#1
A crummy poem I wrote, I like to have some creative critism, please leave some as I will return it. Thanks

Damaged Child

We all know what its like,
Having one half over the cliff and one half on firm ground,
Our tormentors leaving the decision of whether we live or die to fate,
As what is inside can be released, what effects us on the outside can effect the inside,
Swirling around us like a black cloud, filled with a rain, desperatly needing to be released,
Smiling politily, keeping our rage inside is not good for health,
It just makes the damage we wreck when we break worse than predicted,
We all have a past, no point in lying about it,
We are all damaged children, theres no denying that.
#1 Member of the "I've-been-in-a-mosh-pit-and-lived" club pm outside.ice to join.

Emo Defender#8!!!pm emokidsdelirium to join

Since were all in the pit, why don't we mosh?
#3
hi there, outside.ice, just went through your poem. pretty nice idea, but imo this piece needs some rewordin. did u mean affect instead of effect on line 4? i like line 7 the most, it flows really well inside my head. dunno, overall it's ok but as i said, i'd do some rewordin.
keep it up, mate
ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#4
thanks guys, yeah i does need some rewording its just a start. Thanks for the help
#1 Member of the "I've-been-in-a-mosh-pit-and-lived" club pm outside.ice to join.

Emo Defender#8!!!pm emokidsdelirium to join

Since were all in the pit, why don't we mosh?