#1
First song, I follow an ABAB pattern. Tell me what you think of it.


Forget the past, let's focus on right now
Trying to live on what's dead and gone
The more you push me down
The more I strive to become strong

Looking for something that isn't there
The harder you try to find
The less you seem to care
Thinking that I wouldn't mind

What's dead is dead
What's gone is gone
Don't try to bring it back
You've held it back for far too long

Digging deeper than I'm willing to go
This pushing and shoving is proving to kill
Just release it and let it go

Pushed aside and left for dead
Take it away;I'll make a deal
I need it like a bullet to my head
It's my pain I want you to steal

Whats dead is dead
Whats gone is gone
Don't bother bringing is back
'Cause I need it a a hole in my head

Go ahead, kick me while I'm down
Goahead you done it once before
While your at it, put me in the ground
Dosen't matter now, you've killed me at the core

In the end, it all comes down to this
Before I fade away, this isn't the best time
But I want to give you one last final kiss
Forever hold me in your heart and mind


How do you like it so far, I'll add when I write more

*Updated*
Last edited by myampgoesto11 at May 17, 2006,
#2
Not too bad, Sounds like a familiar song though, almost like lyrics i've heard before but all in all good job buddy
...:::The Master Chief :::...
#4
Abbra-cadbra! Poof! Crit time:


Forget the past;let's focus on right now
Trying to live on what's dead and gone
The more you push me down
The more I strive to become strong

Improper and/or clumsy usage of an semicolon, but you are forgiven. You are dabbling on grounds of cliche here, but since it is your first peice I will not subject and chastise you to such punishment. Mediocre.

Looking for something that isn't there
The harder you try to find
The less you seem to care
Thinking that I wouldn't mind

What's dead is dead
What's gone gone
Don't try to bring it back
You've held it back for far too long

Not bad. Whats gone gone, should be fixed to something more grammatically correct.

Digging deeper than I'm willing to go
This pushing and shoving is proving to kill
Just release it and let it go

Pushed aside and left for dead
Take it away;I'll make a deal
I need it like a bullet to my head
It's my pain I want you to steal

There are few minor cliche and flow problems overall in this piece, but it is your first one, so judgement is to be nary a swift. Write more, and write often and you will vastly improve. This is good for a first attempt comrade.


If you wouldn't mind :
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358739
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén