#1
I don't want to make anything out of it
but when you, setting up the tent,
have me stand back, I feel inadequate.
that's not all of it, just what sticks.


the alcohol I pour into me that usually
makes me loud and friendly
turns me into a brooding beast.
I want you to cater to all of my irrational needs,
to listen to me when I'm not speaking.
nobody can take my sadness seriously, not even me.

when I close my eyes I see myself throwing rocks at windows, buildings
I want the voice I have and hate to change again

and in the tent
with no touching no kissing-you go straight to sleep-
it is my drunken realization that you no longer love me
and when I, trembling in the meager 30 degrees, finally get a short sleep
I dream a small dream where I watch your expressions as I explain to you my poetry

when I wake I stand up right away
planning to protect you from whatever's outside rustling
but from the window I see it's nothing
but wind, garbage, leaves

I lay back down
I want you to wake up now
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at May 9, 2006,
#2
Hmm. I thought it was a little weak compared to your usual stuff man (it's Gavin by the way), it wasn't packed with your usual metaphors. A little disappointing from my point of view.

However, it does adequately portray the picture you want, just in a simplistic way.

Much hearts.
#3
nobody can take my sadness seriously, not even me.


I feel that.

Nicely rhymed piece, very Bukowski (sorry for the comparissons, but it is).
#4
it's fine with me. I agree with Buk's theory of poetry I just try not to be so much of an asshole.

I don't use nearly as many metaphors anymore I don't think. my writing's changed a lot.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at May 9, 2006,
#5
**** me
I think thats fantastic =)
I love:[I]have me stand back, I feel inadequate.
that's not all of it, just what sticks
Nice one, its as song that youve described so well, that you can imagine what its like to be in that situation. Based on experience?
I love this man, well done.
Can you crit "oops wrong turning to heaven" for me?
xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#6
I don't use nearly as many metaphors anymore I don't think. my writing's changed a lot.


I can't remember you old stuff. You should pm me one sometime, i'd be intrested.
#7
I remember your old stuff... I thought they were great, though I can't remember, it was like 3 years ago.

This piece is simplistic, yet very intriguing, I find. You're still the writer that I used to look up to back then. I was actually there in the tent, feeling the emotion... I dunno, I just really connected to this excellent piece.

!troy!
#8
you can see some of my older, older work at: http://writinglounge.proboards23.com/index.cgi?board=mikepps

for some newer older work you can go to that link in my sig which takes you to http://threestarsalute.deviantart.com
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#9
any more? and you got a link for that one you wanted me to look at?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#10
Quote by less than that
it's fine with me. I agree with Buk's theory of poetry I just try not to be so much of an asshole.

I don't use nearly as many metaphors anymore I don't think. my writing's changed a lot.


I started to read this and thought of Bukowski immediately. And when I read further down I realised it was different. When I got to your post I really laughed because that was the exact difference. You're just not that of an asshole...

Anyway, saying that, this was very good. Very very good. The writing was flowing perfectly and the only time I took a pause was on the two-liner in the middle. To be honest, I think it was a bit odd to the rest of the piece, not so much in content but more in structure which set me back a little while reading.

I did like the second stanza a lot, it was written very well, but my favorite has to be the first stanza and the last two-liners. They made the piece for me. They held all the feeling for me.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#11
It was pretty good. I didn't like the first stanza. I don't feel it flows with the rest of the song.

Can u crit my song "Life is too short" ??
~gtrfrk


founder of the dunlop pick fan club


RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"
#12
oh, the other thing I think that's different between Bukowski and me is I write a lot less poems. seems to me like he wrote poems about a lot of things that didn't need to be poems. thanks a lot. I'm not sure if I like those two lines structurally but they do serve the purpose of transitioning the rhymes. I agree about where the emotion is.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#15
thanks guys
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in