#1
Okay back to the sad, depressed world that is my writing. This one is still in the works. Tell me what you think. Crit 4 Crit. Leave a link. Please crit the blue version.


(verse)
The sorrow that I have gone through
My life where have you gone to
Everything now seems so dull
Today is the day, I end it all
And now at last I am done
Will you be sad that I am gone

(chorus)
As years go by
Your heart grows cold
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old

New version.


(verse)
The sorrow that I have gone through
My life where have you gone to
Everything now seems so dull
Today is the day, I end it all
And now at last I am done
Will you be sad that I am gone

(chorus)
As years go by
Your heart grows cold
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old


(verse)

Hate and greed have filled your mind
They grow stronger as you lose time
You don?t recognize who you see in the mirror
Your everyday is filled with fear

(chorus)
As years go by
Your heart grows cold
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old

Good bye to you, I will not grow older
End it now and be young forever
Will you please pray for my soul
And teach me things I will never know
Now that this is my final hour
Next time I see you, please leave me a flower


(chorus)
As years go by
Your heart grows cold
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old
Last edited by guitar? at May 10, 2006,
#2
Quote by guitar?
Okay back to the sad, depressed world that is my writing. This one is still in the works. Tell me what you think. Crit 4 Crit.


(verse)
The sorrow that I have gone through
My life where have you gone to
Everything now seems so dull
Today is the day, I end it all
And now atlas I am done
Will you be sad that I am gone

There isn't much flow here in this verse. It read really jagged to me. Commonly written. I think you were going for 'alas' and not 'atlas' in the 5th line there. Not much punch or impact from this verse. It's rather 'dull'.

(chorus)
As years grow by
Your heart grows old
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old

This part does flow, but I felt that you needed some words to fill in some gaps:

As the years grow by
Your heart grows old
The things you love
You no longer know

After that though, it got bad. It ends really abruptly and seems to be needing two more lines at the end.


You have some work to do on this piece. There were alot of grammatical errors I didn't care to point out specifically. I would expand more on the idea of 'Your heart grows old.' Add some imagery in this. I got NO image whatsoever. Add pictures of aging. That would be good, imo.

I redid Politic-tac-toe if you would take a gander.


!troy!
#4

(verse)
The sorrow that I have gone through
My life where have you gone to
Everything now seems so dull
Today is the day, I end it all
And now atlas I am done
Will you be sad that I am gone

Those first two lines are amazing, the assonance and striking similarities really sound great. That's really good writing.
Infact, this whole stanza is really impressive. I like your style a lot. At first glance it seems mebbe a bit... I dunno, ordinary-ish, but it's really excellently written, and the subtle implications are so devious. I love this

(chorus)
As years grow by
Your heart grows old
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old

This is a bit... I dunno, different? I guess. It's weaker than the previous stanza IMO. I like the ideas you put forward here, but I feel it could be expressed a little more experimentally, rather than so straightforwardally

Good writing, and I also feel this could be expanded on? Great basis though, relaly like whatcha got so far

well done mate =]
Quote by Kensai
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#5
Pretty good song I'm guessing, I can tell that your depressed and sad about sometihng or other though, it reflects alot in your writing...

Ok well I thought the first verse was alirght, nothing I haven't heard before or nothing new bu the first two lines were very intriguing. And as Troy said, this verse is rather dull. The chorus is the better half of this song. Its different but I thought you worded it quite simpely but easy enough to be effective. Quite a different style I thought (you guys are going to think I'm crazy) of writing on the chorus, but I like it. Overall a little weak but good so I'll give you a 7/10. If you have a chance to crit mine it would be appreciated, the link is in my sig.

I look forward to the finished peice.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#6
typo it should be now at last right not now atlas... because that is something completely different. also you don't have punctuation and that is kind of annoying to decipher whether or not you were trying to ask a question in a certain spot. Neither of these seemed htat great to me. the kind of rhyming was a little weak the through/to rhyme especially.

The only way out is to never grow old so DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELF!
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#7
Okay thanks so far guys. First off calvinthecanadi I already did a crit for your song, a few days ago. So I will just get your next one. This seems to get mixed reactions to what is the better half. Plus what sucks is I lost the notebook which has the orignal draft and wrote this from what I remembered. And kunvulshuns I am going to crit you now.
#9
for a suicide song this is wonderfully hopeful. "I hope I die before I get old" it kind of echoes that. good times man I like it. I like the first two lines alot they're like classical I dunno it's good.
#10
i thought it was decent. the new version is better than the original, if you ask me.
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#11
i loved the second verse in the new version, It felt really...right. Really deep song, brings a tear to the eye. Love it. Thanks for the crit
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#12
hey,

okay i honestly didn't care for your rhyming in this. most of it was predictable. it was alright, i would just suggest using a different rhyme scheme
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#13
I believe that you have a solid piece here for what you were going for, unfortunately, your goal didnt seem to be that diffucult to achieve nor for the audience to arrive at. My suggestions to you are as follows: First, dont always take the easiest route to disclosing your intentions and point to the audience, work on subtlety and indirectness. ALong the lines of this are the lack of imagey which you utilize throughout. I believe any idea can be expressed perfectly with a good symbol or metaphor. Overall, very good piece for what your intentions were, but it could be more intellectual and subtle. good job.
#14
Quote by guitar?
Okay back to the sad, depressed world that is my writing. This one is still in the works. Tell me what you think. Crit 4 Crit. Leave a link. Please crit the blue version.


(verse)
The sorrow that I have gone through
My life where have you gone to
Everything now seems so dull
Today is the day, I end it all
And now at last I am done
Will you be sad that I am gone

(chorus)
As years go by
Your heart grows cold
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old

New version.


(verse)
The sorrow that I have gone through
My life where have you gone to
Everything now seems so dull
Today is the day, I end it all
And now at last I am done
Will you be sad that I am gone

Very Strong, seems to me that a person has a boring life and they want that to all change. I don't get the last line, it doesn't seem to fit with the theme, but who am I to judge that.

(chorus)
As years go by
Your heart grows cold
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old

Seems like its telling you that times change, and theres no way to prevent that. Very strong meaning right here. Don't change a WORD of that. It comes out *perfectly*.

(verse)

Hate and greed have filled your mind
They grow stronger as you lose time
You don?t recognize who you see in the mirror
Your everyday is filled with fear

Wow, the song started strong, and is still going strong. This is very true too, we become desensetized as time goes by, unfortunately. A bit depressing, but oh so truthful. Nice job on this verse too.

(chorus)
As years go by
Your heart grows cold
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old

-

Good bye to you, I will not grow older
End it now and be young forever
Will you please pray for my soul
And teach me things I will never know
Now that this is my final hour
Next time I see you, please leave me a flower

WoW. Very meaningful and touching. This is a great way to begin to finish up a song. The only thing i don't like is the last line. It seems as if you were trying MUCH to hard to rhyme there, and it doesn't make much sense. Just change that line, and you'll be golden.


(chorus)
As years go by
Your heart grows cold
Things you love
You now longer know
The only way out
Is to never grow old


-


Overall, a great song. keep up the good work. I only saw a few things that needed to be changed, all of which were very miniscule. Great job on this. Just fix those few things and this will be awesome. I'd be interested to hear a recording of this once the music for it is written. Also, please crit my song. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359331 --OA
#15
Thank you guys for the helpfull words. And Ocean Avenue your songs is locked, if you would like I could crit a different one. Thanks again everybody.
#16
I don't know if I'm repeating anyone with this, but I think the chorus especially was a problem with this. Not that it's badly writtne, but just because the theories behing it are always gonna be up for discussion.

I won't say much more, because I find it hard to have a balanced opinion on work that appears so mostly negative. Some of your ideas were good, but the way they were put across didn't have enough intelligence to win over disagreeing minds.

Still, not bad.