#1
Something I wrote the other night. It just seemed to come out, haven't had that feeling for a while....Anyways i'm back to my atypical style of writing, hope you enjoy!

As always I Crit 4 Crit

?Ashes of Archaic Admiration ?

Lay here your head for the nexus of our slumber
A portrayal of forever
A foreboding of the intrinsic
For we will adjoin anew in the bounds of the infinite

The cool air expels the intricacy of the December rain
The transgressions of your mind
The predilection of your decisions
Now this immortal hold will stand ancillary to the amity

Leading you with my apathetic cantor
Instigating the margins to your emotive misery
Losing the memories of our ephemeral time
Hoping for the glowing retribution of affinity

The everlasting septic scars left upon me from such effluent desires
Never will it alleviate
Forever I will immunize
For this flame will smolder enduringly waiting to ignite remission

You fade into the luster of your fallen ancestrally caustic binds
I could only perceive
I could not embark
Now just an abandoned instrument in this licentious stratagem

Dividing the deception of your astringent burns
Impeding the convalesce of our past ties
Finding a future of transparent radiance
Dejecting the ashes of archaic admiration
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
Last edited by EpitaphMan440 at May 18, 2006,
#2
There are certainly alot of big and fancy words. It would certainly take someone along time to decipher it. I'm sorry, I can't understand a word of it (mainly because I'm feeling a little under the weather). I like the flow of the title. I can imagine it working in a rap or a RHCP song (I'm listening to Stadium Arcadium at the moment). I would like it to become an old-school Metallica style song, though. I like the concept of lots of big words.

I'm sorry I couldn't be any better with my crit, but my head is swimming full of ****.

I don't know if I deserve a crit, but if you never ask.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358895
#4
Thank you very much for passing by my humble thread. To be completely earnest with you, I do understand that there is some instances of advanced vocabulary in this piece, but it should not deter from the writing in it's entirety. I sometimes must assauge the allure of applying such a device as so.


But thank you again, I have also held to my end of this literary bargain and gone over your writings.
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#5
"Ashes of Archaic Admiration ?

Lay here your head for the nexus of our slumber
A portrayal of forever
A foreboding of the intrinsic
For we will adjoin anew in the bounds of the infinite

The cool air expels the intricacy of the December rain
The transgressions of your mind
The predilection of your decisions
Now this immortal hold will stand ancillary to the amity

**I love the "intricacy of the December rain" part. Very strong imagery for me.**

Leading you with my apathetic cantor
Instigating the margins to your emotive misery
Losing the memories of our ephemeral time
Hoping for the glowing retribution of affinity

The everlasting septic cicatricles left upon me from the effluence
Never will it alleviate
Forever I will immunize
For this flame will smolder enduringly waiting to ignite remission

You fade into the luster of your fallen ancestrally caustic binds
I could only perceive
I could not embark
Now just an abandoned instrument in this licentious stratagem

**In my opinion, removing the word "caustic" would make this stanze flow better, but it would also somewhat take away from the descriptiveness of it. In the end, it's all what you like.**

Dividing the deception of your astringent burns
Impeding the convalesce of our past ties
Finding a future of transparent radiance
Dejecting the ashes of archaic admiration

**Very Powerful end.**


WOW. Extremely impressive. Although the other critiquers may have a somewhat valid point about the sophisticated language used, it doesn't seem as though any of those words were just pulled out of a thesaurus and used to sound overly intellectual. That has to be what impresses me most about this piece. Great work.

Thanks for the critique by the way!
#6
this is my 666th post... weird

anyways, i thought this was written quite well. i don't think anyone should have to tone down their language just to make it acceptable to the masses.

i loved the language used, and the alliteration and all that good stuff...
the rhythm was different but i thought it worked perfectly, especially in the first stranza with the slumber/forever rhyme.

all in all i loved it. not much else to add
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#7
The phrase ?advanced vocabulary?; is a grand misnomer. Words are but words, words are but tools; derived from the deliberately phonetic primordial soup, that not only birthed petty diction, though the ostentatious entirety of human language as well.

Despite this truth, the phrasing throughout this piece leaves a lot to be desired. For example; juxtapositions such as, (regardless of conjunctive language) ?the nexus of our slumber?; appear rhythmically awkward; within the context in which they are employed.

Other than that though, I?d advise you to consider the implementation of not only whole words, though their syllabic and phonemic structures, in relation to the rhythm and sentiment of a piece.

Good luck, and keep yourself well.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#8
Thank you for the read. I do not believe this is as convoluted as one would think as first glace. There is meaning, and substance in the diction, and I am exalted by your kind words and praise.

HendrixEdge:
I always enjoy your overviews of my writing, and I truely take your opinions with great attention. Although it may seem awkward at times, it was a desired effect, initiating a subsequent read of the passage to understand, and thus to impact the reader with the true essence of the piece.

I spread a bouquet of thanks to all who have read and reviewed.
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#9
The employment of deliberate awkwardness as a literary device has become somewhat clichéd of late. Nevertheless, the pot shall always call the kettle white, regardless of disparate intentions.

The benefit of the doubt.

Cheers.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 13, 2006,
#10
There is no doubt that this is very well written, but I would consider it better if this were left as a poem, as I seem to have difficulty putting this to any sort of music that I personally listen to. It would be interesting to know what rhythm was going through your mind when you wrote this. You certainly do not have to dumb it down for anyone, but if you do wish this to reach out and touch the masses you would most certainly have to. Big words are not nessesary to convey meaning.
oh and thanks for the crit, I'm sorry I could not be of more help but Your writing style is very different from mine and my criticism would just be ill-founded.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#11
Quote by EpitaphMan440
Something I wrote the other night. It just seemed to come out, haven't had that feeling for a while....Anyways i'm back to my atypical style of writing, hope you enjoy!

As always I Crit 4 Crit

?Ashes of Archaic Admiration ?

Lay here your head for the nexus of our slumber
A portrayal of forever
A foreboding of the intrinsic
For we will adjoin anew in the bounds of the infinite

The cool air expels the intricacy of the December rain
The transgressions of your mind
The predilection of your decisions
Now this immortal hold will stand ancillary to the amity

Leading you with my apathetic cantor
Instigating the margins to your emotive misery
Losing the memories of our ephemeral time
Hoping for the glowing retribution of affinity

The everlasting septic cicatricles left upon me from the effluence
Never will it alleviate
Forever I will immunize
For this flame will smolder enduringly waiting to ignite remission

You fade into the luster of your fallen ancestrally caustic binds
I could only perceive
I could not embark
Now just an abandoned instrument in this licentious stratagem

Dividing the deception of your astringent burns
Impeding the convalesce of our past ties
Finding a future of transparent radiance
Dejecting the ashes of archaic admiration


Nice vocabulary. Also, very deep. It seems that you put extreme amounts of effort and thought into this piece. Excellent
#12
Knife2aGunFight :
The this is more based, as you have stated, as a poem moreso than that of a lyric. Thank you for stopping by.

myampgoesto11 :
Thank you, this is a very personal piece. That is wherein it is such a satisfying encounter with this 'community' for myself to recieve such acclaim.
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#13
Quite alot of big words, I didn't understand a few to be honest. It seems to me to be quite a personal poem mixed with effort and thoughts. Well thought out alliterations and who cares what the other few say, don't dumb it down at all! Ok well for the first stanza has some real promising imagery but the flow of it seems sort of to me, if you catch my drift. I have the same thing to say about the second stanza as well. The next stanza seems quite written as well and has some great potential to be the end of this song, if you would want to change it. I keep getting the rhythm messed up especially in this next verse, its good but the flow is akward. The next part is alright, not amazing, yet not catastrophicly terrible. And as a few have said, the endinh is very powerful and moving. Its the heart and soul of you mixed into four lines. I love it. Overall seems quite well put together and I'll give you a 9/10. Thansk for critting my song as well.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#14
There are parts that I totally Identify with, like the imagry about the december rain a guy mentioned, but haha, with the vocab its difficult to understan some.

you don't have to 'dumb' it dow at all, just too many large, descriptive words can make it seem almost overwhelming. If this was an effect you were going for then ignore me

(note: I'm not sure if you go searching for peoples songs to critique if they help you but to save time, I don't have any on here... heehee )

-kaylee
Always a Revolution
#15
I like the vocabulary used. The words kind of fit in with the way you wrote this piece. However, the long, uncommon words are used a little too often, almost to a fault. The first verse is the best, in my opinion. On the second verse, I like the first line, but it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the verse. Or maybe I'm too lazy to connect its meaning to anything?
The rest of the piece gets continually more confusing to the reader. I get what you were saying, but I had to read it twice to understand. I'd give this piece a 7/10 because the language and vocabulary was superb, but I took points off because of the same reason. There were too many "difficult" words. If you find some simpler synonyms i think it would be easier for more people to understand. Can't wait to see further works from you! Later!
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#16
Thank you kind sir, I do in fact realize the fact that the diction used can lead to confusion, but alas, that is the nature of this piece. There are some personal factors entwined within that some may not comprehend. The second verse itself requires a time to understand, but the substance is there.

I would like to thank everyone who has posted here, for you have enlightened me to some foibles in my works. I have made a subtle edit to make this piece less viscid in flow.
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#18
*sigh*
wish i could read such a piece of writin fluently, without havin to stop every few words to go back and read it again... seriously, there were just a bunch of words that i really didn't understand at all, but many others r so unusual that i couldn't keep up with the meanin u're tryin to convey - and by the comments above, i'd say i'm not the only one (which is a shame, to tell the truth). other than that, there r some amazin lines in this piece.
"For we will adjoin anew in the bounds of the infinite"
and
"Losing the memories of our ephemeral time
Hoping for the glowing retribution of affinity"

i especially liked. overall, i think it's quite a good piece, but its difficulty makes it sort of out of bounds to many of us, if u know what i mean. again, that's a shame... but keep it up.
ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#19
Thank you for the reviews my freinds. I have made some slight changes, and I am hoping they will be more fitting to the piece as a whole.

Due to work, I have been unable to write as I will.

I have been recording some new material though, hopefully in the neer future I will be able to finish anouther song.
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
Last edited by EpitaphMan440 at May 18, 2006,