#1
Well, i was assigned to do a project about my dreams for my future. i decided that my most important dreams were to be happy, be with someone who i truely love, and to travel the world. so this little song came into my head. Its my first real lyrics, ive written other random things that i just like to sing and play along to so they might be iffy. a pre-thanks to anyone that does review

[chorus]
Hello girl, lets travel through the world
you can be my pride and glory
ill take you where you want to go
well write our own little story

[verse 1]
Welcome to New York City
the lights are out, the party is on
in front of the broadway lights
you look so pretty
Welcome to Paris, city of love
where we parlez-vous francais
On top of the eiffel tower
your as pretty as a dove

[pre-chorus]
I just want to make you happy
i just want to see you smile
to be with you for a while
would make any day, so much better

[repeat chorus]

[verse 2]
From Detroit over to Green Bay
From Augusta to LA
Drivin around, just with you
i would smile all the way
From New Orleans to Sacremento
From Miami to New England
And everywhere else we go
Well gather up our momentos
#2
I like it for the most part. Maybe too many cities in verse 2. I think it's a good part of the verse but change the second half. Definitely good for a first song.
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#3
pretty good man
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#4
i kinda like this song, i think you need to change verse 1 and 2 i believe some how it doesnt fit
listen to "be quiet and drive" by defones maybe u can get an idea from it
#5
I tired rewriting the second verse a bit. im not sure if i like it as much though

Lets travel the country
From 'zona to Green Bay
Drivin around, just with you
i would smile all the way
Well go somewhere crazy
Like Houston or Sacramento
And everywhere else we go
Well gather up our momentos
#6
Finally a happy song. I thought they were extinct! Ok well I love the chorus, especially the last line, iits catchy enough to be the last line in the hcorus, yet rounds up what you're trying to say. Bravo, I applaud you on that. The verse, first of all, its just as uniquely written as the other parts, I like hwo your setting the scene and describing stuff, its good imagery for the reader. The pre chorus seems a little corny to me, therefore the weakest point of this mesmerizing piece. The second verse however was quite clever. I liek how you named a bunch of city's and put two lines in between them, I thought it was particulary unique. Overall, this is a hypnotizing peice, which I'll give you a 9/10 for. If you have time to crit mine as well it will be greeted with open arms. The link is in my sig, thanks.
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Last edited by calvinthecanadi at May 14, 2006,
#8
The rewrite seems much better in my opinion.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#10
Welcome to New York City
the lights are out, the party is on
in front of the broadway lights
you look so pretty tonight
Welcome to Paris, city of love
where we parlez-vous francais
On top of the eiffel tower
your as pretty as a dove


I would use the rewrite of the second verse and add the word I put in Itallics into the first verse, other than that, great song.
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#12
I enjoyed it. Reminded me of the Chili's song "Around The World", especially the first verse. If the verses were slightly rapped in the kiedis-esque way, then it would really become a RHCP song.

Defintitely use the rewrote second verse. Much improved.

I think there are a couple of forced rhymes in here though, the pre chorus is a little weak, I didn't like there being two "pretty"'s in the same verse, and the flow isn't perfick.

However, I did like this peace, thought it was very good, and would love to hear it to music. 8/10. Good job.
#13
I agree with some of the comments made about the citys in verse 2 it could do with some variation. love the idea and rhythmicly it sounds ok id love to hear a recorded version cos it looks rele gd

was great to read ta
#14
thanks for the nice reviews guys

about verse 2: yeah, its a bit iffy and i think im gonna rewrite it (again...) and then proly write another verse. ive got the guitar part perty much done, but i cant decide if i like it as a nice fast beat song or more in the romantic version that i play on my acoustic
#15
[chorus]
Hello girl, lets travel through the world
you can be my pride and glory
ill take you where you want to go
we'll write our own little story

[verse 1]
Welcome to New York City
the lights are out, the party is on
being with you on broadway
you look so pretty tonight
Welcome to Paris, city of love
where we parlez-vous francais
On top of the eiffel tower
your as lovely as a dove

[repeat chorus]

[verse 2]
Lets travel the country
From 'zona to Green Bay
Drivin around, just with you
i would smile all the way
Well go somewhere crazy
Maybe Sacramento
And everywhere else we go
Well gather up our momentos

[repeat chorus]
[solo???]

[verse 3]
TIme for the last chapter
The climax has passed
The action is falling
And were falling down too fast
From the beaches of Cali
To the mountains of vermont
We've written our story
And its the best one yet

[new chorus]
Well now girl, we've traveled the world
You've become my pride and glory
I've taken you where I wanted to go
And our own little story is now over


not sure if i like the new chorus. just wrote it to include a kinda twist. and the third verse was kinda of rushed so i may rewrite that one. thanks for any upcomming reviews