#1
A hammer jacks on dead cement
And carries sounds of grave lament;
Of courses seen - but then unseen again -
The road that bends, leads back to them.

The both majestic and poetic throne,
As a pedestal once built to praise
The lion gods of Sierra Leone,
Is yours again;
For I have cast my voice in one last rhyme
And the reflected choice of the dance floor
Has been subdued
By fallen men of world war four.

But just this time ?
I have trumped all of them fools:
This dawning day will live to see
The land in which minority rules
And on that pedestal I?ll rest,
For every day the sun will bless,
And bathe in light that brings such bright
To the hard cold heart of my success.
This is not a pipe
#3
In my opinion:

Structurally; I found the rhythm to be at once, both satisfying and disconcerting; satisfying as in that, it is immensely consistent, disconcerting as in that, the sparse internal rhymes appeared to be an afterthought.

More importantly however:

The little phrase that references a fourth world war, regardless of possible metaphorical, and or, literal connotations; seems too emotionally trite amidst the fairly descriptive intonation, that by all means, effectively reflects the injustice and ongoing turmoil, that has recently occurred in Sierra Leone; although, all of the above is equally relevant to other less publicised conflicts.

If anything, I believe the final stanza to be, by far, the weakest of the piece; as in that the level of comparative naivety exhibited throughout, despite contrasting dearly with the aforementioned human suffering; doesn?t carry the same emotional and political resonance as the previous two stanzas; lacking a tangible yet believable resolution, so to speak.

In summary, I believe that this was an extremely solid work, effortlessly conveying your chosen sentiment. However, it is not without some minor discrepancies, that luckily enough, have little to no effect, on the collective quality of the piece.

Good luck Carmel, and as always, keep yourself well.
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Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 11, 2006,
#4
Quote by pigglesworth
I'm embarrassed on your behalf.


...why...???

Its great!!!!! Great f*****g song man, niiiiice one.
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I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
woww I've never noticed before but your eye changes colour (the avatar I mean haha)

A hammer jacks on dead cement
And carries sounds of grave lament;
Of courses seen - but then unseen again -
The road that bends, leads back to them.

IMO in the last line I'd replace that comma with "and", the way it is sounds kinda awkward to me. Good opening though. That's all I ahve to crit about it lol. I really like the rhyming of the first 2 lines, first off cos it's an unusual choice of words to use, but they sound really... fitting. They jsut come so naturally. It sounds great

The both majestic and poetic throne,
As a pedestal once built to praise
The lion gods of Sierra Leone,
Is yours again;
For I have cast my voice in one last rhyme
And the reflected choice of the dance floor
Has been subdued
By fallen men of world war four.

Hmm personally I thought "lion gods" was a bit weird. Reminds me of Narnia, which although is not a bad thing, it just kinda sounds weird. I love the oxymoronic image you create here though. For example, after the first few lines it seems very archaic and conventional maybe, kind of somethnig that's centuries old. Then you go ahead with "dance floor", a clear reflection of the modern day world. I think this works really well here. Also the mention of "world war four" is very interesting. Interesting because: a) four not three, is this perhaps paying homage to the ongoing current events in Iraq/the US?; b) again it points to the modern world, supporting that "dance floor"; c) it adds a very sombre closing note to this stanza, and the "by fallen men" creates only feelings of sadness and grief.

I really like this stanza Carmel

But just this time ?
I have trumped all of them fools:
This dawning day will live to see
The land in which minority rules
And on that pedestal I?ll rest,
For every day the sun will bless,
And bathe in light that brings such bright
To the hard cold heart of my success.

2nd line, "all of them fools" is wayyy too colloquial, I'd really really change it to "all of those". The slang-ness of it sounds really out of place IMO.

That is all though, this ending is both very hard and very clear. And thirdly very amazing. I really like your expression of power and force you have used her, creating a wonderful tone.

This is a great piece IMO, although it's probably not my favourite of yours. Very well done, I love reading your stuff, this might sound a bit gay but it's always really fulfilling haha
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#6
I guess should explain some of this piece. It talks about causes and the things we do for them.
The first stanza is about the immediate cause, if it's something that was ruined (you can use the analogy in a few ways, as if it was your home, your idol or even more metaphoric - your life) and the roads that begin at that point, which you can choose between (one of them will be a war path, obviously).

The second stanza talks about the road that leads back to the past, as in history repeats itself, and although I used Sierra Leone, I did not limit it at all to the troubles of that country. The play of words was more important (Sierra Leone - Lion Mountains) to say everything you name will become significant one day, something like - what you call yourself will affect who you'll become.
The second part of this stanza talks about the words that cast a meaning on our life (rhyme) and the endless dance which it is. The reference to WW4 is as if to show we gave them the names. World Wars. They have had great effect, but it might have been less significant in history if we have named them something else. There is much to a name, and so the number doesn't matter, because we are the one who named it. World War Twenty Four.

Last stanza is a symbol of taking control and being consumed by it (as many leaders is their day have done), and I think it is pretty much self-explanatory.
I think I agree with you Alice, about "them-those", so thank you for that.

Anyway, hopefully this will shed some light on the meaning.


Thanks for all your comments, Will, Franz and Alice - I will PM you my phone number and we can arrange something when you're in London.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#7
To be honest; there was no real need for further clarification, let minds wander, let them stall.

Nevertheless, with the blessing of hindsight, a more general remark in relation to humanity?s love of ghettoisation, segregation through classification, would have worked a treat within the context of this piece.

Cheers once again.
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