#1
It doesn't look like I'll have a computer for next week so this is my second for the weekend.

In another world, you would have ruled us all
But in our world you haven?t got the balls
Eternal paradise is over the horizon
You sought the sky and you were burned by the sun

For your peace of mind, you don?t get a lot
You think you?re average but you?re over the top
You sit in a chair next to your burning fire
The smoke from the chimney is reaching higher

People speak the truth but you still disbelieve
You swelter in the heat of your yellow fever
In your notebook, you write your innermost feelings
Just look at the people whom you are scaring

Remember when the world fell apart around you
You cried aloud but there was nothing you could do
You fell to your knees and you nearly died that day
So now you know why these are the last days of May

What May brought could kill the dead
But still you lie in your iron bed
Head upon your pillow of lies
As just another heartbeat dies
#2
Okay, full crit right here:

Quote by Dæmönika
It doesn't look like I'll have a computer for next week so this is my second for the weekend.

In another world, you would have ruled us all
But in our world you haven?t got the balls
Eternal paradise is over the horizon
You sought the sky and you were burned by the sun

Great opening to the song, there is a great use of imagery and I like the ideas being expressed. Nothing I would change.

For your peace of mind, you don?t get a lot
You think you?re average but you?re over the top
You sit in a chair next to your burning fire
The smoke from the chimney is reaching higher

Maybe change on the last line "your chimney" instead of the chimney, but that's just me.

People speak the truth but you still disbelieve
You swelter in the heat of your yellow fever
In your notebook, you write your innermost feelings
Just look at the people whom you are scaring

Check the word choice for swelter in the second line. I think wallow would sound better there instead of swelter. Aside from that, good job.

Remember when the world fell apart around you
You cried aloud but there was nothing you could do
You fell to your knees and you nearly died that day
So now you know why these are the last days of May

I love this verse. It does a great job portraying the loss of innocence and the helplessness one feels when losing it. On the third line, you could probably get rid of the second "you" before "nearly". It kind of sounds/flows/reads a little better that way.

What May brought could kill the dead
But still you lie in your iron bed
Head upon your pillow of lies
As just another heartbeat dies


On the third line, maybe rearrange it so it reads a little easier and rhythymically to something like, "You head upon a pillow of lies". I know it doesn't seem like much of a necessary change but I think it helps it read better.

Overall, I love this piece and it was written extremely well. It was a good topic, which was accurately portrayed and carried across to the reader, and overall just a great piece of literature. I give this a 9/10, its really excellent. If you would please be so kind: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359126
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#6
It's analysis time!:


In another world, you would have ruled us all
But in our world you haven?t got the balls
Eternal paradise is over the horizon
You sought the sky and you were burned by the sun

The underlying message in the stanza wonderful, but the usauge of 'balls' does not apeal to me in the slightest, but that is your choice. The last line reminds me of the story of Icarus, if that was the allusion you are aiming at, I enjoyed it.

For your peace of mind, you don?t get a lot
You think you?re average but you?re over the top
You sit in a chair next to your burning fire
The smoke from the chimney is reaching higher

Begining a forced rhyme scheme in this stanza, nothing is wrong with that. Pretty good

People speak the truth but you still disbelieve
You swelter in the heat of your yellow fever
In your notebook, you write your innermost feelings
Just look at the people whom you are scaring

You seem to be set astray from the stanza due to the tense of the last line. It is a very good stanza, but it requires an overview to make the point more concise.

Remember when the world fell apart around you
You cried aloud but there was nothing you could do
You fell to your knees and you nearly died that day
So now you know why these are the last days of May

I am findind it more difficult to find meaning in the finalmost lines of your stanza, it seems to be an alarming trend. You have a great verse here, but the last line needs to be addressed.

What May brought could kill the dead
But still you lie in your iron bed
Head upon your pillow of lies
As just another heartbeat dies

The ending is solid. Nothing to say.

All in all, I very much enjoyed your writing. There are a few minor problems brought alight to me, but them again I am very tempermental. Keep it up, you truely are a wonder writer.

If you wouldn't mind to take a gander at my latest:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358739
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
Last edited by EpitaphMan440 at May 13, 2006,
#7
Yum, pretty nice.

It felt almost perfect for what it was. A little slack in meter in places, but not too bad.

That's it really, the meter was a bit off and there were a few cliches in there.

Rest was pretty noice.