#4
Wipe my feet on the welcome
Someone looks with overseeing eyes
No wonder I?m alone
Chimes of yesterday echo through the boards
Will they know me?
Do they care?
But it?s all


Good first stanza, with nice enjambment going into stanza two.

Lost beneath the carpet
As you let me in your home
Strangers all and over
Left me clutching to the phone
My memory?s not what it used to be
I tried to look past the change


Pretty much perfect. I can't see what can be changed.

I feel I?m slipping underneath
Pictures tell your escapades
Is that even you?
Ticking from the eastern land
Will they know me?
Will they care?
But it?s all


Didn't really get the "eastern land" reference. "Escapades" fits in well.

Lost beneath the carpet
As you let me in your home
Strangers all and over
Left me clutching to the phone
My memory?s not what it used to be
I tried to look past the change


Choking dying
Floating flying
Smile from cheek to cheek
Can?t break my clock
Make it all stop
We all have to move
On


Good alliteration in line two. I was relieved to see an l in "clock", I read it wrong for a second.

A very good piece overall.
#5
You?re due a gander.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#6
^^ Haha! I see what you mean about the clock part! Thank you, what was your name by the way? I forget.

^ Cheers Will.
#7
This is really nice my friend, it has a brilliant flow and rhyme scheme; and simply put, has a great song feel about it. Is it slow acoustic?

Choking dying
Floating flying
Smile from cheek to cheek
Can?t break my clock
Make it all stop
We all have to move
On

My only doubts are in this stanza. I think the flow is a tad out on 3rd line; maybe smiling cheek to cheek. And I think you could drop the all on 5th line as it is repeated in last. And on the last line I would use; We all move on. Apart from that I would say that you are getting better with every new post.

All the best Caz mate

Oh and I always leave my shoes on, even when I'm sleeping. Just so I don't ever have to worry about where to leave them. Cheers
#8
^ Thank you. Well, most of my music is acoustics yeah, but i don't have any specific lyrics going with any particular music/chords (i should sort that out really).

All the best as you would say
#9
To be honest, this little ditty should be left in your capable hands; alone, without question. For if I was to level criticism at this instance; it wouldn?t be particularly relevant or useful, as much as it would distract from the matter at hand.

Other than though, I wish you the best of luck.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#10
Awesome. I really liked this.
Lost beneath the carpet
As you let me in your home
Strangers all and over
Left me clutching to the phone

this bit was fantastic =) Im not so great at amazingly good crits(sowee) but i really enjoyed this peice of yours, nice one. Id give it 7/10
xx
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Meep is a word.
Use it.
#11
I like it. I think it's a wierd mix of abstract and concrete right now. Personally, I would like to see a little more concrete just to really bring things together. It works, just not my personal taste. I did like the imagery. "Wipe my feet on the welcome" sort of thing. Nice little plays on words like that go a mile, if used properly. So good job. Again, I would make it a bit more concrete, but that's me.

What sort of music did you have in mind?

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#12
Will: I'm shocked Thanks

Franz: Thanks

Pete: Thanks. I'm not sure about the music; i have this horrible habit of writing the lyrics without music, which won't help with me coursework I usually write acoustic songs though, so most probably it will turn up acoustic. Slow or more up-beat i'm not sure.

Thanks again everyone.