#1
this is more of a prosey/freewrite piece. i really like this piece, not cause its anything special, just cause its something I really needed to write. this is the first thing I've wrote (written? idk) in like a month and a half maybe more idk.
i kinda stopped writing but felt like writing today so I did.


We are the machine.


I've got a mechanic on my roof, to make sure everythings patched up and nothing falls through. I've got a man in my ceiling to make sure nothings broken and everything has a place. I've got a room full of house warming gifts that were found in traffic, now they litter my attic with some washed up actors who never had it. Also an apple tree in my bedroom, and a closet full of spoiled fruit.
But I never complain about much, except my wife, my kids, my job, my car, and my water and energy bills. I'm spoiled rotten and I prefer it that way. I take as much as I give, and sometimes more. I make everyone call me "Doctor" Smith (I didn't go to 8 years of college for nothing). I use racial slurs, but only when there's no one of any other race around. I typically don't wash my hands after using the bathroom, yes that includes work. I steal batteries from gas stations, not cause I can't afford them, just because I can. I cut down trees for firewood and don't replace them. My car only gets 8 miles to the gallon, but I can afford it so why not? I don't have any strong views on the war, the ozone, pollution, abortion, government or gas prices.
after all.
We are the machine. (and I like it that way.)
#2


I've got a mechanic on my roof, to make sure everythings patched up and nothing falls through. I've got a man in my ceiling to make sure nothings broken and everything has a place. I've got a room full of house warming gifts that were found in traffic, now they litter my attic with some washed up actors who never had it. Also an apple tree in my bedroom, and a closet full of spoiled fruit.

I'd maybe put "on my ceiling" instead of "in my ceiling" cos that sounds kinda like he's trapped in the bit above the ceiling and below the floor of the next floor up. And also in the last line I'd change it so it doesn't jsut start with "also an apple tree", I dunno, it just sounds awkward like that IMO. I'd put like "There's also" or "I also have" or something. Just my opinion though. Your style's really good.

But I never complain about much, except my wife, my kids, my job, my car, and my water and energy bills. I'm spoiled rotten and I prefer it that way. I take as much as I give, and sometimes more. I make everyone call me "Doctor" Smith (I didn't go to 8 years of college for nothing). I use racial slurs, but only when there's no one of any other race around.

I really like this bit, indefinitely. I love the insecurity this represents and the tone all about it sounds great. Nothing to crit ehre.

I typically don't wash my hands after using the bathroom, yes that includes work. I steal batteries from gas stations, not cause I can't afford them, just because I can. I cut down trees for firewood and don't replace them. My car only gets 8 miles to the gallon, but I can afford it so why not? I don't have any strong views on the war, the ozone, pollution, abortion, government or gas prices.
after all.
We are the machine. (and I like it that way.)

I'm not so keen on "I typically don't wash..." personally. The "typically" sounds kinda strained. I think "routinely" would work so mcuh better: "I routinely don't wash my hands...". Also then I'd put "that includes at work" instead of simply "that includes work". Then at the end I'd personally put "price of gas" rather than "gas prices".

I love this ending though. I love this whole piece. I've always liked your style. This piece is really good, and it's good to see you around again
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#3
love it love it love it, i do i do i do, its fantastic it is, yes, it is.
good song yeah yeah yeah! WE LOVE FALLOUTBOY
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Use it.
#4
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this is more of a prosey/freewrite piece. i really like this piece, not cause its anything special, just cause its something I really needed to write. this is the first thing I've wrote (written? idk) in like a month and a half maybe more idk.
i kinda stopped writing but felt like writing today so I did.


We are the machine.


I've got a mechanic on my roof, to make sure everythings patched up and nothing falls through. I've got a man in my ceiling to make sure nothings broken and everything has a place. I've got a room full of house warming gifts that were found in traffic, now they litter my attic with some washed up actors who never had it. Also an apple tree in my bedroom, and a closet full of spoiled fruit.

I love the rhyme with attic/had it. It adds SO MUCH flow and personality to your piece. I love this beginning, it's got good flow. The ending though, I think you should start that sentence a little differently, it sounds a little awkward

But I never complain about much, except my wife, my kids, my job, my car, and my water and energy bills. I'm spoiled rotten and I prefer it that way. I take as much as I give, and sometimes more. I make everyone call me "Doctor" Smith (I didn't go to 8 years of college for nothing). I use racial slurs, but only when there's no one of any other race around. I typically don't wash my hands after using the bathroom, yes that includes work. I steal batteries from gas stations, not cause I can't afford them, just because I can. I cut down trees for firewood and don't replace them. My car only gets 8 miles to the gallon, but I can afford it so why not? I don't have any strong views on the war, the ozone, pollution, abortion, government or gas prices.
after all.

make that first "and" maybe something like "plus" so that you don't have those two "ands". That's a personal nitpick, but I absoultely detest it. Once again, the give/Smith rhyme is perfect. Perhaps make the perenthetical bit a little better flow-wise. I don't like the word "typically" it seems... I dunno, it just bugs me. This bit is really really good too though

We are the machine. (and I like it that way.)

Good ending


Really enjoyed this. I should start writing prose more, it's usually my best.