#1
there is a Bugatti Bayrod for the best crit, cheers
oh and I should have said this is sung hard and fast, and the repitition in the chorus is kinda like an echoy effect

Well I?ve been there
Seen there
Done that
Ran at pace

Clear lunged
High voiced
Fresh thoughts
Smooth of face

Hair dyed
Teeth white
Red eyed
I loved that place

So what?s wrong With young.
Is young so wrong.
What?s going on I say it?s wrong

Well I left there
Said there
You know
No one cares

Eyes wide
Short on fear
Mine?s mine
It?s never fair

So what?s wrong With young.
Is young so wrong.
What?s going on I say it?s wrong

Now grown up
Out of luck
Heart felt
This I say

Your young, so young,
Young, so young
Please don?t let it be
So wrong
Last edited by Glenn James at Jun 1, 2006,
#2
Ok, first off, i thought the language was very plain Glenn and i was a wee bit repetitive. Other than that i thought how you worded the stanzas was quite good really and the ideas and imagery you came up with were good.

However i still feel this piece is pretty plain, it needs a lot of spicing up. I Can't really suggest anything in particular but i think you know what i mean.

Well done nonetheless.

EDIT: If you have time mate: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359001
#3
Cheers Caz, yeh it is plain; but I really have that down for my trademark. Plain, simple and flowy and hopefully a bit of meaning. I couldn't do too much to change it really, cause it is fitting nicely with the music. That isn't to say I won't try though.

Thanks again mate
#4
I liked the short lines but:

So what?s wrong
With young, Is young
So wrong
What?s going on
I say it?s wrong

This stanza, I think it's your chorus, it does not live up to the rest of the song, it lacks the imagery the rest has and doesn't seem to flow from the verses well. Overall, other than some tweaking, it has potential to be real good

If you have the time stop on by mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359179 it's my first for the site.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#5
Overall, a very interesting piece. I like the flow of it and the short lines. I particularly like verse 3, although the last line didn't seem to make sense to me. The chorus could have had a little bit more imagery than it did. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the song. Overall with the idea here and the way you wrote it, i give you an 8/10. It could be at least a 9 if you fix that chorus.
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If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

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#6
Thanks to Knife and hendrix, I have a dilemma now cause I built the whole song around the chorus, and it aint working out. The last line on the 3rd stanza is me saying I loved being young(that place). Well the whole piece is about younguns(i was the same) never really appreciating just that being young is a damn nice thing.

Thanks again
#7
Well then, I?m sure that you could adjust the chorus adequately, in order to suit your specific needs. Although in my opinion, the abrupt turn of phrase exhibited throughout, decisively limits the potential for emotional involvement, on behalf of your audience.

Good luck Glen, consider this acknowledgment.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…