#1
first thing i've written in forever. i can't write well anymore.
leave links and i'll glady repay the crit. so long as i'm not busy.

"applaud dear friends; and hold the world in your hands"

oh, farewell distant trainwreck.
i had fallen asleep on the tracks and waited for regret;
but i was greeted with this still-life instead.
"the sun is at half-mast and melts away the deceiving snow,
leaving the ground for what it really is,
a graveyard.
a tale of a falling star arises and the moon is struck with grief,
maybe it can't transcend over its perishing counterpart.
maybe it can't accept death."
and the portrait ends.

the static in the television drapes over our denial;
there's a corpse underneath every veil, but let's not have it revealed.
not quite yet.

first we shall promenade down to the gallows where we can truly hang our heads,
where failure and commitment are infinite and dates aren't never ending numbers.
where calendars read December 10th, 2001.
and it's not a holiday.
but an anniversary.

and there's a silent applause underneath the ground.
this isn't failure. in truth, we will be hanging;
bound by our necks, but we shall be living with no regrets.
#2
Quote by Final
first thing i've written in forever. i can't write well anymore.
leave links and i'll glady repay the crit. so long as i'm not busy.

"applaud dear friends; and hold the world in your hands"

oh, farewell distant trainwreck.
i had fallen asleep on the tracks and waited for regret;
but i was greeted with this still-life instead.
"the sun is at half-mast and melts away the deceiving snow,
leaving the ground for what it really is,
a graveyard.
a tale of a falling star arises and the moon is struck with grief,
maybe it can't transcend over its perishing counterpart.
maybe it can't accept death."
and the portrait ends.

Beautiful, the sun at half mast, graveyard, trainwreck present a wholly dismal opening. The whole thing has an air of gloomy reminiscing. Also, that pun with "falling star" clever.

the static in the television drapes over our denial;
there's a corpse underneath every veil, but let's not have it revealed.
not quite yet.

Like the internal rhyming.


first we shall promenade down to the gallows where we can truly hang our heads,
where failure and commitment are infinite and dates aren't never ending numbers.
where calendars read December 10th, 2001.
and it's not a holiday.
but an anniversary.

I think promenade didn't really work here, it sounds all sophiscticated and upper-class when it's really a walk to the gallows. Or maybe it was for the contrast? Irony? Anyways. The precise date is evokes a very personal feel.


and there's a silent applause underneath the ground.
this isn't failure. in truth, we will be hanging;
bound by our necks, but we shall be living with no regrets.

The last line seems sort of chunky, maybe change it to "but we shall live with no regrets" or something.


Finally you post something thats not telling someone to read the FAQs
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
Last edited by s0nofabe4ch at May 9, 2006,
#3
^But i think it's so poetic how he screams at everybody and occasionally name calls them.

"but i was greeted with this still-life instead."

I really liked that line. The effect it had on the reader (me) was like over whelmingly powerful.

"and the portrait ends."

Not big on this line though. i feel it was weak and maybe you jstu threw it in there for no real reason I dunno that' probably not the case but regardless i think this line was very weak.

"the static in the television drapes over our denial;
there's a corpse underneath every veil, but let's not have it revealed.
not quite yet."

This was good, nothing i would really change. maybe find a different word for revealed i think you could find a better word, one with more power.

"first we shall promenade down to the gallows where we can truly hang our heads,
where failure and commitment are infinite and dates aren't never ending numbers.
where calendars read December 10th, 2001.
and it's not a holiday.
but an anniversary."

I thought the first line was great I really liked it. The second line was good. Until the double negative. I really hate double negatives in writing and that pulls a lot away from the piece. The third line is good too, i can't think of the significance of december 10th, so maybe it's something personal. Or i'm an idiot. and the it's not a holiday, but an anniversary. was brilliant. I liekd this piece quite a bit for you not actually liking it so much. this third stanza is my favorite besides teh double negative.

The last two lines were good. but the one prior i didn't really like too much.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=356399 - if you have a few minutes
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
Last edited by furtherfan21 at May 9, 2006,
#4
you know i'd do you a fullcrit keeno but i got stuck on this one. i dunno what to write about it. haha and that's a good thing. i couldn't really see anything that i felt i needed to point out that i didn't think was wrong or slightly awkward. i really liked this piece. you capture your audiences well.

<3
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#5
Thank all of you guys. To answer whichever questions I can remember.. 'promenade' was thrown in there for the irony factor. The date is when somebody close to me passed away. Aaaaaand I can't remember anything else. Oh, yeah, I didn't want the double negative either, but oh well, I was hoping nobody would notice.

Thanks again guys, I love you.