#1
I woke up from a really horrible nightmare... one of those that make you cry afterwards...

***

I'm watching her die and a tear breaks...
as eyes wink in and out of existence,
crawling breaths slowly grow thinner,
yet the air gains a thousand pounds and crushes lungs.
In the silence a stammering heart hammers...
hammers... hammers... hammers on...
a second passes and a tear shatters...
the air weighs a thousand pounds...
And I'm still watching her die...

***

leave a link.
#2
Crap, I completely forgot that I owe you a crit. I'm sorry . I'll get your next one too, since this one's short.

It starts off pretty good. It's nothing too original, but it's solid. The flow picks up in the middle, but breaks at the "...hammers..." line. That little visual pause can work wonders if executed properly, and you didn't do it bad, but you need more of build-up, so the silence is more profound. The end is a nice wrap-up.

This is a good little piece, but I'm pretty sure you wrote it quick. It's solid as it is, but it's got some nice ideas that are just begging to be expanded upon.
-Landon
#3
Quote by kunvulshuns
I woke up from a really horrible nightmare... one of those that make you cry afterwards...

I have two guesses what it was... but I'll let you be.

***

I'm watching her die and a tear breaks...
as eyes wink in and out of existence, perhaps put an adjective in fron of "eyes" it seems kind of... barren without it.
crawling breaths slowly grow thinner, Crawling breaths? That's a weird discription, not that's it's bad.
yet the air gains a thousand pounds and crushes lungs.
In the silence a stammering heart hammers...
hammers... hammers... hammers on...I love the repitition here, and the um... what are they called? Elipses maybe? With the ... anyway ... it's great.
a second passes and a tear shatters...
the air weighs a thousand pounds...
And I'm still watching her die...I don't like the repitition here, it seems like you ran out of ideas.

***

leave a link.


I enjoyed this despite what it seems, and if it's about what I assume, I'm sorry, because that must have been pretty terrible to be writing like this...
#5
didn't lie kstammering heart hammers the double mm's we annoying in my opinion. This is powerful, and obviously emotional. and i cannot imagine how scary that must have been. should it be true. I liked this piece and if you were to put it to music, i dunno if you do that or not. I would imagine a slow kind of soft floaty acoustic piece... i guess cause that's the music i love. maybe not acoustic but mellow none the less. keep it up man.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
Dude, i think that this has potentioal, but (there is always one of those) it seems like you wrote it pretty quick and no offense, but i would mull over it and try to revise it. If this is about a loved one or something, I send my heart to you. I'd ask you to check out my song "Ashlyn", but I am new here and don't know how to leave a link.
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#7
Thanks Vic, James, Noah, further. It was pretty on the spot, but I'm glad that you guys took the time to read. Definitely can expand, but I'm not sure if I want to... it's just one of those things... one of those things... one of those things...

Crits will definitely be returned tomorrow or Sat.

!troy!
#8
If you don?t feel the need to expand upon this piece, either conceptually or structurally, then don?t.

My advice would entail partaking in a continuation of the themes and visual techniques employed within this piece; throughout your future work. In my humble opinion, any form of revision applied directly to this piece, would usurp the element of spontaneity that made it attractive in the first place.

A link to my latest, a piece that can only be loved and despised in equal amounts:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=357898
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 12, 2006,
#9
This one is very well written, but appears almost totally narrative. However, as far as it goes, you've used some devices excellently to keep the readers interest ('shatter', 'stammer' and 'hammer' all seem to echo each other effectively). It just seemed to lack any real meaning that makes a piece really worthwhile.

Altogether, you say it was on the spot, and it's still enjoyable. Well played.