#1
Long time no song. I've been "busy" (sitting on my arse all day) at the new house, and I've written a couple of songs. I may have to post another one tomorrow, depending on where the computer is going. Anyhoo, here is a surreal sort of piece, beginning acoustic, building up to electric for the solo, and returning to acoustic afterwards.

There is an old woman
Living in the forest
By herself

No one to accompany her
In her peaceful life
She?s all by herself
In a world of strife

Sitting in a rotten chair
Tomorrow comes too soon
Humming quietly to herself
Under a malicious Orion moon

Hello you angel of darkness
Embrace yourself in the clouds
And carry on towards the stars

Floating on the wind
Yesterday went by too soon
Silently wishing we were young
Praying to the Orion moon

Carry on and touch your zenith
Why do you wear a white zucchetto?
You are more than a holy virtue

Wishing for something new
She faces into the wind
Promises are few and far between
In the Land of the Midnight Sun

(Solo)

Up in the dark sky
You can hear the songbirds sing
Clouds floating to a better place
Enshrouding the Orion moon

Blues music floating through the air
Travelling on a cloud of fog
Winding its way down the valley
The people step outside
Listening intently

Apollo?s riding towards the horizon
Putting us in the dark
Come out to play and all join hands
Under the bright Orion moon

Let us hear you sing
And rise up to the sky
Come on people rise
Fly to the Great Divide
#2
whats the point of posting lyrics in here man

unless you are a die hard poet, no1 can really get into the lyrics

words are ussually nothing without music

i am also a songwriter as well, and so im telling you this from one songwriter to another

but i mean the lyrics are good i guess, they are decent. No real hook on them, nothing made me want to keep going and reading the rest

still alot better from alot of the people that post **** here.
#3
Quote by Dæmönika
Long time no song. I've been "busy" (sitting on my arse all day) at the new house, and I've written a couple of songs. I may have to post another one tomorrow, depending on where the computer is going. Anyhoo, here is a surreal sort of piece, beginning acoustic, building up to electric for the solo, and returning to acoustic afterwards.

There is an old woman
Living in the forest
By herself

Ok, bit bland language but sets the scene nicely

No one to accompany her
In her peaceful life
She?s all by herself
In a world of strife

Nice, but the stife/life rhyme is a tad cliched... then again I can't think of owt better.

Sitting in a rotten chair
Tomorrow comes too soon
Humming quietly to herself
Under a malicious Orion moon

This stanza is great

Hello you angel of darkness
Embrace yourself in the clouds
And carry on towards the stars

Again nice, but 'carry on' sounds a bit bland compared to the rest of the language in this stanza - maybe try 'go forth' or something like that?

Floating on the wind
Yesterday went by too soon
Silently wishing we were young
Praying to the Orion moon

Another great stanza, the second line is really good.

Carry on and touch your zenith
Why do you wear a white zucchetto?
You are more than a holy virtue

No idea what a zucchetto is, so not much to say here unfortunately.

Wishing for something new
She faces into the wind
Promises are few and far between
In the Land of the Midnight Sun

What happened to the rhyme scheme? For the second line I feel 'she turns to face the wind' would fit better.

(Solo)

Up in the dark sky
You can hear the songbirds sing
Clouds floating to a better place
Enshrouding the Orion moon

Nice, but good maybe use a more interesting adjective than dark

Blues music floating through the air
Travelling on a cloud of fog
Winding its way down the valley
The people step outside
Listening intently

Not sure what this has to do with the rest. Flows well though and a good image

Apollo?s riding towards the horizon
Putting us in the dark
Come out to play and all join hands
Under the bright Orion moon

again, rhyme scheme? but again lovely imagery, I'm really liking the mysteriousness of this piece

Let us hear you sing
And rise up to the sky
Come on people rise
Fly to the Great Divide


Rounds of the piece well



Good work!
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#4
^^ The point is I just want some people critiquing my songs. A lot of people can get inot lyrics, they just have different interpretations of what they see. Words are far from nothing without music. You can still convey feelings and the like without music playing in the background.

^ A zuchetto is a skullcap worn by cardinals, priests etc. White ones are worn by the Pope only. I get bored of rhymes schemes pretty quickly because it limits what I can put into the song. I'll have another look through your recommendations and ad them where appropriate. It's nice to know you liked the mysteriousness of this piece. Thanks.
#5
Quote by Dæmönika
[color="RoyalBlue

^ A zuchetto is a skullcap worn by cardinals, priests etc. White ones are worn by the Pope only. I get bored of rhymes schemes pretty quickly because it limits what I can put into the song. I'll have another look through your recommendations and ad them where appropriate. It's nice to know you liked the mysteriousness of this piece. Thanks.[/COLOR"]


ok, makes more sense now!
anyway i liked the fact that you used good language without going too far and sounding like an ego-testical.
I wasn't saying you should stick to the rhyme scheme rigidly, but if you can think of a good line that rhymes too - it sounds better in my opinion. Don't compromise quality just for the sake of rhyme though.

oh, and if you wouldn't mind - could you leave a quick comment on my piece, links in my sig.

Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#6
Quote by losingprada
whats the point of posting lyrics in here man

unless you are a die hard poet, no1 can really get into the lyrics

words are ussually nothing without music

i am also a songwriter as well, and so im telling you this from one songwriter to another

but i mean the lyrics are good i guess, they are decent. No real hook on them, nothing made me want to keep going and reading the rest

still alot better from alot of the people that post **** here.


You sir, are an idiot. Make that a now BANNED idiot.

!troy!
#7
^ That's a bit harsh Troy!

Anyhoo, bravo. I epecially adored the bit about the white skull cap, just brilliant, except when you don't know what it is. Sorry ma man, really gotta go, i'll get back to this.
#10
Promises are few and far between

i didn't care for this line, just because. my only other complaint would be the 'blues music' part because it felt out of place.

other than that i liked it. the repetition of 'Orion moon' worked well. good job
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#11
I would be curious to know how you came up with the idea of "Orion Moon" because it fits in so perfectly and seemingly, effortlessly. Also i really like the story-like nature to it, that plays a huge part to its success.

All in all, brilliant work, there are some very small parts that i would tweak but that's al writer's preferance. Good stuff.

EDIT: If you don't mind laddie https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359001