#1
Brand new to the forum. Been browsing around a bit and figured I'd post this. Let me know what you think and feel more than free to leave links for me to critique. Thanks much.

Picture Perfect Evening


How can I write the perfect love song for someone so perfect as you?
How can I sing the perfect melody or play the perfect tune?
You?re the only answer, the one and only song,
The proof of my existence, the reason I can?t sleep alone.

So I?m gonna find, I?m gonna find every way to make you smile.

The sun?s gone down around here, but your face lights up the streets,
Your voice resounds and my heart pounds to hold you close to me.
I try to close my eyes, but I just can?t look away
You?re holding me captive in your deep entrancing gaze.

And I?m gonna find, I?m gonna find every way to make you smile.

There?s a place I found last summer that would bring you to my mind,
A perfect glimpse of beauty, only short you by my side.
What I wouldn?t give to spend an hour alone with you,
What I wouldn?t pay to make your wildest dreams come true.

Well I?m gonna find, I?m gonna find every way to make you smile.

Words escape this moment, a single breath frozen in time,
A picture perfect evening with a glass of your favorite wine,
So bottle me up, drink it in, hold me close against your skin,
Drift asleep in my arms again
Let the morning sun rise to greet your eyes.

I'm gonna find, I'm gonna find,
I'm gonna find, I'm gonna find every way to make you smile.



My opinion, the lyrics are pretty ok, but when I play it and sing it, it sounds freaking amazing. I guess if you all want, i can put a recording online for you all. Just let me know. Thanks again.
Last edited by lookleft at May 13, 2006,
#2
Be great to hear a recording please.
I was there, I tossed the bag on the porch and let out my insane warcry of justice. It was pretty awesome.
#3
i agree with norrish^^, it would be cool to hear this.
only thing i didn't like very much was that "the" at the beginnin of the last stanza. i think i'd change it for smth else, but that might just be me. anyways, it doesn't ruin the whole piece or anythin, so it's up to u.
nice stuff, lookleft, keep it up.
ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#4
yeah id love to hear a recording, I love how lyrics just...work so much better when heard..but anyways i love the song
excellent.

Critting Back,
lmy15
#5
Nice Job! Sounds like a relatively happy song, and it would be very interesting to hear a recording. Nice creativity. Keep up the good work.


Critting back,
OA
#6
spanishsmn - good call on that 'the'. I actually removed it completely when I sang the song, I just never edited the lyrics.

Also, I'll try and record this today and get it online today or tomorrow. Would it be better on myspace on purevolume? i know some people have trouble with one or the other.
#7
As of normality I would undergo a full and synoptic disection of the piece in it's entirety, but this song is just wonderful. I feel I cannont criticize nor conject any advantageous ideas of my own towards this.

You have a firm handle on your artistry. I realize this is not much of an overview of your song, but would you, if your time permits, take a glaze at my latest?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358739

Thank you.
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#8
Mushy love song. There's nothing wrong with that though. It's like something James Blunt would sing.
#9
I'm sorry. I tend to be nonplussed with love songs, since they are very personal and I wouldn't dare try to criticize your emotion. I will get to your next piece, but will crit this if you really want me to.

Thanks for your thoughts on "An Evening in Nagasaki."

hope you understand where I'm coming from,
!troy!