#1
Alright, since it didn't get much response the first time around, I'll try this song again. I'm trying my hand at a new style for me, revolution themes. Let me know what you think and I will return the favor.


Initiation:

Blasting out fast enough to singe and sear
Eradicating every last shred of fear
It?s time for us to care and pick up the slack
Because we?re only looking forward and never turning back
From the veneration of our generation
We know what we want and we?re not gonna be patient
Time to seek and make our own solution
Start the initiation of the revolution

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

Things are never quite what they seem
With suits all around and you never know what they mean
People all around being incredibly vague
To get what you want you need to practically beg
With a system so vacillating, it?s easy to corrupt
You?ve got puppets in power telling you what?s up
If you want to find a new solution
Start the initiation of the revolution

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

Tell me, is this the man you want?
With his trigger finger on your bomb
Using napalm to solve every problem
But they just cause more to people who got ?em
Don?t sink to that level using nothing but violence
Rise above with demonstrations, peace talks, and silence
There can always be a peaceful solution
Start the initiation of the new revolution

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#2
You shall recieve a full crit.

Blasting out fast enough to singe and sear
Eradicating every last shred of fear
It?s time for us to care and pick up the slack
Because we?re only looking forward and never turning back
From the veneration of our generation
We know what we want and we?re not gonna be patient
Time to seek and make our own solution
Start the initiation of the revolution

**Hmm, only so-so. I don't really like the "Fast enough to singe and sear" part. I don't know, it just seem like you forced the rhyme there. I give this part a 4 or 5 outta 10**

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

**It's getting sort of a metal feel to it, but metal in a major key.**

Things are never quite what they seem
With suits all around and you never know what they mean
People all around being incredibly vague
To get what you want you need to practically beg
With a system so vacillating, it?s easy to corrupt
You?ve got puppets in power telling you what?s up
If you want to find a new solution
Start the initiation of the revolution

**"You've got puppets in power telling you what's up" Not feelin the "what's up" part. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the song. This song has kind of an epic feel to it and that just doesn't fit.**

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

Tell me, is this the man you want?
With his trigger finger on your bomb
Using napalm to solve every problem
But they just cause more to people who got ?em
Don?t sink to that level using nothing but violence
Rise above with demonstrations, peace talks, and silence
There can always be a peaceful solution
Start the initiation of the new revolution

**This part sort of has a rap feel to it almost. You've stated plainly what you're talking about and there is no real meaning in it other than that your just complaining. You also just repeated youself over and over in that verse, basically saying that we should take the peaceful route.**

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

In all, I don't really like the lyrics at all, but they have a decent (only decent) flow to them, and might be good with some good riffs. 6 outta 10.
#3
With suits all around and you never know what they mean
People all around being incredibly vague

didn't like your using 'all around' twice like that.

i didn't really care for the lyrics... the last stanza ruined it with the peace talk line.

honestly, i think you should wait a while before trying to write this type of song
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#4
Well, here I go again!:

Initiation:

Blasting out fast enough to singe and sear
Eradicating every last shred of fear
It?s time for us to care and pick up the slack
Because we?re only looking forward and never turning back
From the veneration of our generation
We know what we want and we?re not gonna be patient
Time to seek and make our own solution
Start the initiation of the revolution

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

Well, I did enjoy this to the fullest extent. This has a resonace of a power rock song. I know your going to be picked apart for using forced rhymes, but i'm rather partial to them, so I will not deject your to such a bashing. Good stanza.

Things are never quite what they seem
With suits all around and you never know what they mean
People all around being incredibly vague
To get what you want you need to practically beg
With a system so vacillating, it?s easy to corrupt
You?ve got puppets in power telling you what?s up
If you want to find a new solution
Start the initiation of the revolution

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

Solid stanza. Sorry I cannon't delve into more detail.

Tell me, is this the man you want?
With his trigger finger on your bomb
Using napalm to solve every problem
But they just cause more to people who got ?em
Don?t sink to that level using nothing but violence
Rise above with demonstrations, peace talks, and silence
There can always be a peaceful solution
Start the initiation of the new revolution

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

Overall this is a good song, rising slightly above the fine line of mediocrity, which is a breath of perverbial fresh air for a song which has underlying neopolitical meanings. Keep it up!


If you could take a look at my piece, and return the favour of critique, a smile will be placed upon me.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358739
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#5
Blasting out fast enough to singe and sear
Eradicating every last shred of fear
It?s time for us to care and pick up the slack
Because we?re only looking forward and never turning back
From the veneration of our generation
We know what we want and we?re not gonna be patient
Time to seek and make our own solution
Start the initiation of the revolution


I liked the internal rhyme in line five. Line six is too long and disrupts the good flow you had beforehand. Another good internal rhyme in line eight, although I'm not too keen on what you're trying to portray or the message you're trying to convey. With the rhyming, you're doing what everyone else seems to do, in that you only rhyme the final syllable or two. Perhaps changing a rhyme scheme (I would not do it for this one as it would fuck up the whole song) to something few people have done. Perhaps alliterative rhyming, semi-rhyming (bend & ending for example) or sight rhyme (move & love)


Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

I didn't like the single line constituting its own stanza. Join these three lines together.

Things are never quite what they seem
With suits all around and you never know what they mean
People all around being incredibly vague
To get what you want you need to practically beg
With a system so vacillating, it?s easy to corrupt
You?ve got puppets in power telling you what?s up
If you want to find a new solution
Start the initiation of the revolution

I suggest lengthening line seven so it keeps the flow with line eight. Although they look the same length, the syllable count is too different to sound good.


Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

Tell me, is this the man you want?
With his trigger finger on your bomb
Using napalm to solve every problem
But they just cause more to people who got ?em
Don?t sink to that level using nothing but violence
Rise above with demonstrations, peace talks, and silence
There can always be a peaceful solution
Start the initiation of the new revolution

Line four makes little sense to me. I didn't like the talk about peace at the end, it detracts in meaning from what you were alluding to before.

Listen, we?ve got something to say

It?s time to bring out the instigation
Get ready for the initiation

This isn't your best work, the rhyming was bland in places although you're vocabulary was commendable.
#6
Ok so some rhyming does sound a tad forced, and some lines seem a bit off, in that they are too long, hence creating an awkward flow here and there. And the idea isn't original. And the last stanzas wording could be changed imo. But all that said this still smacks of a great song, just reading through it without any music I could feel the song, and that is a good thing for sure.

Keep it up feller
All the best Hendrix4ever https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359626