#1
Something I wrote about a week ago. I'm quite proud of it. Hope you enjoy the song and tell me what you think.

I'm on top of the world
Looking down at all the people below me
I'm not getting off my cloud
Just like so many others before me
But to say that I'm arrogant
Means that you haven't bothered to get to know me
Take the time and give me a chance
And you'll find I'm not as bad as I seem

I'm the boy with the curls
Thinking if I'm all that I see
But I won't tell you what I found
Yet I feel like no-one really knows me
You're right in saying I'm a surrogate
For all the people who are in my situation
So take the time, give me a chance
And I promise I will not be seen

I seek the answer for something unseen
I seek the answer for something unseen

I could be doing something better
But it wouldn't be so much fun
I could be doing something better
But it wouldn't be so much fun

I'm on top of the world
Looking down at all the people below me
I'm not getting off my cloud
Just like so many others before me
But to say that I'm arrogant
Means that you haven't bothered to get to know me
Take the time and give me a chance
And you'll find I'm not as bad as I seem
You'll find I'm not as bad as I seem
You'll find I'm not as bad as I seem
You'll find I'm not as bad as I seem
#2
Sorry I took so long to for this. Have been busy. Anways here I go:

I'm on top of the world
Looking down at all the people below me
I'm not getting off my cloud
Just like so many others before me
But to say that I'm arrogant
Means that you haven't bothered to get to know me
Take the time and give me a chance
And you'll find I'm not as bad as I seem

Very good. I do not know what else to say, as my suggestions could not implore any more sincerity then is already placed upon this stanze. Great work my friend

I'm the boy with the curls
Thinking if I'm all that I see
But I won't tell you what I found
Yet I feel like no-one really knows me
You're right in saying I'm a surrogate
For all the people who are in my situation
So take the time, give me a chance
And I promise I will not be seen

Again, great stanza, BUT it cannont be all bread an butter. I have a problem with the first line and the first line only. I realize your are trying to convey imagery, but I feel that line is overall detrimental to this otherwise wonderful stanza. Just my view.

I seek the answer for something unseen
I seek the answer for something unseen

I could be doing something better
But it wouldn't be so much fun
I could be doing something better
But it wouldn't be so much fun

Fitting passage

I'm on top of the world
Looking down at all the people below me
I'm not getting off my cloud
Just like so many others before me
But to say that I'm arrogant
Means that you haven't bothered to get to know me
Take the time and give me a chance
And you'll find I'm not as bad as I seem
You'll find I'm not as bad as I seem
You'll find I'm not as bad as I seem
You'll find I'm not as bad as I seem

Great way to end the song, because I very much enjoyed the first verse.


Good work, keep it up, keep writing, and I will keep handing out (constructive) criticism and my personal analysis's.
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#3
I agree with everything the above has said, and I would do another detailed crit but the above pretty much read my mind, but I do have some notes:


I'm the boy with the curls
Thinking if I'm all that I see
But I won't tell you what I found
Yet I feel like no-one really knows me
You're right in saying I'm a surrogate
For all the people who are in my situation
So take the time, give me a chance
And I promise I will not be seen


The first line was pretty dull, and so was 4th through 6th line. It seemed boring and I kinda skimmed it.

But overall the song was good!
"1456"... if you're reading this, you know what the code means, and i mean every word of it.... 1456!!!