#1
I wrote this real quick and wanted to post, so i did. I will revise this tomarrow probably but any initial reactions would be nice. I know i owe a bunch of you crits and i'll get to them as soon as possible. Leave a link. I hope this doesnt break any rules...

ETIDED!!!! x2

TITS RULE!

Growths
On the little breath of ballerina,
Coarse and full of wrinkled tissue;
While she turns and twinkles,
Rough with the tumbling of the undergarments
Pressed between her legs,
Steaming kisses; projected to the stands;
Always directed at my iambic feet
And my naked limbs,
Lipids melting innocence on the floor,
While She turns, and
With a supple roar,
Is silenced by my mouth.
While I press my finger to a heart,
Neither mine, nor hers, nor ours,
And Dip it in saliva; a salve;
To reach that moment of incognito
In the scrapbook memory;
Where the head of the mother is cut from the frame
Because of imperfections;
That wore off the growths
From the pirouette,
And made her human.
Last edited by #1 synth at May 11, 2006,
#2
HEY! A SONG ABOUT A WH ORE!


that is why you are the writer of the month my friend.

i would go into a long speech about the different metaphors and similes hidden in this piece, and the statements it makes on our society and culture, but i'll let someone else do it.
bee yatch
#4
It does exactly what it says on the tin.

Expect a choral lambasting, within the next few days.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#5
did somebody write a piece about a guy watching his girlfriend and like takign a picture of it with his mind one... and that was semi similar to this. anyways... The word choice for the parts i felt was unecessary. It made it crude and vulgar. but over all it was idunno.. but it sounds lieka 15 year olds fantasay of what will come true one day.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
Quote by furtherfan21
but it sounds lieka 15 year olds fantasay of what will come true one day.


twas essentially my intention to parallel innocence with the unknown, 'specially with the trailing elipces. so really you hit nail on the head. However, how do you know its not a fantasy that has already come true?

though, i definitely agree that the flow and ideas are askew in some places and i will be sure to fix it soon. thank you all for your input.
#7
Because oregon girls are ugly. that's how i know it's not true... unless of course you swing both ways...
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#9
Woah... /me likes at first glance, but Business Class is coming to an end in a minute, so I'll have to sneak on the comp at home. Yeah, I said sneak... I'm a prisoner... oh, and /me no likes the word cock.

Good job fr now, Dylan.

!troy!
#10
"A paint on a brush and my chest as a canvas"

I would just cut out the first "A" and I think that flows better.

"Dipped in saliva; a salve;"

that was cool.

overall a good peice I like this one.
#11
sorry, but i disliked this. it felt very juvenile. furtherfan was pretty much on the mark. you seem like a good writer, but you'd be better if you avoided things like this.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#13
I cant tell you how much it means to me to have such a split opinion on a piece, it really is awesome. However, I'm going to have to side with further and Gurgle on this argument, it is fairly juvinille. I'll make it better, i promise, nice to see the initial opinions though and i encourage you all to look behind the idiocy and innocence of me and look into some more hidden things incorporated here... or that may just be bull****, i havnt decided yet
#14
I'm surprised by you hypocrits. Kunvulsions should have closed this thread as it clearly violates the third rule in the faq

THREAD TITLES
For some reason, you people do not understand this rule. Your subject header must have ONLY the title of your song or work of writing, with the option of including the genre in brackets. No ?PLZ CRIT,? no ?I really need help with this,? no ?this if my first song,? NOTHING. SUBJECT HEADER. TITLE ONLY. If your title is wrong, your thread is closed . It?s quite simple, really.

But then, I guess the rules don't apply to some.

Especially to those with READ THE GODDAMN FAQ in their signatures.
#15
apparently you never thought that maybe *CONTAINS NUDITY* was part of the title. It's completely absurd to think that that was a warning, considering this is a text post. words can't be naked. but i could be wrong.
bee yatch
#16
it's also an understanding that songs that contain vulgarities have a "vulgar" warning.... this also might be a part of the title

Amen
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#17
It was solely part of the title... no more, no less as it directly corresponds with the setting and is in fact the ONLY clue given in the piece about the direct setting. And what the hell is this? Who can hate on Synth the most day? first Ret and now you BFG, Jesus Christ!

... However, now that io think about it, I do include extraneous symbols in my title. Well Troy, its your choice...
#18
no more extraneous than parentheses would be
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#19
Y'know what, I dont care if anyone likes this new one or not (after I edited it), the truth is, this is the first piece of mine that i really like that i've written in a long time and I'm rather proud of that. Though, i feel the second half could be more solid. Any crits welcome. Please people, leave links, i really wanna do some critting, i rather feel bad that i've got so many and havnt been able to give as many out in return (thats right, Ret's rant got to me a little bit).
#20
jpburns88

everytime i see your name i think it's HendrixEdge because your display pic looks almost identical (when i'm scrolling down really quickly)

ANyway, Well done synth, this is bloody amazing, nice wordplay... i'm posting a new one, and i know this is a short crit, but could you please crit mine? thanks...
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#23
I really liked this piece.
Actually, i really really liked it.
the ending was very good and the whole thing was very well written.
well done......