#1
Long time, no post. No preface this time. Just crits. No silliness. Please.

ACIDIC KISS (Original)

Chorus
Torture is fine as long as I like you/
Here I am coming to find you/
Eat away my faked pain

Verse I
Always coming to your conclusions
Leaving me the bitter remnants
Prod me with sticks [cause I'm an animal: //]

Chorus

Verse II
Outside my cage I am fine
Where you go I do not know but/
Evil people wait below, wait below

Chorus

Verse III
Rotting me down to the bone/
Full of fury you make me want you/
Under fire by your acidic kiss

Edit 1

Chorus
Torture is fine as long as I like you/
Here I am coming to find you/
Drawn in by your acidic kiss

Verse I
Always coming to your conclusions
Leaving me the bitter remnants
Prod me with sticks [cause I'm an animal: //]

Chorus

Vocal Bridge
Put me in my place :||
Put me in my cage

Chorus

Verse III
Take me away :||
Just to take that kiss away
Last edited by SuperAnalytical at May 13, 2006,
#2
wow...maybe it was jsut me but I got confused. are you trying to talk about a bitter-sweet thing? I think what you are trying to say is like love-hate thing. I could be very off so feel free to clarify.
#3
I hate the "faked pain" line it was bad. mainly thge use of Faked pain.

I think verse 2 i weak and could weither be completely re done or removed.

same with Verse three i didn't really get any sense of closure from verse three and it seems to be quite bad in my opinion. I think the chorus is decent and the first verse is alright, after that you need to re-do it. it's jsut meh.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
For all of those who suggested edits, they have been completed. I'm liking the edited a little more.

Thanks for the crits, and I would be more than happy to crit your work with a provided link.