#1
It's a sort acoustic song. Tell me wacha think.

(Verse 1)
I don?t wanna be
Part of a letdown
Part of a dull sound
I want to try to escape
From the
expectations
Of civilization
I don?t wanna march in place
I?m told to fit
Into a mold
And a story told
Over and over again
You have to be
What?s expected
To be accepted
To be a man among men

(Chorus)
Does anyone know how came to be
Why is it personal preference
That determines what we believe
It?s just a substitute at best
Is there anything worth trying
Anything worth sinning for
Is living worth dieing
When we have to leave this world

(Verse 2)
People bite
The hand of the feeder
And follow the leader
With the most power and wealth
We?re told to be
Part of what once was
Do something just because
It?s done by everyone else
They say you have to
Fall into line
Believe in a lie
But that doesn?t make it hard
To become
Another clone
Believe only what?s known
And just to fake the part

(Bridge)
Not wanting to let life pass us by
We grab on tight and close our eyes
We?re at full speed; We can?t stop
Tending towards chaos
Something tells us this isn?t right
This isn?t reality; this isn?t life
Everyone?s oblivious or so it seems
And everything inside of you screams
#2
hi there, guitar_is_fly, just read your piece. although the first verse is what i liked most, line 4 didn't flow as well as the rest of it imo. dunno, there's just smth in it that i don't like very much. last four lines were great, though.
i'm not that sure either about the chorus, it seemed too plain, if u know what i mean. lacks some imagery? might be, dunno.
second verse wasn't as good as the first, but for the last five lines, which i quite like. i think i'd work on it anyways, do some rewordin or smth.
the bridge was ok, no real problems in it. might want to look for a tronger endin, though.
overall it's a fairly good piece, and i like what u're talkin about, so keep workin on it.
ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#3
Okay for first verse, I like it except for the 7th line, "Of civilization." It just seems to be kind of a forced rhyme and doesn't really seem to fit so well with the song. Aside from that, good verse.
For the chorus, I don't really like the first line. It doesn't seem to make too much sense to me because I don't know who or what "came to be." Good chorus otherwise.
For Verse 2, I liked the whole thing, and there's nothing I would see fit to change.
For the bridge, on line 4 I might change it to "Heading towards chaos" or something like that. Tending doesn't seem to fit so well. The rest of it was written well, though I personally think the idea at the end should be less about how it isn't life and more about how it is and how one should change it-but that's just my preference.
Overall I give this piece a 7.5/10 because you did a good job expressing the theme, but there were some confusing parts that didn't really fit with the song. Fix those and it should be a great tune!
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#6
If you want people to critique your writing, whether said writing happens to be prose, lyrics or poetry of any description, critique the work of others.

Also, take note of worthwhile comments, such as those shown above, instead of merely crying for further commentary.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…