#1
Identity


Filthy masses strive for existence
Years of oppression leave them bleeding
Dying in silent agony

The struggle of Man,
A boot in the face
A whip to the back
Punishment without reason

All causes to live are lost over the years
To exist is to suffer, a truth well learned
All fruits of success are rotten and full of maggots

The struggle of Man
A boot in the face
A whip to the back
Freedom will never be Free

You struggle in vain, boundd by chains
Deprived of humanity, life is sold in the market
There is noone to hear your dying cries

<I>- if you didn't figure it out, this song is about slavery and the will to survive in the face of oppression. </I>
#2
Methinks some puncuation would help out with organization of lines, because without it I tend to read the lines into one another... you know? Definitely nothing new to my eyes really, but it's not baaad. I think that if the piece is about the will to survive, then it should be about surviving not dying and utter hopelessness. It needs that boost of stubborn perseverence somewhere.

!troy!
#3
i like it..its a little dark, but i'll try to full crit it here:

Filthy masses strive for existence
Years of oppression leave them bleeding
Dying in silent agony

I like the first line..great openner..the second line is just as good, but the last line, to me, just isn't as strong as the first two...its still good, but not like the first two.

The struggle of Man,
A boot in the face
A whip to the back
Punishment without reason

I really like this...both parts like this are very strong and original...especially 'a boot in the face, a whip to the back'

All causes to live are lost over the years
To exist is to suffer, a truth well learned
All fruits of success are rotten and full of maggots

This is my favorite part of the song..its completely original and well thought out..it is very descriptive and just overall intense..props!

The struggle of Man
A boot in the face
A whip to the back
Freedom will never be Free

Again, very strong...last line is a little cliche, but that's okay..it flows well and sounds cool.

You struggle in vain, boundd by chains
Deprived of humanity, life is sold in the market
There is noone to hear your dying cries

I don't like the first two lines of this...I understand how they relate, and would say they are very original..but they seem too dark for me (it may just be i'm not that dark)...but I really love the last line...it is an awesome way to finish the song...

Overall, not bad..pretty dang good. Kinda dark, but very original....

Peace, Love, and Stadium Arcadium

-The One They Call Matt
"Peace, Love, and Stadium Arcadium"