#1
New one, back to my old stuff so... enjoy, hopefully

Westward, Forward, Onward

She breathes out loud just to know she?s alive
And she?s holding herself hostage with subatomic lies
She?s losing sleep just to make herself different
Masking the face of the silent breakdown

Promise me, promise me, you?re everything I wanna be
Bring me down and you will know it, know it

Vandalising plans thought up by perfection
Watching falling sands, holding out for direction
You see the lights that are pointing you westward
But you still stand still and wonder why

Promise me; promise me, you?re everything I wanna be
Bring me down and you will know it
You are the light that leads forward, onward
You are the one I need right here
(x2)

Looking through windows to look at yourself
You?re pride is broken, but you can?t ask for help
And there is no one waiting on the other side
So you think? Well think of me?

Promise me; promise me, you?re everything I wanna be
Bring me down and you will know it
You are the light that leads forward, onward
You are the one I need right here
(x2)

___________________________________________

ok, the first verse of the song was written using ideas and lyrics thrown at me from the other lyricist in my band so it's not completely my song. I changed the wording of the lyrics around but she's still got to get some credit. This song is for her, not about her or aimed at her but i just thought i'd give her some credit so that you knew it wasn't all me ... anyway, hope you enjoy
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#2
She breathes out loud just to know she?s alive
And she?s holding herself hostage with subatomic lies
She?s losing sleep just to make herself different
Masking the face of the silent breakdown

Now THIS was a great hook! Rhymed well, really made me think; brought a picture to my mind. I liked your good use of vocabulary. This stanza was... just awesome, haha.

Promise me, promise me, you?re everything I wanna be
Bring me down and you will know it, know it

Good too, the lines still have my attention and the first line was creative.

Vandalising plans thought up by perfection
Watching falling sands, holding out for direction
You see the lights that are pointing you westward
But you still stand still and wonder why

"Vandalising" should be "vandalizing" just to let you know.
This stanza/verse was good as well. It had everything the first verse did.


Promise me; promise me, you?re everything I wanna be
Bring me down and you will know it
You are the light that leads forward, onward
You are the one I need right here

This was good, I could tell the story was going somewhere, that someone meant something to someone but one of them is kind of unsure how to live or something, well the point is you made me (the reader) actually think and feel, and that my friend, is very very important in songwriting; it wasn't a total load of nothing, like random words put together.


Looking through windows to look at yourself
You?re pride is broken, but you can?t ask for help
And there is no one waiting on the other side
So you think? Well think of me?

Ah, a nice ending right there.

I really felt this was quite inspirational, and I think I've already made my point that this was a good song.
"1456"... if you're reading this, you know what the code means, and i mean every word of it.... 1456!!!
#3
Thanks very much, iloveyou

Very indepth, thanks for the insight and you're right. The song was written for someone who doesn't know what she's doing. I tried to convey it from the person who is always going to be there for them, the rock so to speak.

ANymore...
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#4
She breathes out loud just to know she?s alive
And she?s holding herself hostage with subatomic lies
She?s losing sleep just to make herself different
Masking the face of the silent breakdown

{this is a REALLY, REALLY good first verse. the last line is the best}

Promise me, promise me, you?re everything I wanna be
Bring me down and you will know it, know it

Vandalising plans thought up by perfection
Watching falling sands, holding out for direction
You see the lights that are pointing you westward
But you still stand still and wonder why

{the first line is AMAZING. it should end up on a t-shirt. wait, correction: the WHOLE THING should end up on a t-shirt}

Promise me; promise me, you?re everything I wanna be
Bring me down and you will know it
You are the light that leads forward, onward
You are the one I need right here
(x2)

{excellent. that's all that needs to be said}

Looking through windows to look at yourself
You?re pride is broken, but you can?t ask for help
And there is no one waiting on the other side
So you think? Well think of me?

{this seems like the most personal verse here. it makes the song take on a whole new perpective.}

Promise me; promise me, you?re everything I wanna be
Bring me down and you will know it
You are the light that leads forward, onward
You are the one I need right here
(x2)

{great ending. really, really good}


i think this is one of your best pieces so far. if you could put it into music, it'd be wonderful. it's a piece that i think a lot of people can relate to. keep it up, matt.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#5
lol thanks Ally, you are probably the only person on this site who knows my name :P:

You need to post your new one ally, please???
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#6
^ just did.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#7
Vandalising plans thought up by perfection
Watching falling sands, holding out for direction
You see the lights that are pointing you westward
But you still stand still and wonder why


i love this part!
the whole thing was quite well written and i enjoyed reading it.
well done, keep up the good work.
#8
Hey.
The only thing i didn't really like in this was the chorus, just wasn't as sophisticated as the rest, however it would would make a good sorta hands waving in the air chorus if you know what i mean, so that's alright.

The rest of the piece was great; good use of vocabulary (and i get the feeling you actually know what they mean! :p, great imagery and well written generally.

I genuinely enjoyed reading this, good stuff.

If you have time, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359001
#9
I see that a lot of people have enjoyed this piece, so I think I might as well put in an alternative view.

This seems to me like quite a generic love song really. The chorus is so sickly sweet I'm trying not to throw up over my nice new keyboard, and the repeating of them might put some listeners into a coma.

However, the verse stanzas were a completely different class, and certainly did inject some depseratley-needed intelligence into this song, although it wasn't actually memorable. The title lines really are a let down.

Auals - I'm not trying to be an irritation, it's just I thought that everyone had been a bit generous with their critiques so far. It's not too bad, and I'm sure it would make a great pop song, but pop lyrics aren't usually too inspiring.

Anyway, keep on goin', and don't hate me too much.
#10
HAte you CJW? lol only since you beat me in that 1v1, i want a rematch soon ok? , thanks for the alternate view

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you were COMPLETELY WRONG (not to undermine you're intelligence or anything but you misinterpreted the song ,) it's not about love in the sense that you mean it, it's abotu love for, say, a brother or your personaly hero, the one person you look up too, i know it's pretty soppy for that but it's not meant in a "i love you, and i want to be with you" way. It's meant as a "you're amazing and you inspire me, where have you gone?"...

Thanks for the crit though, and to everyone else, i'm glad my new stuff is so POPular hahaha
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#11
Quote by Auals

you were COMPLETELY WRONG (not to undermine you're intelligence or anything but you misinterpreted the song ,) it's not about love in the sense that you mean it, it's abotu love for, say, a brother or your personaly hero, the one person you look up too, i know it's pretty soppy for that but it's not meant in a "i love you, and i want to be with you" way. It's meant as a "you're amazing and you inspire me, where have you gone?"...

Thanks for the crit though, and to everyone else, i'm glad my new stuff is so POPular hahaha


Platonic love?

Nevertheless my son, it?s unfair to describe CJ?s interpretation as being wrong, when the grand majority of the others who posted, made little to no attempt, to discern your intentions in regards to this piece.

No one's opinion should be invalidated; although, it would be wise to save the comparative vitriol, for those who blindly love your work, rather than those who remain inquisitive, and ergo question, the choices you?ve made throughout.

Enjoy yourself, yet never believe the hype.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#12
OK Auals, I apologise for any marginal misinterpretation, but my view reains mostly consistent upon the piece as a whole.

I gotta say, I think the outside influence on this piece is fairly obvious when compared to some of your other works, perhaps that's behind my somewhat harsh view of it.

Whatever it is, I look forward to your next work.
#13
^ hendrixedge, maybe we (or i) didn't "attempt to discern his intentions" because we got it. or at least a gist of the idea. i tend not to question writers on the idea behind their work because generally, they're hard to explain. besides that, everyone is an individual and therefore has their own individual take on everything. as such, i think a piece of writing is something that we are all meant to interpret in our own individual way, regardless of whatever reason/idea spawned it in the first place.

yes, i know i'll probably get flamed for this but i've made my point and i don't give a ****.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#14
Quote by the_me_effect
^ hendrixedge, maybe we (or i) didn't "attempt to discern his intentions" because we got it. or at least a gist of the idea. i tend not to question writers on the idea behind their work because generally, they're hard to explain. besides that, everyone is an individual and therefore has their own individual take on everything. as such, i think a piece of writing is something that we are all meant to interpret in our own individual way, regardless of whatever reason/idea spawned it in the first place.

yes, i know i'll probably get flamed for this but i've made my point and i don't give a ****.


Your point is the same as mine, ?misinterpretation? as it were, is something to be celebrated, not overtly dismissed.

Did you notice the second 'paragraph' of my post?

'No one's opinion should be invalidated; although, it would be wise to save the comparative vitriol, for those who blindly love your work, rather than those who remain inquisitive, and ergo question, the choices you?ve made throughout.'

Nevertheless, you meant well.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#15
Let me take a moment to apologise for the mess I've created in this thread.

When I posted my admittedly-harsh critique, I was just tring to be affable ('Curb Your Enthusiam' comin' in there!) and put forward a more critical viewpoint on this piece than those before me.
Obviously, I fluffed it badly by not reading the meaning that Auals had already described in post #3, and therefore have got myself in a bit of bother.

However, I was trying to be constructive and try to help, so I pray everyone (especially Auals) will find it in their heart of hearts to forgive me.

Cheers for now then peeps.
#16
Lol, thanks guys and the mess is understandable...

Hendrix, by "wrong" i mean "not what i was trying to get across". This in turn means i messed up somewhere because i didn't get across what i wanted too. I suppose it meant i was paying myself out :P: so no offense meant to CJW, and thanks for your crit too

CJW, sorry man, i didn't mean it to come out as it did.... accept my apology?


By the way Hendrix, notice the caps in my reply to CJW's first post that you quoted , i'm not taking it for granted...
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#17
Once again, the powers of good have triumphed over evil.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#19
Once again, the powers of relative apathy have triumphed over nihilistic abandon.

Does that seem more realistic to you?
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#22
no CJW we're all pissed as hell with you lol, we're cool man, none of my posts have been angry i just like to get my point across about my songs no matter what the cause. Forgive me if you thought i was angry by the way i'm still up for the 1v1 soon
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."