#1
Cactus Thorns Make Excellent Writing Utencils (working title)
This is pretty much my first song, but I have several pieces parts or beginnings of other ones I've written before that I would prefer to embelish upon later. Please Critique! it's supposed to be sort of fast paced then slow down toward the middle then build up at the end....
--------------------------------------------
Please get away from me!
I can barely stand,
to even look at your face anymore!
You still haven't learned
(and probably never will).

But I got a plan,
that'll make this work out for the best.
As long as you start walking East,
I'll start driving to the West,
(as long as you give me
a head start).

You know what I'll do?
I'll steal a car
or anything that'll get me far,
away from you.
And along the way,
I'll rob a conveinent store
or maybe a bank,
or anything to get enough money up,
just to fill up the tank.

And I'll start driving,
in the direction in which the Sun is setting.
And I won't stop.
Not until I see my first cactus.
Then I'll lay down and draw,
dots and lines in the sand,
for the vultures to read,
and to play in their band.
Their music you'll hear.
You'll be drawn to their singing:

"Dot Dot Line Stop
Dot Line Stop Line
I died Loving you,
but couldn't forgive you in time,
in a second or two I'll be overcome by the heat
but I'd give anything to see you smiling at me,
again...
again."

But you mustn't forget.
You've got to keep your half of our promise.
You gotta start walking East,
as soon as I'm off Driving West.
Pretty soon you'll feel your feet in the sand,
and you'll be interupting everyone's picnics

And you can't stop.
Not until the ocean swallows you up,
Now you're floating away,
and you're listening to the lullaby,
of the whales and the waves.
And you fall asleep,
and you're floating down,
passed the titanic's parking lot
where the lights are all out.

But eventually you'll be picked up by
a Russian Submarine.
and they'll wake you up,
and you'll wonder where you are,
and what all the commotion is about,
as they'll feed you and clothe you,
and maybe wrap warm blankets around you,
as it was quite cold.
They'll get a translater up, he'll say they picked up a transmission.
It's morse code.
It's the vultures playing in the desert on their xylophones,
they made from my ribs and the rest of my bones.
"It's a message for you" he'll say.
"I'm afraid it goes":

"Dot Dot Line Stop
Line Dot Stop Line
I died loving you,
but couldn't forgive you in time,
and in a second or two I'll be overcome by the heat,
but I'd give anything to see you smiling at me.
And I'm sure you'll go on to live a wonderful life.
You'll have exactly four kids,
each one as smart as the last.
And a loving husband,
that'll kiss each one of them Good-night.
And you'll all go to bed and turn out the lights.
and everytime you close your eyes,
you'll have beautiful dreams.
that remind you of the beautiful life that you lead.
And not a one,
not a single one,
will be about me."
----------------------------------------
That's the first song I've written for this site. It's also the first I've written that I've really shown anyone. Any crtique would be very appreciated and much obliged. Also suggestions for the title would be nice as I didn't put much thought into it. Thanks.
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at May 14, 2006,
#2
My words of wisdom will be your gift for today ( ) :

Please get away from me!
I can barely stand,
to even look at your face anymore!
You still haven't learned
(and prbably never will).

But I got a plan,
that'll make this work out for the best.
As long as you start walking East,
I'll start driving to the West,
(as long as you give me
a head start).

Good starting. The brackets are unecessary in my opinion, as be it they lay the ending to the stanzas and should not be confined to a wisper. So to say.

You know what I'll do?
I steal a car
or anything that get me far away from you.
And along the way,
I'll rob a conveinent store or maybe a bank,
or anything to get enough money just to fill up the tank.


You starting to lose cohesion here, which is a shame with such a good starting on this song. The last line just halts the flow (IMO).

And I'll start driving
in the direction in which the Sun is setting.
And I won't stop
Not until I see my first cactus.
Then I'll lay down and draw
dots and lines in the sand
for the vultures to read
and to play in their band
their music you'll hear
when I'm gone and dead

This is wonderful, great imagery. Don't touch this, it works beautifully

And it goes:
"Dot Dot Line Stop
Dot Line Stop Line
I died Loving you,
but couldn't forgive you in time,
in a second or two I'll be overcome by the heat
but I'd give anything to see you smiling at me,
again...
again.

But you mustn't forget.
You've got to keep your half of our promise.
You gotta start walking East,
as soon as I'm off Driving West.
Pretty soon you'll feel your feet in the sand,
and you'll be interupting everyone's picnics

Your starting to lend into an alternate structure now, I think you should try to transistion this better.

And you can't stop.
Not until the ocean swallows you up,
and you're floating away,
and you're listening to the lullaby,
of the whales and the waves.
And you fall asleep,
and you're floating down,
Passed the titanic's parking lot
and where the lights are all out.

But eventually you'll be picked up by
a Russian Submarine.
and they'll wake you up,
and you'll wonder where you are,
and what all the commotion is about,
as they'll feed you and clothe you,
and maybe wrap warm blankets around you,
as it was quite cold.
They'll get a translater up, he'll say they picked up a transmission.
It's morse code.
It's the vultures playing in the desert on their xylophones,
they made from my ribs and the rest of my bones.
"It's a message for you" he'll say.
"I'm afraid it goes":

Great usuage of re-initiation of past lines. Brings the reader back, whilst moving forward with the piece in general.


Dot Dot Line Stop
Line Dot Stop Line
I died loving you,
but couldn't forgive you in time.
and in a second or two I'll be overcome by the heat,
but I'd give anything to see you smiling at me.
And I'm sure you'll go on to live a wonderful life.
You'll have exactly four kids
each one as smart as the last.
And a loving husband,
that'll kiss each one of them Good-night.
And you'll all go to bed and turn out the lights.
and everytime you close eyes,
you'll have beautiful dreams.
that remind of the beautiful life you lead.
And not a single one,
not a single one,
will be about me.


The last lines in the stanza are great. I very much enjoyed the read.

This was quite long, and is boarderlining my tastes for duration.

Over not too bad.


If you have the time please stop by my work, and return the favour:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358739

Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#3
Thank you for the crit, I have to say I realized that the transition at that one point was rather shaky, but I could not find a better way of doing it. Also that one stanza in particular you poined out I must agree is a little shakey, I like the idea but it came out shakey. And as far as length goes, I fond it nessesary and more interesting than just obligatory repetitions that are found in many songs but it is true I relized it was growing in length as I wrote it.

I will try a better transition, thanx for the crit man.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at May 13, 2006,
#4
hmm...good job.i was a little confused, but i can tell you put a great amount of time into this song. Keep up the good work, you just might want to clarify a few of the verses in the song.

You could call it a few different names...

Here are a few I just came up with

Morse Code Roulette
Gas Money
Dot Dot Line Stop
Driving Ourselves Apart

I like the last one especially, because they are kind of figuratively driving themselves apart emotionally i guess, and they are also literally driving ourselves apart.

Good Job.
If you have time, please stop by my thread and review my song "We are the future"


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359331


--OA
#6
For a first song this is very well written. After the first 3 stanzas i really liked it. i dont think you should change the title, its good. overall i'd give it an 8/10. keep up the good work!
#7
Thanks guys!, and as far as putting a lot of time into this, the truth is I really didn't, this song just sort of poured out of my brain in like 5 mins and it took another 2 to write it down here. I could have easily touched it up by reading it over and over and adjusting it, but I was just so excited since this was the first song that I wrote that I wasn't angry or sad at someone when I wrote it, and I was able to put to a melody immeadiately. You know?

and I'll make sure to stop by your work Ocean and if I see the others I will read that too. Oh and I agree I had a difficulty setting up the stories of both the lovers with a single cohesive idea, I had the last parts of the story in my head before the first, and the first few stanzas suffer as a result. I will go back and try to rewrite it. Thank you.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
I wasn't too keen on the first couple of stanzas in general; they lack the intrigue that would normally entice the reader to continue, just 'cause they're a bit blunt basically.

Afterwards your writing definitely improves. As has been mentioned, your imagery about the desert is interesting.

Looking through the piece as a whole, I'd have to say that perhaps it lacks that cutting edge of inginuity that really makes a piece memorable. The tone created by the end is certainly quite depressing.

For the future, I'd advise taking a more subtle route to speak of such matters, because it will make the readers work harder. Although, this wasn't at all bad for a start.
#9
I like this, but perhaps the journey of the her going through various places is too long, the russian submarine stanza is a bit long I feel, but the concept is good
Idiot Pineapple wrote:

I've always held the theory that the Cold War was started because of guitar tabs.


Flickr-mus Prime
#10
I think this peice is a little long, unless your going for that feeling. But I have to crit so I may as well get started.
Verse 1: This is an exceptional starting for your first song I must say. The brackets are unnecessary in each verse, but to make them work you could whisper them in between each verse.
Verse 2: I really like this part for some reason.
Verse 3: This seems sort of long and unnecessary for the song. Its good but seems ineffective.
Verse 4: Beautiful imagery here, its one of the best parts of the song. Let it be.
Verse 5: This is good but I don't understand the dots and line part. Are you indicating something in morse code?
Verse 6: This is amazingly unique. Especially the last line, its the best in the song.
Verse 7: This is about the equal of the above verse. I love the "Titanic parking lot" This is an excellently creative line.
Verse 8: This whole verse seems sort of long and un-needed. Yet it stays in tact with your previous brilliance.
Verse 9: This. Is. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. There I said it this is an spectacular ending, I love it.
Ok this is honestly my favorite peice on here. No, I'm not lying or crazy, this is just amazingly amazing!!!! 10/10 for you my lad.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#11
I?d like to be honest, and merely state, that although this is a great effort on your behalf; I personally found little of real interest within this piece as a whole. Now in saying that, I mean not to be disparaging, though ever so slightly realistic instead.

For in my opinion, irrational praise can only lead to contentment and satisfaction, a facet of humanity that one must negate. For expression by manner is not only boundless, though also irreverent and thoroughly illogical as well; and to be content, is to ignore further artistic possibilities.

In summary, continue to write, and learn from the mistakes, that you will undoubtedly make; never look back, ignore the wishes of the horde, and above all, enjoy yourself. For within the act of writing, one can attain a level of joy, unheard of, throughout the corridors of other artistic endeavour.

Thank you, and good luck.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 14, 2006,
#12
Calvin:
wow, well thank you very much. I understand it is long everyone, but this was my intention, for it to be that sort of epic song, the kind that would have string arrangements but not nessesarily, and just builds until it explodes at the end with the singer out of breath you know? and as far as the ineffective third verse I suppose I was trying to make the guy seem as awful as possible but it didn't work well and I think I'll fix it evntually.

EDIt : HendrixEdge is very wise and what he says is very true and I take it to heart but he makes me feel stupid all the time and yes 10/10 is quite extreme, and I think there are writers on here that are much better than I.

EDIt #2 : You know what? Now that I think about it HendrixEdge you were not very constructive at all with your criticism. Just because someone said it was the best thing they've read here, which is so obviously irrational, it does not mean you have to go and say my writing has no substance in it whatsoever. That was quite mean what you said although disguised in your silly high-falutnent (sp.) style of speech. I feel quite hurt now actually. Like what I wrote meant nothing. double stop putting on airs. You shall float away one day and will never come down to rest.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at May 14, 2006,
#13
I?m sorry but you?ve misconstrued my point entirely. I was merely stating that if you found yourself overtly satisfied with what you have produced thus far, you would have no incentive to improve, further still, as a writer.

It really is as simplistic as that, and I apologise for the harsh tone.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 14, 2006,
#14
Quote by HendrixEdge
I?m sorry but you?ve misconstrued my point entirely. I was merely stating that if you found yourself overtly satisfied with what you have produced thus far, you would have no incentive to improve, further still, as a writer.

It really is as simplistic as that, and I apologise for the harsh tone.


Well I did of course understand your main point and that was the point I took to heart because it is very true, but that does not change the fact that you said you found little interest in my writing at all, and I, respecting you very much as a writer, was somewhat saddened by your disapproval. Almost ashamed. Like I failed to live up to something. Alas, I understand your point in it's entirity otherwise and I will continue to write.

Anyway thanks for the words of wisdom. To think I would miss that simple philospohy is absurd but to miss that your tone was overly repremansive is just so. And apology accepted although I feel silly now anyway. Thanks. and don't worry about it. I shant dispair!
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at May 14, 2006,
#15
Thank you, for your dignified response. Nevertheless, there?s no reason for you to feel silly at all, for I simply have quite contrary, and oft disparate tastes, in relation to the majority of those who happen to post here.

However, we have to be able to accept, that all of our work will not loved, or even liked by others; in fact there are those who positively despise my work in its entirety, and that is something that I have learnt to live with. You see the level of subjectivity inherent in all forms of art; sculpture, painting, music, and literature, is inconceivably astonishing, and to deny so would be immensely absurd, inadvertently denying man?s right to both choice, and individuality.
Needless to say however, I?ll not prattle on; though I?ll thank you once again, for handling this matter, in a most admirable fashion.

Cheers,

Will
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 14, 2006,
#16
Please get away from me!
I can barely stand,
to even look at your face anymore!
You still haven't learned
(and probably never will).

Not a very good start, imo. Very juvenile in tone and hard to take seriously, most wouldn't even read past this part. However, that fact aside, on to the next.

But I got a plan,
that'll make this work out for the best.
As long as you start walking East,
I'll start driving to the West,
(as long as you give me
a head start).

Not as ill concieved as the previous stanza, but still lacking. I liked the idea east/west, but felt that it wasn't expressed at it's fullest potential, if any.

You know what I'll do?
I'll steal a car
or anything that'll get me far,
away from you.
And along the way,
I'll rob a conveinent store
or maybe a bank,
or anything to get enough money up,
just to fill up the tank.

And we are back at the juvenile tone of the opening stanza. Imo, this isn't really necessary. So far the second stanza is the one that seems important.

And I'll start driving,
in the direction in which the Sun is setting.
And I won't stop.
Not until I see my first cactus.
Then I'll lay down and draw,
dots and lines in the sand,
for the vultures to read,
and to play in their band.
Their music you'll hear.
You'll be drawn to their singing:

An improvement over the first three stanzas, imo, though I will say that the line before last is worded rather oddly and is in need of change. Lovely idea, the morse code.

"Dot Dot Line Stop
Dot Line Stop Line
I died Loving you,
but couldn't forgive you in time,
in a second or two I'll be overcome by the heat
but I'd give anything to see you smiling at me,
again...
again."

Not sure about the smiling line here, but the rest is decent. I like the opening lines here.

But you mustn't forget.
You've got to keep your half of our promise.
You gotta start walking East,
as soon as I'm off Driving West.
Pretty soon you'll feel your feet in the sand,
and you'll be interupting everyone's picnics

The overuse of pronouns made this part sound rather drab, but nonetheless, this is a good stanza for starters.

And you can't stop.
Not until the ocean swallows you up,
Now you're floating away,
and you're listening to the lullaby,
of the whales and the waves.
And you fall asleep,
and you're floating down,
passed the titanic's parking lot
where the lights are all out.

This is a good idea here, but I'm not too keen on the shift between desert and ocean, since I feel that staying true to a single theme makes for a stronger and more cohesive piece.

But eventually you'll be picked up by
a Russian Submarine.
and they'll wake you up,
and you'll wonder where you are,
and what all the commotion is about,
as they'll feed you and clothe you,
and maybe wrap warm blankets around you,
as it was quite cold.
They'll get a translater up, he'll say they picked up a transmission.
It's morse code.
It's the vultures playing in the desert on their xylophones,
they made from my ribs and the rest of my bones.
"It's a message for you" he'll say.
"I'm afraid it goes":

Hmm... I think I'm starting to like this shift more now, seeing as the morse code works out nicely with the idea, but I feel that the run-on flow was rather bothersome.

"Dot Dot Line Stop
Line Dot Stop Line
I died loving you,
but couldn't forgive you in time,
and in a second or two I'll be overcome by the heat,
but I'd give anything to see you smiling at me.
And I'm sure you'll go on to live a wonderful life.
You'll have exactly four kids,
each one as smart as the last.
And a loving husband,
that'll kiss each one of them Good-night.
And you'll all go to bed and turn out the lights.
and everytime you close your eyes,
you'll have beautiful dreams.
that remind you of the beautiful life that you lead.
And not a one,
not a single one,
will be about me."

I didn't think that the addition to the previous form of this stanza was necessary and that it didn't really fit in the piece as a whole.



Thank you for your thoughts on "An Evening in Nagasaki," it was greatly appreciated. This is a good piece for now, but I feel that you can grow to become an even better writer with more practice.

your friendly neighborhood S&L mod,
!troy!
#17
The exclamation points seemed uneeded in the first part, and the second and thrid part sound like a reworked version of a some Brand New songs.

Also:
"But you mustn't forget.
You've got to keep your half of our promise.
You gotta start walking East,
as soon as I'm off Driving West.
Pretty soon you'll feel your feet in the sand,
and you'll be interupting everyone's picnics"

That line sounded really bad. I would suggest taking it out.

Other than that, kind of innovative but more bland. The East/West idea never really worked out. However I found the desert part quite intriuging.

Pretty good for a first piece I'd say .
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#18
Overall this is a real solid piece. Basically I was able to read through the whole thing without having to stop and wonder if that line was right or wrong, or if changes were needed here and there. It was a nice story. I like writings long, or short that take you back to an earlier part and totally fit and create a fullness to the whole piece.
So yeh well done mate.
I am sure that you will make any changes you feel necessary from earlier crits; and this will help to make this an even better piece.

All the best Knife2agunfight
#19
Thanks for all the feedback you guys it is very much appreciated.

and to sonaofabeach:
Now that I reread this yes it is very similar in a way, in those two stanzas at least, to Brand New, in a sort of Jude Law meets Soco Amaretto way, and although unintentional I do admire Mr. Lacey's writing style very much, and it may sort have been taken up in this piece accidentally and I did groan abit when I wrote 'I got a Plan' knowing I would have to fix it. But also this song is very much in the sort of structure as 70x7 as far as rhthym goes. But I assure you I have no intention of copying or reworking any Brand New songs.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#20
Not really what floats my boat. But for a first song that's pretty good. I don't really think theres anything wrong with it.
#21
not a bad song for your first one. nice length and interesting idea. u could mmaybe try using a lil more metaphors in that song and maybe a few longer lines to make it better. pretty good tho. i'll give it a 7.5/10