#1
1st January

I killed a man last night.
Five foot eight, with bright blue eyes,
The first blow made his smile dissapear,
a sharp tap to the heart,
as my lips breathed in his ear,
the last words he would know,
Pushed through his head like smooth, mellow jazz,
Perfect sense and no prediction,
Perfect timing and exact precision,
Meaning to him nothing new,
But now the words had twice the depth,
So dark you couldn't look through.

"You have failed, now you will change,
From living to dead, and then back again.
Till a new name fills these viens and skin, till
Where once your presence filled, only I'll remain"

"She had found the line between dreams and life,
found the weakest mark and taken a knife,
The string broke and here I am released
from the void, in the absense of a point.
My licorish blood and my sugar covered skin,
My gum drop eyes and my oil thick grin,
I smiled my smile and you frowned a frown,
I took my place and you moved out.
And so I replace your name and your hope,
with the statement, Your change will come,
Silent and swift, and when it is done,
the words people will remember are not worth breath.
I am your life, at least, what is left."
Last edited by 7th at May 17, 2006,
#3
Would do dear but I'm into Alternative folk and indie, otherwise I'd follow that up . Cheers.
#4
This looks good - rhymings a bit all over the place though, that could've been intended of course though.

Perhaps this is quite a personal piece? Yes or no, it certainly has elements of good writing. Your theme is very dark, and I think the language and imagery you've used is good enough to make it seem acceptable, simply 'cause pieces like this can go very wrong.

I'm not sure, but I think you've put speech marks at the beginning of the second stanza by accident, or maybe the ones further down. Whatever, it's got me confused there.

Otherwise this appears to be a decent effort. Nice one.
#5
I was iffy about those speech marks too, well, it's sposed to be the "possesion" character talking but I tried reading it through without and I didn't like it. I think the second speech mark might get taken out then. Thank you.
#7
These lyrics are epic. Epic in the sense that they build a world, one that feels starngely real. Good use of imagery and simplicity to created not only a song, but a tale as well.
#8
Good job. These lyrics seam very meaningful

can u crit mine?? "Life is too short"
~gtrfrk


founder of the dunlop pick fan club


RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"