#1
hi this is my first ever song and i thouht id post it here cause you guys seem to know what your talking about


Beyond therapy

You Strike, Me Dumb
So When I see You, I should run
So far away,
Cause for the first time, today
Since I learned, to speak
I forgot, What to say
And I know, That some Day
Your gonna, gonna make me pay

Chorus
You?ve put me so far beyond therapy
What confidence I had you?ve taken it away from me
now a know you?ll never wanna be with me
im so crazy far beyond therapy
x 2

You?re to, good for me
your way out, of my league
so now I, I concede
that ill leave, you alone
and stay at home, in my room (pronounced like Rome sorta)
and ill die, alone
cause if I cant, have you
than I don?t. I don?t want anyone

chorusx2

bridge

chorusx3
"Why should we subsidise intellectual curiosity?"
-Ronald Reagan

"Knowledge is in every country the surest basis of public happiness."
-George Washington
#3
^ read. Read again. Cause he said it best.

Rock On
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[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

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#4
yeah, i have to agree. don't worry so much about rhyming. if you have a good rhythm, you don't really even need to rhyme. also stay away from the day/pay type of rhymes because they sound bad. if you want to rhyme, pick a different scheme.

you should also use some sort of poetics devices, and make you songs lass straightforward.

just keep practicing and you'll get better
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#5
^ thanks
"Why should we subsidise intellectual curiosity?"
-Ronald Reagan

"Knowledge is in every country the surest basis of public happiness."
-George Washington
#6
Quote by Ur all $h1t
hi this is my first ever song and i thouht id post it here cause you guys seem to know what your talking about


Beyond therapy

You Strike, Me Dumb
So When I see You, I should run
So far away,
Cause for the first time, today
Since I learned, to speak
I forgot, What to say
And I know, That some Day
Your gonna, gonna make me pay

Very good. Comes right out and says what it wants to. Went overboard with the -ay words though

Chorus
You?ve put me so far beyond therapy
What confidence I had you?ve, taken it away from me
now a know you?ll never wanna be with me
im so crazy; far beyond therapy
x 2

Well thought out. Not bad.


You?re too good for me
your way out of my league
so now I concede
that ill leave you alone
and stay at home, in my room (pronounced like Rome sorta)
and ill die, alone
cause if I cant have you
than I don?t.
I don?t want anyone

Too many commas

chorusx2

bridge

chorusx3


Very good. You overused commas, though