#1
Hey, This is my first song ever, so please give me some constructive critiscism, and I DO realize the name is very cliche, so if you have a better title, please post it here! Thanks!

Also, do songs really "need" to have a refrain, or no?

Here it is.


"Without You"

I sit here at 10 PM
Thinking about you again
I can't decide
Whether I should realize
What's really going on
And I've known you for so long
So why is it
That you don't notice me
I just wish that you could see
The pain I'm going through
And guess what?
It's all because of you

You can see
What's on my mind
So just stop acting blind
You know I'm angry
You know I'm upset
And I won't go into the rest
I think that you can figure out
What my life is all about
What's constantly in my head
What causes me sorrow and dread
And if you still don't know
Then maybe I should go
Because I am just wasting my time
You still think that I'm sublime

Now I realize
That you just
You just don't know
The way that you should go
But here's a clue
I so want you
But I also know that you just don't want me
What is it that I don't have
That your obsession does?

I may be wrong in loving you
You may be sorry that I do
I can't live without you
Like an addiction
No, this ain't fiction
I just know that
I won't
And I can't
And I'll never
Live without you

You make me feel
Like I am trapped
Between you and the world
Now I have got my life all mapped
And figured out
It's just a dead end without you
I'll never do the things that I could do
If I just don't have you

Don't leave me stuck here
Since it is
Oh so clear
That I can't live without you
Now tell me this
Have you given up on me yet?
Cause I know I won't give up on you
Or i won't live
Cause I just can't live
Without you
Without you
Without you


-OA

Copyright Ocean Avenue User, 2006
#2
This song is very simple and clique but it is obviously very heartfelt.


it would be much better if you didnt try so hard to make everything rhyme.
but for a first song this is quite good. well done.
#3
Thanks! Do you think it works okay without a refrain, or do I need one for it to a normal song?
#4
"Without You" **You said it. Title is very cliche. lol. I'd suggest "Because of You" as a title, but that's cliche too. It's pretty hard to get away from cliches anyway.**

I sit here at 10 PM
Thinking about you again
I can't decide
Whether I should realize
What's really going on
And I've known you for so long
So why is it
That you don't notice me
I just wish that you could see
The pain I'm going through
And guess what?
It's all because of you

**First verse, pretty good start. Rhyming does start to sound a little bit forced, but I like how it kind of puts the reader/listener in your position. Also, I like the fact that I can easily find a melody to sing it to in my head. **

You can see
What's on my mind
So just stop acting blind
You know I'm angry
You know I'm upset
And I won't go into the rest
I think that you can figure out
What my life is all about
What's constantly in my head
What causes me sorrow and dread
And if you still don't know
Then maybe I should go
Because I am just wasting my time
You still think that I'm sublime


**Rhyming is still sounding a bit forced. You don't have to rhyme everything in order for the lyrics to flow.**

Now I realize
That you just
You just don't know
The way that you should go
But here's a clue
I so want you
But I also know that you just don't want me
What is it that I don't have
That your obsession does?

**Absolutely love the last line, "What is it I don't have that your obsession does?". Think it'd be less repetitive to cut out the first 'that' though. Also, this could easily make a decent refrain, in my opinion of course.**

I may be wrong in loving you
You may be sorry that I do
I can't live without you
Like an addiction
No, this ain't fiction
I just know that
I won't
And I can't
And I'll never
Live without you

**Lyrics seem to be getting simpler, but you are still following the subject line you started with, so it still works pretty well.**

You make me feel
Like I am trapped
Between you and the world
Now I have got my life all mapped
And figured out
It's just a dead end without you
I'll never do the things that I could do
If I just don't have you

**Rhyming.**

Don't leave me stuck here
Since it is
Oh so clear
That I can't live without you
Now tell me this
Have you given up on me yet?
Cause I know I won't give up on you
Or i won't live
Cause I just can't live
Without you
Without you
Without you

**Fairly good ending. Impressive for your first song. I think the biggest thing you may want to work on is the rhyming. A lot of it sounds forced and, as I said before, it isn't always necessary to rhyme. Overall, i give it a 7.**

Feel free to critique mine if you have the time https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358930
#5
I really like this song, i wrote a song quite similar to this, but wasn't as good. I can really relate to it, and i think a lot of other people can too. I really like the last part, because when you repeat without you, it really seems to fit the song. good job
~gtrfrk


founder of the dunlop pick fan club


RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"
#6
As some previous critiquers have implied, the rhyme scheme seems quite the forceful type, I suggest you try and bring it back to the "flows well without overdone rhyming" level, If you know what I mean. Ok as for the actual song I hate the title. Absolutely hate it, its just amazingly cliched and pointless. Change it immediately. Well for the first verse here it was working well with a nice flow and the reader can relate to one of your tragic mishaps. The next verse, oddly enough, sounds more like a poem than a song, every line rhymes for god's sake!!! The next verse seems repetitive for some reason though but its alright for now I guess. The next verse has a bout THE simpelest lyrics in the world. This is the weakest part of the song. The next verse however isn't all bad, I like how you refer to a map, but it still seems overly forced. The ending is quite well otu together but can do without the repetition of the last three lines. Overall I'm suprised this is your first song, its actually quite good if this is honestly your first song. I did the same thing on my first one too, lol. I'll give you a 7/10. If you have time to crit mine it would also be appreciated, the title is in my signature, thanks.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#7
Thanks guys. I'll be sure to implement some changes on this soon. One more question: Should the lines have the same amount of syllables in each, or do you think I would be able to fit the odd numbers of syllables into music?

Thanks

-OA
#10
Alrighty here I go:


"Without You"

I sit here at 10 PM
Thinking about you again
I can't decide
Whether I should realize
What's really going on
And I've known you for so long
So why is it
That you don't notice me
I just wish that you could see
The pain I'm going through
And guess what?
It's all because of you

Pretty simplistic stanza. You are relying on a forced rhyming structure, but that is acceptable. When you are just beginning to write lyrics or poem that always seems to be the best way to start, but it does convey it's message quite concisely.

You can see
What's on my mind
So just stop acting blind
You know I'm angry
You know I'm upset
And I won't go into the rest
I think that you can figure out
What my life is all about
What's constantly in my head
What causes me sorrow and dread
And if you still don't know
Then maybe I should go
Because I am just wasting my time
You still think that I'm sublime

OK, not too bad, but the only problem I have is with the usage of the word 'sublime'. It does not enforce your point. Your song is stating that you are disbonded from this person, and they do not realize who you really are, yet you end the stanza stating that they believe you are better then them, placed on a higher level. It just feels abit abnormal to me. Try an alternate word to rhyme here, for instance 'Lie' could me used, it does rhyme due to the first syllable. You would have to change this line though.

Now I realize
That you just
You just don't know
The way that you should go
But here's a clue
I so want you
But I also know that you just don't want me
What is it that I don't have
That your obsession does?

This is alright too, but 'I so want you' maybe change it to ' I only want you'. Just an suggestion

I may be wrong in loving you
You may be sorry that I do
I can't live without you
Like an addiction
No, this ain't fiction
I just know that
I won't
And I can't
And I'll never
Live without you

This seems too obessive. Almost sounds like your leading towards a path to euthanize. I don't know but it is human emotions, and I'm not one to intervene.

You make me feel
Like I am trapped
Between you and the world
Now I have got my life all mapped
And figured out
It's just a dead end without you
I'll never do the things that I could do
If I just don't have you

Well, at the very least you are changing up the foundational structure of your rhyming scheme. Nothing more to say really, it sounds good.

Don't leave me stuck here
Since it is
Oh so clear
That I can't live without you
Now tell me this
Have you given up on me yet?
Cause I know I won't give up on you
Or i won't live
Cause I just can't live
Without you
Without you
Without you

Heres again your problem of situational and perspective in writing is convoluting your main point. As I have stated before, try towards a bipartisan solution here. Either stick to one side or the other. Basically it is the one line that throws off the flow of this piece "Have you given up on me yet?". Personally I would do an alteration on that particular line.


Whens all said and done my friend, you have a solid piece, but you just might want to diversify and revise. Keep up the good work.
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#11
Thanks, yeah I have to revise it a bit, I'll probably start making a list of what to change soon. Thanks for your critiques everyone, it's really helping. and thanks for being so supportive .

-OA