#1
A bullet directly through the heart of your elegance
In the city of angels and the numerous
Tragedies of the soul and wasteland burning
We?ll take all in the process of learning
So we shall take this knife
Run it directly across this city that we love
And we?ll bleed it dry
With thoughts and prayers of white doves

And its nothing
As your city dies for you
And what you could be
But it something
The way you follow through

Black the eyes slash the wrists now
Los Angeles will burn it self out
With its false pretence and elocution
Black eyes black hearts and blood pollution

Oh it?s nothing
As we all die for you
And all you could see
And its nothing
The way you

Black the eyes
And slash the wrists
Taste of life
As you turn and twist
Break down the atoms
And fill in and yearn
We?re all the city to night
As we will learn

And what if it something breathing in the night as we pull back the blankets from the sun the battle we had won and ponder is the world only what we devise despise and realize as a null and void space waiting for the precise moment to strike and destroy us all or should we simply believe that the atoms in which we live are stable enough to conserve life on a life less world of black and cold and dark with out a spark without a light without a hero without a chain to hold us to what we believe or conceive as real and why fiction can betray conventions we choose to ignore?.

Kill the city you love with love lost prayers
Beat at the heart and lungs and destroy the air
Blessed art thou who shall perish true
Blessed as thou are bleeding
Bleeding through

And its nothing
As your city dies for you
And what you could be
But it something
The way you follow through

crit. and the whole big spurt of words is like a weird spoken screamed bit.
I R tr00 Member of UG's Gain \/\/hores - don't pm gpderek09 to join unless you are truly worthy
www.purevolume.com/mordecaiaus
Quote by xifr
There is the possibility that I may have or may or may not have gone or not gone into the danger zone.


Quote by lespaulmarshall
I love you Joel
#2
A bullet directly through the heart of your elegance
In the city of angels and the numerous
Tragedies of the soul and wasteland burning
We?ll take all in the process of learning
So we shall take this knife
Run it directly across this city that we love
And we?ll bleed it dry
With thoughts and prayers of white doves

I don't know about you, but I don't like the word "dove", but hey that's just me. The first few lines grabbed my attention especially the "Tragedies of the soul and wasteland burning
We?ll take all in the process of learning" part. Good choice of words, and it flowed well and had a good rhyme.


And its nothing
As your city dies for you
And what you could be
But it something
The way you follow through

I don't know what to think of this... but I liked it. I don't know what to say but it was good, made me feel like this person just doesn't care about anything... and someone is trying so hard but he/she just doesn't care...

Black the eyes slash the wrists now
Los Angeles will burn it self out
With its false pretence and elocution
Black eyes black hearts and blood pollution

The last line could be fixed, I liked the "blood pollution" part but the rest of the line seemed like nothing. But the rest of it was good.

Black the eyes
And slash the wrists
Taste of life
As you turn and twist
Break down the atoms
And fill in and yearn
We?re all the city to night
As we will learn

Good.

And what if it something breathing in the night as we pull back the blankets from the sun the battle we had won and ponder is the world only what we devise despise and realize as a null and void space waiting for the precise moment to strike and destroy us all or should we simply believe that the atoms in which we live are stable enough to conserve life on a life less world of black and cold and dark with out a spark without a light without a hero without a chain to hold us to what we believe or conceive as real and why fiction can betray conventions we choose to ignore?

Haha this made me laugh... not in a bad way, it was cool 'cause it had a good message I just don't know what it is... But I thought this was the deepest part of the song and I think you should sort it out in the same format that the rest of the song is showed in, because it would be easier to read, and its not going to change the fact that you're screaming. But I liked this, its my favorite part.

Kill the city you love with love lost prayers
Beat at the heart and lungs and destroy the air
Blessed art thou who shall perish true
Blessed as thou are bleeding
Bleeding through

Nice, very nice. Creative, and this flowed very, very well.


Very good! I enjoyed this song.
"1456"... if you're reading this, you know what the code means, and i mean every word of it.... 1456!!!
#3
So we shall take this knife
Run it directly across this city that we love


liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike it, the bit above speshallly. =)
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#4
A bullet directly through the heart of your elegance
In the city of angels and the numerous
Tragedies of the soul and wasteland burning
We?ll take all in the process of learning
So we shall take this knife
Run it directly across this city that we love
And we?ll bleed it dry
With thoughts and prayers of white doves


The flow seems a little forced. Mysterious lyrics shroud the meaning, i suppose that's a plus. The last line about the doves is well done in my opinion.


And its nothing
As your city dies for you
And what you could be
But it something
The way you follow through


Much better flow here.


Black the eyes slash the wrists now
Los Angeles will burn it self out
With its false pretence and elocution
Black eyes black hearts and blood pollution


Once again I like the last line. You switch from simply calling it "The City" to lost Angeles. I'll see how that works out if you should have kept speaking in metaphors.


Oh it?s nothing
As we all die for you
And all you could see
And its nothing
The way you


Good flow again.


Black the eyes
And slash the wrists
Taste of life
As you turn and twist
Break down the atoms
And fill in and yearn
We?re all the city to night
As we will learn


Great sanza, Amazing flow and well thought lyrics.


And what if it something breathing in the night as we pull back the blankets from the sun the battle we had won and ponder is the world only what we devise despise and realize as a null and void space waiting for the precise moment to strike and destroy us all or should we simply believe that the atoms in which we live are stable enough to conserve life on a life less world of black and cold and dark with out a spark without a light without a hero without a chain to hold us to what we believe or conceive as real and why fiction can betray conventions we choose to ignore?.


Sorry, I'll consider this a personal interlude into the song and leave it uncritted. Howver, depending on how this is sung it probably messes up the flow. But then again it might not.


Kill the city you love with love lost prayers
Beat at the heart and lungs and destroy the air
Blessed art thou who shall perish true
Blessed as thou are bleeding
Bleeding through


At first i didn't think the flow was going well until the last line. That really tied it together great.


And its nothing
As your city dies for you
And what you could be
But it something
The way you follow through


I think the stanza where you actually name the city as Los Angeles should be changed to something more vague. All in all the song had some good spots, but some parts may need rewording to make it more seemless. Especially the first stanza.

Good job.
-B----a-----l-----y
----r-----d----e---

-I'm From the Bahamas-
#5
in case anyone was wondering this is like a fall of troy/alexisonfire type song.
I R tr00 Member of UG's Gain \/\/hores - don't pm gpderek09 to join unless you are truly worthy
www.purevolume.com/mordecaiaus
Quote by xifr
There is the possibility that I may have or may or may not have gone or not gone into the danger zone.


Quote by lespaulmarshall
I love you Joel