#1
infact, here's the whole thing.

so far.

i dunno, it feels pretty finished to me. i was planning on making it something bigger, but i guess this sounds pretty finished. i might add another part later or something.

it's not what i expected to write. but it's what came out.


disembodied fragments outline where we sat down,
amidst the desert snow and winter sky sun.
feelings of passion and supplies that are rationed,
searching this entire time for a place to call home.

and as I wait the sun sets;
I sink into lethargic prose,
and I write:


but even as he spent those weeks pleading his innocence to heir crimes, he was still recognised for what he had done. His mother cried at night. She ironed his Sunday suit and sat by him in the courtroom. We?ll all sip coca-cola from a brown paper bag, sitting drunk outside. And we all try to hide. His face held lies. So does mine. He gave up his life for his family?s peace. But I watched his house burn down while they screamed such insolent threats to those they considered only less than human. He cried for us at night. Now he is dreaming he cannot prove that which he has done. These marks are another shame to history; this grave another misfilled sector of infected soil.

I?ve been lying on the grass beside his bed since the day it started to rain. And if you look so closely you?ll see I?m not really there at all.

so as he waits the rain keeps on falling;
it won?t stop.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#2
Hmm. First, the word "sector" just sounded dumb. Not the right place for such a military word. Strange, the little things we notice.

Second, I don't feel there's enough of a connection between the first and the second parts. It seems like they're talking about different things. Maybe it's the way you've presented it, as two separate parts, but I just don't feel like they're two parts of one thing. I feel like they're just two pieces placed next to eachother.

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#3
Time for a stream of conciousness crit: I absolutely LOVE the title, like I'm completely serious. Petey is right, the different sections are way too different to be caled one piece. I suggest splitting the prose into two portions and splitting them with the poetry, maybe even incorporate it into the scene, like carved on a tree or something. I love the paper bag line. I love the three sentences following the drunk paper bag line. Make the theme of rain more prominent. excellent ideas, but the execution is a bit off and it seems like the prose is rather a free right and doesnt correspond well with the rest of it. Sunsets are beautiful and so is the night. Rain keeps falling, I've used that term to express ideas a cornicopia of times and it never gets cliche (it will soon though). Excellent job overall, just work on transistion and overall consitency.

Hope all is well with you Alice.
#4
Hi Alice

First of all, if I may say something in general about your work. It's not that I claim to know all about it, and I have not been around a lot lately, but in a lot of the pieces I've read from you there seem to be some kind of escape, you tell yourself you can do a complete song/poem and you run away to prose. I don't know if it's done on purpose or not, but while reading the prose I found some solid internal rhyming and structured lines that made me think, "why the hell did she use this structure?".
I'll try to explain in the full crit:

disembodied fragments outline where we sat down,
amidst the desert snow and winter sky sun.
feelings of passion and supplies that are rationed,
searching this entire time for a place to call home.

I found the second line a bit cliche to my taste, and I didn't like the comparing between the two parts, since one is common and the other quite a fiction. I thought it was limping a little. Third line is so lovely. I loved it so much I wanted you to go more on that subject, but like you said, sometimes it looks as if it needs more, but then it doesn't. Last line was clumsy and not written to the standards of the rest. Too many words to describe something that simple.

and as I wait the sun sets;
I sink into lethargic prose,
and I write:

I actually quite like this. Very nice, unique way of structure. Written well.

but even as he spent those weeks pleading his innocence to heir crimes, he was still recognised for what he had done. His mother cried at night. She ironed his Sunday suit and sat by him in the courtroom.
You were trying to portray a scene but somehow I lost the flow and meaning. This seems to me like a scene you just cut the sentences and jumbled them a little to make it seem like deep-meaning prose, when in the part before it you did so well with simplicity. It felt awkward to me.
We?ll all sip coca-cola from a brown paper bag, sitting drunk outside. And we all try to hide. His face held lies. So does mine. He gave up his life for his family?s peace. But I watched his house burn down while they screamed such insolent threats to those they considered only less than human. He cried for us at night. Now he is dreaming he cannot prove that which he has done. These marks are another shame to history; this grave another misfilled sector of infected soil.
Now, here I really liked the wording, although if you take it to poetry you will need to adjust it a little. This really frustrated me, because I saw this could turn into a full blown poem, but you just kept the narrative going and the strcture hurt the beautiful wording, flow and rhyming you have here.

I?ve been lying on the grass beside his bed since the day it started to rain. And if you look so closely you?ll see I?m not really there at all.
This part is very well put. I thought that this is the only place that actually needed to be structured like prose. It says something in general, and it breaks from the text. Very good.

so as he waits the rain keeps on falling;
it won?t stop.

I do feel like you wanted to add something here, tried and didn't like it. I feels a bit missing, especially the ending line which needs to be more related. "And it won't stop" or something to make it more of a complete statement.

I know I've had a lot to say about this piece, but it's only because I enjoyed reading it so much. The feeling behind it and some of the great wording you have here just made it so good to read.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#5
thanks very much guys

i totally know what you mean about the parts not fitting. they really don't at all. i didn't mean to write this second part, but as i said, it's what came out. i had a much different first draft of it but then i hated it so i scrapped it and started over. i'll probably write something else and slip it in the middle of these. i hate things being out of order but i guess it's necessary sometimes.

carmel: i'm in london probably ~ june 10th
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#6
Similar to what the others mentioned, I feel the switch from your excellent poetic beginning into the prose seemed to disrupt the piece. I think I would've preferred if you would even have just structured the writing into stanzas, just to create some form.
However it's no big deal, and despite the lack of structure, it's still easy to appreciate your second part, which is filled with your trademark, colourful narratives.
I know you like to emphasise on punctuation, so I'll mention that I though there should be a semi colon instead of a full stop in the midst of the penultimate stanza.
You say you feel it's completed, and I would have to agree with you, due to the very solid finish.
Anyway, nice work.
#7
The prose bit is really nice, but I really think you should wait to write part-two.

See if you can't do something better, more connected. I know you're capable.

That being said, I really did enjoy the prose(and the intro) but I feel like they don't join together. So I'll save full judgement on this "story"? if you will, and wait for a re-write/another section
#8
Really great piece.

I absolutely loved the paper bag line and this part:

and as I wait the sun sets;
I sink into lethargic prose,
and I write

i like how it was structured, it kept me reading. (And re-reading )