#1
Hello again!

Here is my latest, and probably my most symbolically (and thematically) complex piece posted here as of yet. It is part of my continuing installement centered around the theme of rebirth. Oh, and to get you guys started, look not into the the second part of the title for the meaning of the piece, it is merely suggesting a reading that strengthens my main point.

The Bell (Or Mourning of a Friend who was Thought Lost at Sea)

How do you find the courage
To dim the lights on the world?
And did you not see it coming:
A ligature yields no return.
Cruciform symbol, ruthless;
Unbound mortality within,
Just like your placid figure:
A speck of blood upon your chin.
Surrounded by decaying
Thoughts at loss of shape and flesh,
How did you find the courage
To welcome back the Rose and Thorn.

Reflections, still water.
Intentions, winds raging.
Results in reality: no bother.
Reasonings, twisted ropes.
Your senses, sails in flight.
The vessel?s lost with all but hope.

How do you keep a straight face
With twisted flora all around?
And did you ever notice:
You feel most lonesome in a crowd.
Celestial body, tragic;
Blatantly self-evident.
Radiance in your features:
Pale and long; benevolent.
Engulfed in empty feelings;
Susceptible irreverence.
Drawn in my outside powers
You hear It toll and are reborn.
Last edited by pooch0072 at May 11, 2006,
#2
Hey, nice song! Intersting topic. I think it was really good, but the ryhming scheme was abit...all over the place me thinks.
I liked "How do you keep a straight face
With twisted flora all around?
And did you ever notice:
You feel most lonesome in a crowd."


Great man, nice one.
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#3
How do you find the courage
To dim the lights on the world?
And did you not see it coming:
A ligature yields no return.
Cruciform symbol, ruthless;
Unbound mortality within,
Just like your placid figure:
A speck of blood upon your chin.
Surrounded by decaying
Thoughts at loss of shape and flesh,
How did you find the courage
To welcome back the Rose and Thorn.


Execution:

Subtly complex, deceivingly simplistic phrasing.

Conceptual Aspects:

Martyrdom; spurious references to the apparent resurrection of Christ himself; such religiosity need not be bound by Christianity. The pseudo humanist connotations played against the cruciform figure; ?unbound mortality? gently coaxes the mind into a state of mournful abandon, leaving all possible interpretations, at once both disparate, yet intrinsically linked through humanity itself. The phrase; ?the Rose and Thorn? brilliantly implies the dualistic nature of the piece; universal morality, the disease; subjectivity; the illusion.


Reflections, still water.
Intentions, winds raging.
Results in reality: no bother.
Reasonings, twisted ropes.
Your senses, sails in flight.
The vessel?s lost with all but hope.


Execution:

Less imagistic, suitably morose whilst alluding to redemption, well implemented rhythm, excellent assonance.

Conceptual Aspects:

?Redemption? as a choice, the introduction of apathy, personal intonation attempting uniform universalism. Simply stated, a true transition.


How do you keep a straight face
With twisted flora all around?
And did you ever notice:
You feel most lonesome in a crowd.
Celestial body, tragic;
Blatantly self-evident.
Radiance in your features:
Pale and long; benevolent.
Engulfed in empty feelings;
Susceptible irrelevance.
Drawn in my outside powers
You hear It toll and are reborn.

Execution:

Scathing imagery, deceivingly satirical.

Conceptual Aspects:

A reconfiguration of the major themes inherent throughout the opening stanza; beauty and disfigurement juxtaposed and held aloft; to be mocked, to be loved, to be sold. The gullibility of knowingness; ?susceptible irreverence?; once again dualistic; ignorance and deception. The ?twisted flora?; a Judaeo-Christian allusion; torn between tradition and the commercialisation of faith.

In summary, a brazenly contemporary yet ambiguous amalgamation of various inspirations, some of which are more obvious than others. Nevertheless, I may return, as this is quite possibly the greatest piece you?ve ever wrote, at least to my knowledge.


If anything, it?s a class above the majority.

Easily the most positive ?critique? that I?ve wrote in an age.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 11, 2006,
#4
Greetings friend. I think I liked this one more than your last one - as you said, it seems a little more involved.
At first I agreed with the guy above about the rhymin', but I believe its inconsistency helps bring out the tone of (something like) confusion or discomfort that I'm sensing from this piece. That may have been your intention, of course.
I also liked the change of structure in the middle paragraph, and also the troubling imagery you utilised within it. I'm just not sure about the vessel line though - a little cliched perhaps?

Otherwise pretty decent. Keep it up.
#5
First off, to Franz: The fragmented and precarious rhyme scheme is an integral part of the piece. As CJW pointed out, it creates confusion in the piece. Furthermore it also outlines a few lines that may "seem" out of place but that are in fact key. This piece is very dense, so I've attempted to "hierarchise" it, to make the most important lines more visible in this phonemic "jungle". The rhyming is just one of the ways I do that.

To Will: Though totally irrelevant, what I was aiming for was not directly a comment about the Church, but rather using it metaphorically to represent something, that is in fact another something (you job now is to demystify those two unknowns ). Two questions to guide you: firstly, on whose subject is the persona soliloquizing? Also, what is the "It" mentioned at the end, and how does it tie up with the rest of the piece?

I've been working on this piece for over a week, so I'm happy it's being delved into with such depth, thanks to everyone!
#6
I will most definitely return to this at some point; maybe even addressing the matter in a private message, perhaps?

Nevertheless; throughout my interpretation, I made no attempt to involve the ?physical church? at all. Instead, I preferred to produce liberalistic conjecture of my own, in order to ascertain your undoubtedly weighty intentions.

However, I am intrigued, and any piece of literature that requires my good self to partake within an inquisition of sorts, is to my mind at least, not only refreshing, though inherently enjoyable as well.

In short; the work paid off.

Although, I might add, that I believe there may be a few, rather disappointing conclusions, to be discerned amidst the ambiguity.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 11, 2006,
#7
oh right, ok! Kwl. I suppose ur right, it creates the sort of confusion effect.
Like it man. xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
To Will: The whole part about Christ in there was actually purely unintentional (except for the cruciform symbol line). That of sourse does not mean that it's not there, because I now see that it is, which just goes to show how big a part the subconscious can take in one's writing. Oh and may I ask what those disappointing conclusions may be ?
#9
Luckily enough, seeing as you?ve chose to refer to those particular phrases, as of the subconscious, you have thoroughly negated any disappointment on my behalf.

Although, I am quite exhausted after lethargically battling ignorance, something I would most definitely advise against.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#10
Very complex, I can tell you spent a lot of time on this and it pays off. It's cool in that it would probably take a few listens to understand. THe drawback with that, of course, is that some people might consider it a bit random or hard to follow conceptually. My favorite lines:

How do you keep a straight face
With twisted flora all around?
And did you ever notice:
You feel most lonesome in a crowd.

So I guess Franz and I agree on that. Well done, I have much to learn from you.
<my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart>
#12
yeah bosty22, i deffo agree, those lines were fantastic!!!!
Brilliant song, one again il say.
Can you crit the song in the link in my sig please?
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#15
Now that i think about it that song makes about as much sence as a Pink floyd or Gorillaz song... its not that great