#1
so i haven't been here in like eight months or something, so where have i been? doing nothing but writing and performing. I decided for my return to the forum I would put up this song, it's one of my more serious ones. it's basically a springsteen influence (eveything i've been writing the past few weeks has been springsteen influenced.) I've also got some songs posted on my myspace website, so feel free to (shameless plug) check em out, i'll put the link at the bottom of the page.

with a tear in his eye
with a shortness of breath
with a comrade over him
to witness his death
with the envelope mailed
signed by the man
who pulled the first trigger
in his needless stand
Now his baby's cryin
Mama don't know why
How will she tell him
How his father died

He walks for us
through fire and stone
he walks for us
he stands alone
March side by side, each on their own
A Modern Day martyr never comes home

And he looked up to the sky
and a picture of his babe
cryin on the beach
kept company by the waves
his friend may rest in peace now
but he'll never forget
all the things he's seen
will stay with you can bet

He walks for us
through fire and stone
he walks for us
he stands alone
March side by side, each on their own
A Modern Day martyr never comes home

and he reaches for his neck
to kiss the cross on his chain
and out loud he prays
to just see his family again
and he falls down to his knees
as he prays to survive
and the bullet rips through the trees
and it burrows deep inside

martyrs don't survive


my music
bee yatch
Last edited by jpburns88 at May 10, 2006,
#3
loved it.

i really think this is very potent, loved the 1st and last stanzas!
Member #57 of The Weezer Fan Club
#4
thanks to both you fro your lvoe of the lyrics. i'll have to record sometime soon
bee yatch
#5
My first impressions suggest, that due to the wholly apparent Springsteen influence, you?ve become too reliant, on the by now clichéd, variants of elemental imagery.

I?ll return.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#7
There is no one who is without pretension; including your good self.

Nevertheless, what you have posted here is a fairly poignant, yet equally unremarkable, and ultimately derivative set of lyrics. As an obituary of sorts, it?s comparatively trite, with the portrait of the protagonist, blandly executed, in my opinion at least.

In summary, I believe that this will suit your needs perfectly, although that is not to say, that the core material couldn?t use some menial embellishment, to further enhance the emotive qualities of the piece.

Good luck, and keep well.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#8
Now his baby's cryin
Mama do know why


What does that mean??? Other than that one misunderstanding i loved it. It was awesome!!!! Almost made me cry. You've accomplished something! LOL
#9
opera_jade, i fixed that part of you, and hendrix, um, uh..well...mazeltov.
bee yatch
#10
Вы еврейский ублюдок! Не, что я являюсь расистом, мнением.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#11
I liked it dude. It was definetely influenced by Sprignsteen but who cares. Record it and I will download it. good times.
#12
i like "never comes home." gave me a slight chill the first time i read the chorus. cool **** man
#13
I liked the general idea of the piece, but I felt that there wasn't strong enough emotion in the words. The images were decent at best, but they could have also been stronger than they are. I don't like how it's singular, Modern Day Martyr, and think it should be pluralized. But that's me.

!troy!


ps. Listen to Will.
#14
If you're going to take advice from anyone here, take it from Will. Otherwise, don't post here. Most of other peoples' opinions count about as much as myspace comments. On the piece, it's entirely overdone. We've heard everything about this that needs to be said. Be original.

Also, how is someone a "Modern day martyr." It's not like there is a sudden resurrection of martyrdom. It's been happening every day since the dawn of contraversy. It's weak because the idea of being a martyr is to die for your cause. Of course they don't survive. You make it seem through this piece that the soldiers are fighting against their will, but at the same time are fighting and dying for their beliefs. It really doesn't make a lot of sense as a whole, and just seems like you are trying too hard.
Last edited by DanimalCrackers at May 10, 2006,
#16
Overall, i like it. I can definately see where some might say this has been overdone, and very similar to some of springsteins recent stuff (devils and dust). Although it represents a theme and style that has been overused, it was very well written.
I might be reading this wrong, but i dont really understand "will stay with you can bet"
Anyway, decent job. Well writen, and great visuals.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359967