#1
This is my first song, written in a sort of pearl jam influenced vein, i think the verses are ok, but i don't really like the chorus. Any help would be appreciated


He feels crushed by the weight of the ocean?s size
But the hard grind of life takes a sacrifice
Feels like nowhere else ever could suffice
Cos when he leaves a part of him dies?

Inside?
The waiting cost for a life that?s lost
And maybe?
He?s not quite the man he was
When he dreams?
It?s with his final breath
Cos when he sleeps he?s pretty close to death

Neon lights strain his eyes just to stay awake
Coffee cups drained empty so he can escape
He?s tired and old now his souls been sold
And that corporate suit don?t fit too well

Inside?
The waiting cost for a life that?s lost
And yeh he knows?
He?s not quite the man he was
When he dreams?
It?s with his final breath
Cos when he sleeps he?s pretty close to death

There aint no rest in a city that never sleeps
He?s working til his death for some moguls dream
If he lies awake at night, well what can I say
Foolish belief he can go back one day

No, no, no, no-no-no-no
No, woah oh! no-no-no-no

(guitar solo)

that life is dead, that life is gone
Coast don?t stay the same, ocean?s strong
that life is dead, that life is gone
Nothing lasts for ever, things can go so wrong?
(fades out)
#2
Quote by Thin-Lizzy
This is my first song, written in a sort of pearl jam influenced vein, i think the verses are ok, but i don't really like the chorus. Any help would be appreciated


He feels crushed by the weight of the ocean?s size
But the hard grind of life takes a sacrifice
Feels like nowhere else ever could suffice
Cos when he leaves a part of him dies?

Inside?
The waiting cost for a life that?s lost
And maybe?
He?s not quite the man he was
When he dreams?
It?s with his final breath
Cos when he sleeps he?s pretty close to death

Neon lights strain his eyes just to stay awake
Coffee cups drained empty so he can escape
He?s tired and old now his souls been sold
And that corporate suit don?t fit too well

Inside?
The waiting cost for a life that?s lost
And yeh he knows?
He?s not quite the man he was
When he dreams?
It?s with his final breath
Cos when he sleeps he?s pretty close to death

There aint no rest in a city that never sleeps
He?s working til his death for some moguls dream
If he lies awake at night, well what can I say
Foolish belief he can go back one day

No, no, no, no-no-no-no
No, woah oh! no-no-no-no

Junk.

(guitar solo)

that life is dead, that life is gone
Coast don?t stay the same, ocean?s strong
that life is dead, that life is gone
Nothing lasts for ever, things can go so wrong?
(fades out)



Evrerything besides what I labled is perfect.
#4
I quite like the verses (besides the first one) and that line in the chorus, "When he dreams it's with his final breath". But the 'pretty close to death' bit sounds a bit weak, like it should be something more radical. Like, maybe, "He's on the borderline of death" or something.

Pretty good, overall, though. I like it.
you tell me who's better. i think good charlote are better than the bealtes but that's only because their lyrics mean more and they are better musicians.


Member #4 of The Mars Volta fanclub. PM happytimeharry to join.
#5
I kinda hated those "..."s at the end of every other line. The whole thing sounds...kind of lacking, the language was extremely simple. The only part I liked was the ending, the repetition was nice and I think it wrapped things up quite nicely.
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