#1
Malicious cigarettes and iterated obesities
are fueling inspiration to a fabricated fantasy,
while avoiding a normal deficiency
has become an idealistic obsession
for a common place counterpart.
I?m starting to hope for inconceivable coincidences,
because I?m to bored of myself to push.
It seems that anyone who?s conjured anything,
has become to tired to search for anything more.
Every generation has turned on itself
And seems to forget the ingenious ideas
Of ancestors because it doesn?t involve
Blue tooth technology or isn?t inspired by
A stimulate of testicular testosterone.
With every cycle of a year or decade
We?re more immersed in an inevitable decline.


Mike
Last edited by TrigFunction at May 9, 2006,
#2
I believe it shoudl be has become. just a thoguht though i'm not entirely sure, those grammar things are always tricky. "every generation has reversed it self" sounded weird i don't like the word reversed. it sticks out awfully bad. I don't like how you used certain words that are very very time related i guess is the word i'm looking for. (ie Blue Tooth) but i dunno the begining was much better than the rest in my opinon. The AAA rhyme scheme for the first three lines worked nicely in my opinion.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
haha i meant later when you use have become oine line...6 or something i just guessed

EDIT line 9
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
this crit will be solely me telling you which lines are awkward and which lines are good as i dont have much time to do it. Plus, it will leave you more options with revision, assuming you have an active imagination.

Malicious cigarettes and iterated obesities AWKWARD: too many sylabbles, make obesities singular
are fueling inspiration to a fabricated fantasy, GOOD
while avoiding a normal deficiency AWK
has become an idealistic obsession GOOD... but it could be better
for a common place counterpart. GOOD, but rely less on the lazy generalizations
I?m starting to hope for inconceivable coincidences, AWK
because I?m too bored of myself to push. GOOD
It seems that anyone who?s conjured anything,
have become to tired to search for anything more. Good section here... so good i didnt even use caps lock
Every generation has reversed itself AWK: be more poetic and less scientific
And seems to forget the ingenious ideas GOOD line
Of ancestors because it doesn?t involve dont like the enjambment... AWK
Blue tooth technology or isn?t inspired by AWK, dont like the Blue Tooth reference
A stimulate of testicular testosterone. GOOD LINE
With every cycle of a year or decade
We?re more immersed in an inevitable decline.GOOD BUT FAR TOO GENERALIZED! BE MORE 'poetic' ... I guess that whats you call it... some of it just seems manufactured... Overall, somewhere between GOOD and AWKWARD.

ThIs IZ tEh MoZt ObNoXiOUs CrIt EVA!!!
#7
watch the drugs man, watch the drugs :P thanks for the crits i knew this one needed work and i always love your input. i put the blue tooth tech. just because it seems like one of the most advanced things invented lately and i couldnt think of much else but meh, considerings its been frowned upon, im gonnna edit this piece.
#8
I take back what i said about the first line, its actually really good, but still try playing around with it. Nice basis, but ya, I'm sure you can revise it into something great. And DUDE, i cant lay off the drugs because if i do that I cant trick my brain into thinking i have enough dopamine in my pleasure sensory site in my brain, thereby leaving me depressed and a lifeless bum (science class FTW!)
#9
trig you either know too many words or your rhyming dictionary caught fire during the writing of this. either way, thumbs up
bee yatch
#10
This was pretty good, but I think '#1 synth' said too generalised, and I would agree.
Although the piece is filled with interesting theories, you have expressed them too bluntly to make the reader truly appreciate them. It's always hard to make a decent piece about problems with the world unless you can really put in some great poetic devices. Also, the alliteration throughout didn't have any real effect on me personally, 'cause it seemed too predictable.

Honestly, I thought it was alright, but the theme made it difficult to appreciate.
Anyway, keep it up, and I apologise for almost duplicating '#1 synth's post.