#1
What's with all these dirty looks,
the phone just fell off of the hook,
the police will be on there way,
just to try and catch these crooks,

my left shoulders all alone,
like an empty ice cream cone,
waiting for a girl i'm all but here,
dont hit me or ill drip,
dont step on my puddle or youll slip,

why are all the good girls taken,
the mean people are all faking,
you think they're nice and spotless,
but you havent been in my shoes,

come by me,
then youll see,
im a heart broken nice guy in a necktie,
#3
Quote by neil-one
What's with all these dirty looks,
the phone just fell off of the hook,
the police will be on there way,
just to try and catch these crooks,

Okay, a decent way to start, but it doesn't seem very coherent. I get the sense that you want to build the storyline, which is obviously the logical thing for the first stanza, but I don't see what this part establishes. Give the Police a reason to be coming by, etc. Explain why, not just state it without even hinting at a reason.

my left shoulders all alone,
like an empty ice cream cone,
waiting for a girl i'm all but here,
dont hit me or ill drip,
dont step on my puddle or youll slip,

Well, it's original, but seems kind of childish to compare yourself to an empty ice cream cone. I actually like the thought of comparing somebody to that a lot, but the other rhymes just detract. Like, slipping in the puddle, etc. It doesn't really relate to a person or a situation, so mentioning it basically becomes useless.

why are all the good girls taken,
the mean people are all faking,
you think they're nice and spotless,
but you havent been in my shoes,

I know what you mean here, so I agree with the message, the only thing I would recommend would be to just make it a little more presentable. Again, it's just your choice of diction that kind of drags it down. All the "mean" people seems to take away any sense of seriousness, and makes it, again, sort of childish.

come by me,
then youll see,
im a heart broken nice guy in a necktie,


Well, okay, the overall song is kind of incoherent. You don't really establish any common theme. Girls are mean, and often aren't who they are? Which is a good point, over-used, but good none the less, however there were several parts that just robbed it of its dignity and seriousness, and demoted the whole thing to a lower stage. It would sound fine to music, but to read it, it seemed a little weak. If you tweaked the words and added some more material to make it seem less detatched, I think it'd be much better.

Thanks for commenting on mine.