off much in the same way of the caps. I liked the last two lines though. I thought they were good. and served a good ending. I feel that the last stanza is by far the better of the three.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
I?m filling my lungs with poisonous good line
Nauseous nitrate oxide adding good alliteration and just an overall good feel to it
more layers of undermining massacres massacre is one of those words i tend to stay away from because its general but at the same time its definition is so imprinted in peoples minds they cant interpret it their own way, if that makes sense. I would get rid of it and find a more subtle synonym. Other than that good line.
hoping to wreathe and weave
their way to a sprinting setting sun. I would switch subjects here. As in, instead of continuing to comment on the 'nitrate oxide' use a symbolic piece of natural beauty, and to go along with your theme i would choose a cloud. beautiful lines other than that though, excellent imagery
A sun of which will never be completerephrase 'of which' as it throws off your chi
Ellipsed or evolutionized excellent

I?ve only just become tired of running
Or fatigued of forcing othersnice little doubt here that intrigues me
to breathe breathless boasteringstoo much alliteration isnt natural, cut down on it and be less zealous, my son (sorry if i'm stealing will's gimmick)
of which were never evident anyway again, you manage to incorporate that doubtful wit in which you second guess your previous statement in order to clarify, thats a style I have always enjoyed
I?m starting to become a sun brilliant tie to the previous stanza
A sun of which shines on a
Abandoned land that is more worthy I dont like these two lines and i dont know why... change something about them, maybe go back to the cloud image i suggested earlier or something, but change these
Of a sun that never gets tired. take out sun here, its awkward. I would use the term 'luminescence' somewhere in here as well, it just seems like it belongs

I?m starting to lose my orbital design
And my gravitonal optimism i dont know why but this couplet thing here made me laugh, excellent
Is starting to become incomplete
For I am tired of ceaselessly chasing
Something that is impossible to reach.

i've enjoyed reading this more than a majority I have read on this website, you are a good writer and i've told you that already, however, this is the first time i've really seen you shine. I truly loved this piece. The only thing i would shift in your style would be to focus less on the inconceivable (ie. the universe) and focus it on symbolism. Basically focus on the specifics and have it be your representative to the general, if any of this makes sense.

if you could: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=356421
#5
Quote by TrigFunction
I?m filling my lungs with poisonous
nauseous nitrate oxide adding
more layers of undermining massacres
hoping to wreathe and weave
their way to a sprinting setting sun.
A sun of which will never be complete
ellipsed or evolutionized .
The first alliteration is kind of awkward, but works still because of the harsh sound it gives off that goes along with the subject. I think it sounds like you're trying too hard and not using terse writing with the 'wreathe and weave' line. I'd take out the weave. It sounds better if you say 'Sprinting sunset'. Take out the 'of'. TYPO ALERT. You mean 'eclipsed' don't you?

I?ve only just become tired of running
or fatigued of forcing others
to breathe breathless boasterings
of which were never evident anyway.
I?m starting to become a sun
a sun of which shines on a
abandoned land that is more worthy
of a sun that never gets tired.
Again take out the 'of' on the fourth line. Again on the sixth line. You mean 'an abandoned land...'. Good.

I?m starting to lose my orbital design,
and my gravitonal optimism
is starting to become incomplete.
For I am tired of ceaselessly chasing
something that is impossible to reach.
Good allusion to the sun overall. You mean 'Gravitational' I think. I like the internal alliteration, purposeful or not.


Mike


I really liked this, so I dove into it, especially the beginning had a few tiny mistakes, but it was nothing huge. Good job overall, good constant metaphor, lots of alliteration, which I appreciate myself, but alliteration can be overused, so watch that. I feel kind of weird giving you advice because I have always believed you were a better writer than me.

Could you crit one of mine in my sig, or this one
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=355250
Thanks

Cheers.
#6
Wow thanks for all the full crits everyone, I feel after reading this over a few times on here that it lacks a certain flow and ease which im going to correct. Also, ill take everyones suggestions into consideration cause i am actually quite fond of this one.
#7
Hey Mike, it's great to see you back - and on form.

The guys before have given fairly detailed responses, so I can't comment much but to say that I did enjoy this piece. Your basic theme is interesting, and you've managed to make it work exceptionally well, also bringing it together with a strong finish.

This was an easy and interesting read. Well played.
#8
Quote by TrigFunction
I?m filling my lungs with poisonous
nauseous nitrate oxide adding
more layers of undermining massacres
hoping to wreathe and weave
their way to a sprinting setting sun.
A sun of which will never be complete
ellipsed or evolutionized .

*No rhymes.. Not really a bad thing.. It's just interesting. I don't really get what the verse is talking about here.*

I?ve only just become tired of running
or fatigued of forcing others
to breathe breathless boasterings
of which were never evident anyway.
I?m starting to become a sun
a sun of which shines on a
abandoned land that is more worthy
of a sun that never gets tired.

*breath breathless boasterings? That's a mouthful. Maybe that was intentional, though. Anyway, I don't like it. The last four lines don't really makes sense. A sun that shines on an abandoned land is more worthy of a sun that never get's tired? A sun is worthy of another sun?*

I?m starting to lose my orbital design,
and my gravitonal optimism
is starting to become incomplete.
For I am tired of ceaselessly chasing
something that is impossible to reach.


*Weird song, dude. That's the best word I could use to describe it. It has almost an Alice In Chains mixed with Pink Floyd feel to it. To be honest, I don't really like it. Too weird for me. It didn't seem to really flow together either. I give it a 6 out of 10.


Peace.
#9
Alice in Chains? Dude. No. Incubus if anything.

At any rate.

I loved the first stanza and the third stanza. The second I felt was a little off. It just didn't mesh and it got a little repetetive and weighed down. Wonderful use of sceintific type language to get an unscientific point across. Loved it when it hit right.

Rock On
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#11
Quote by TrigFunction

I?m filling my lungs with poisonous
nauseous nitrate oxide adding
more layers of undermining massacres
hoping to wreathe and weave
their way to a sprinting setting sun.
A sun of which will never be complete
ellipsed or evolutionized .

I believe in the 6th line it should be completely instead of complete, or you may want to add punctuation to allow it to flow. I think you should add commas in places to help the flow somewhat. good diction though.


I?ve only just become tired of running
or fatigued of forcing others
to breathe breathless boasterings
of which were never evident anyway.
I?m starting to become a sun
a sun of which shines on a
abandoned land that is more worthy
of a sun that never gets tired.

on the 6th line, it should be "an" instead of "a". I would say the same as my previous statement about punctuation... It helps people know how the piece reads, flow wise.

I?m starting to lose my orbital design,
and my gravitonal optimism
is starting to become incomplete.
For I am tired of ceaselessly chasing
something that is impossible to reach.

This stanza really stood out to me in diction. This stanza is a very good ending. good job.



Mike


I thought the piece was good. It still needs help in flow though. Thanks for the Crit on my new piece.
#12
If you ever feel led astray in the world of rhyming and poetic form, this should be your anchor. I realize this comment is not necesary but i would just like to say that this is the first poem (not my own) that I have read more than twice on UG, in fact, I've come back to this more or less four different times and thats saying something. I'll repeat what I said earlier (and if i didnt, i meant to), this is a brilliant example of how to utilize assonance, consanance and literary idealology while still incorporating an over-arching theme and idea. Man, thats a hell of a lot of praise I just gave you there, praise that hasnt been said by me since i first read Will's writing, and again, thats saying something.

In summary, you rule Trig. keep on looking pretty.