#1
I need help with this song, or crit. Im crit for crit as always =)
thanx xx

A near by witness said " i didn't see his face"
Theres no time for that now - She's bleeding, she's bleeding..!
A sickening trail of blood, marks the exact place
Hear the neighbours scream, she's bleeding, she's bleeding..!

One man said he'd caught the guy
but he had a twisted alabi..

So examine the scene,
Tell me what do you see?
A single stab wound to the main artery and,
panic! panic! panic!
The crimson footsteps
Blood on the street
as a hooded man tries to retreat
panic! panic! panic!
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
Last edited by franz.d. at May 14, 2006,
#2
Quote by franz.d.
I need help with this song, or crit. Im crit for crit as always =)
thanx xx

A near by witness said " i didn't see his face"
Theres no time for that now - She's bleeding, she's bleeding..!
A sickening trail of blood, marks the exact place
Hear the neighbours scream, she's bleeding, she's bleeding..!

I like this first stanza, the 'she's bleeding' parts I can imagine sounding really good with music

One man said he'd caught the guy
but he had a twisted alabi..

Simple but effective. Nice rhyme, not too sure about the flow though it doesn't seem quite right - maybe reword one of the lines slightly?

So examine the scene,
Tell me what do you see? - I think 'tell me what you see' would fit in better here
A single stab wound to the main artery and,
panic! panic! panic! - I like this, again can imagine it sounding ace with music
The crimson footsteps
Blood on the street
as a hooded man tries to retreat - not too sure about this line, doesn't seem to flow too well and doesn't match up to the imagery of the last two lines
panic! panic! panic!




Overall a good piece, would be interesting to hear with music as the structure seems a bit random. Maybe add a discernable chorus in there. Good work though!
A Crit back to the link in me sig would be much appreciated.
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#3
A near by witness said " i didn't see his face"

(would that be "nearby"? never mind, i'm just bein picky here nice startin line.)

Theres no time for that now - She's bleeding, she's bleeding..!
A sickening trail of blood, marks the exact place
Hear the neighbours scream, she's bleeding, she's bleeding..!

(again, cool first line. makes a great start with the one above. i think i'd take out the comma in the second line, no need for it. and i'm not very sure about the last line.. dunno why, but there's smth about it that makes it weaker than the rest.)

One man said he'd caught the guy
but he had a twisted alabi..

(i agree with greendaychris, there's smth wrong with the flow here. i'd say the second line needs one more syllable. have a look at that )

So examine the scene,
Tell me what do you see?

(what about a comma after "tell me"? yeah, bein picky again )

A single stab wound to the main artery and,
panic! panic! panic!
The crimson footsteps

("the crimson footsteps"? dunno, that "the" sounds a bit weird imo. might want to take it out.. and if u wanna keep the number of syllables u could change the next line to read "blood accross the street" or smth. dunno, just writin what comes into my head, but it's all up to u )

Blood on the street
as a hooded man tries to retreat
panic! panic! panic!

(this parts' just fine, but i think it's not strong enough as an endin. u ought to write some more imo.)

overall i like this piece, it's pretty interestin and it's an enjoyable read. i really think u ought to add some more to it, bet u can come up with quite a cool piece if u work on it. good job, keep it up, mate.

ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#4
Fankoo for all your crit guys, i agree with what yer sayin. umm,spanishsmn, yeah ur right its meant to be "nearby" lol
Il get right onto your songs asap k?
thankyouuu xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
I'm now an official Franzaholic, I love this peice that you have just written. What a way to open a song, the first line starts off quite well and gets the readers attention quite well (it got my attention atleast). In the next few lines I don't agree with the repititon of the "she's bleeding" part. Still good though. The alibi part seems awfully forced and I would either remove these two lines entirely or just fix them out right. The next stanza/verse reminds me of Blink 182 for some twisted reason... I love the last few lines, its an amazing way to end a song. Overall you have quite a clever peice on your hands, I'll give you a 8.5/10. I don't need a return crit form you.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#6
Nice piece. I like the theme of it, fits really quite well. However, i don't think you should use exclamation marks at all; it just seems out of place. That kinda ruined it for me, but not quite

I say again, the theme of murder is really good, and you've exploited it well. Very well written for the most part, well done.

If you don't mind https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359001
#7
the exclamation marks? really? ok il take ur advice. Thankyou for the crits, and to you calvinthecanadi,there just isnt words. so i sigged you! =p
I understand what you meen about the alabi bit being abit forced. I really struggled with this song actually, despite being uber inspired at the time.
Thankyou again xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
Thanks for the crit, FranzD. Anyways, I really enjoyed your song. I too really like songs with good stories, especially those that don't quite give away an ending. I thought it was very creative and interesting as well. Id give it an 8/10, just because there's always room for improvement. Id like to see how this song would sound with instruments!
#9
This is a pretty well written piece. I liked it. I think the best part is the One man said he'd caught the guy but he had a twisted alabi.. It'd be perfect if there were a few more lines to go with it and have the same scheme as the other two verses. I do like the setup, because honestly you don't see it set up that way too much. Nice job.
#10
OOOh thankyou guys. Yes id like to hear it with instruments too but i havnt shown it to the band yet =)
Cool. i was actually expecting ppl to think it was utter s***!!
=p thanx again xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#11
thanks for the crit!!!
the lyrics i like... i would like to hear what it would sound like and i agree with spanishmn with the "the crimson footsteps" it works, but it seems something else could be better there.
#12
this is cool stuff man. I'd like to see it develop more (ie what happens next) but this is a killer start. What king of music would this go to? I'm thinking it sounds like thrice/ senses fail type maybe
<my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart>
#13
Thankyou guys for the crits. The song sounds abit in between panic! at the disco and senses fail in my head =)
Ive went over the song, added and changed it abit, check it out:

A near by witness said " i didn't see his face"
Theres no time for that now - She's bleeding, she's bleeding..!
A sickening trail of blood, marks the exact place
Hear the neighbours scream, she's bleeding, she's bleeding..!

One man said he'd caught the guy
but he had a twisted alabi..

So examine the scene,
Tell me what do you see?
A single stab wound to the main artery and,
panic! panic! panic!

"our hearts go out to family and friends"
Hear a resounding scream, she's bleeding, she's bleeding..!
Crimson footsteps where a young life ends,
Police tape round the scene, stop her bleeding, her bleeding..!!
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#14
To me, it almost has a avenged sevenfold feel to it. No, make that a definate avenged sevenfold feel to it.

Its a weird song, and it sort of cuts off shaply leaving the reader/listener with a sense of "Um, ok what happens next?" I am guessing that was intentional and i like that.

Every time i read it, i like it more and more.

As well as being like something Avenged Sevenfold would do, it reminds me of an Edgar Allen Poe poem. Good job.
#15
Avenged Sevenfold?
Ohh i never thought of it that way before. Thankyou for the crit howcoolisthat =)
Yeah it was meant to be mysterious, kind of like "jenny was a friend of mine" by the killers, same kind of theme.
Thanks again
xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#16
Man that was a cool little read. This part I do not understand.


"One man said he'd caught the guy
but he had a twisted alabi.."

If you mean the man who was caught had the twisted alabi, it does not make sense. In the case that the other man thinks he did it. It would make more sense If it was something like

"A man said he was not the guy
but he had a twisted alabi".

I hope you understand what I mean. Overall I liked it alot. good work.
#17
Oh right ok. Il get to changing that right away, it does make more sense that way =p
Thankyou for your crit guitar?

xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#18
This would make a great first song on a concept album. In the other songs you can expand on the murder. For example explain why he killed here, in detail how he killed her and how he felt, and what happened to him. Since the actually writing seems to be short, I would except a long jam session somewhere in the song, possibly at the beginning to symbolize the killing. Just a thought.
#19
And a bloody good thought at that,themarsvolta i appreciate your crit and i find this a REALLY good idea =p
Gosh such smart ppl on UG.
Il talk to thee band about it and see if they fancy some sudbery avenue..
thankyou again xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#21
a good piece. I like it even though its a little different from what I like. I'd be really interested to hear the music. the structure is very well thought out and it would work well with music. thanks for the crit on my piece...
#22
no problemo =P
Thankyou for the crit on mine. Gawsh, such nice ppl.
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#23
Quote by franz.d.

A near by witness said " i didn't see his face"
Theres no time for that now - She's bleeding, she's bleeding..!
A sickening trail of blood, marks the exact place
Hear the neighbours scream, she's bleeding, she's bleeding..!
Really nice intro. Captures attention of the reader/listener. I really like the whole she's bleeding, she's bleeding thing you got going

One man said he'd caught the guy
but he had a twisted alabi..
Nice, maybe change he'd to he in the frist line to help it flow better...

So examine the scene,
Tell me what do you see?
A single stab wound to the main artery and,
panic! panic! panic!
The crimson footsteps
Blood on the street
as a hooded man tries to retreat
panic! panic! panic!
Perfect ending. Only thing I could suggest is maybe changing "Tell me what you do you see?" to "Tell me what you see?"


Overall about 9 out of 10. I really like it!
#24
I keep comin' back to this amazing peice Franz... good job again!
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#25
I like the idea of this song alot it keeps me yearning for more though! I have nothing bad to say about it except i wish it was longer 9 outta 10 for me, only because I wish there was more
#26
First I have to thankyou for the praise you gave my song. Then I want to thankyou for this inspired piece.

I think it was very well written, and like others have said, would love to hear it to music.

One man said he'd caught the guy
but he had a twisted alabi..

I really like that as a little change, or link to third stanza.

I've got no complaints with this piece. Keep it up.
#27
Thankyou to you all,jammydude44,calvinthecanadi,chloroformkisme,fecesthrower and Dartguitar.
I really appreciate all your crits =p
I wasnt expecting all this niceness.
franz xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#28
And also a thanx to the 222 people that have read it...xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#29
i thought it was kinda stupid but whats 1 mans trash is anothers treasure u notice how most of the commenters have blink 182 pictures? weiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddd XD
#30
i think this has a senses fail kinda vibe to it and i love it.. really good work, and if u could crit any of my songs, highschool heartbreak, untitled or those tears. id really appreciate it