#1
So, free write. in this box. No copy and paste. No proof-read, no editing. You get the point. Random crap.

But when the sky burned blue...
I am unable to contest.
This differentiation of symbolism is left grafted through the wind.

Without solid ground to land, the pad slipped off the ridge.
Postage by air from ACME, tells of the back-order supply
So the delayed freefall into dust is postponed in spite of another late to arrive.
The paratrooper package bursts and flings itself from the mutilated hive.
Cardboard stitches trim the fur, paws padded for the dry

And only when the rocket lit the dusk-inhibited shine
The sky burned blue to signify a peeling in the rind.
As the pace was set, a gunshot roared over the mesas and the mailbox,
The tumble weed, the cargo jet, and the parting words at Appomattox.

When grey stumbled valiantly into a gentle hue.
Lightning scarred the opposing blue.
Dust clouds reinvent the wheel.
"Find cheap new ways to borrow!"
Or steal.
#2
Okay dude I think you are trying way to hard to be deep or somthing, because I can't tell what the **** it meens....please explain
#3
This is an interesting one... Reading it as a whole, it seemed to have quite a slow start but when it catches on then there is an amazing flow to it.

But when the sky burned blue...
I am unable to contest.
This differentiation of symbolism is left grafted through the wind.

The difference between the tenses is a bit odd in the first two lines, and the structure doesn't really serve this part, the long line at the end seems too clumsy. I do like the idea behind it though.

Without solid ground to land, the pad slipped off the ridge.
Postage by air from ACME, tells of the back-order supply
So the delayed freefall into dust is postponed in spite of another late to arrive.
The paratrooper package bursts and flings itself from the mutilated hive.
Cardboard stitches trim the fur, paws padded for the dry

It does seem more like a free-write here, but then the cut-off of the lines into structure - again, I don't think it serves the text very well, but I love the last three lines and I think that the two last ones are so cleverly put. Great stuff.

And only when the rocket lit the dusk-inhibited shine
The sky burned blue to signify a peeling in the rind.
As the pace was set, a gunshot roared over the mesas and the mailbox,
The tumble weed, the cargo jet, and the parting words at Appomattox.

I loved this part, but I thought the rhyme was too much in the bit. It probably should have been "mailboxes", but then I'm not the great contender of art Vs. meaning, and I believe that the way you bent it, even if for the rhyme, was so awkward that it just went beyond it and suits perfectly. I loved everything about it.

When grey stumbled valiantly into a gentle hue.
Lightning scarred the opposing blue.
Dust clouds reinvent the wheel.
"Find cheap new ways to borrow!"
Or steal.

I am a sucker for colours and everything to do with them, so I can't call this cliche, even if if some of it is so obvious. It just works so well. And it made me smile. By the end of the verse I wasn't even thinking about structure or flow, I was just enjoying it.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#4
Seeing, as this is a ?free write?, and due to the fact, that you don?t seem too concerned with asinine revision; there is really no point in harking on about misplaced rhythm and inconsistent tense, in regards to this piece.

The spontaneity was a joy to behold, although, the actual tone and style in which this was wrote, has no distinguishing features whatsoever, as in that, there are a number of writers on this forum, who often choose to express themselves in a fairly similar fashion.

However, leave it as is, forget about it, write something else, rinse, repeat, rinse and repeat, ad nauseam. Concentrate on the future, respect the expression of others, regardless of your own ?personal? opinion, yet never ever take heed of the army of sycophants, who will no doubt come knocking.

Nevertheless, I believe that your own reckoning may correlate somewhat with the previous paragraph. If I?ve been a pretentious bastard, let me know.

Cheers and good luck.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 12, 2006,