#1
...apparently

just recorded this, 1st attempt, forget the writing, it's quite odd. it's the last piece i'll ever write becuase last night my pen snapped becuase i wrote this and whispered to me, you little ****, if you ever record this i'll kill you and your open mind. so i think, i write this, record it, post it, get famous and then close my mind like a garden gate and kill my own, now closed, mind:

http://adouzenaday.dmusic.com/

While walking naked on the tulip bend
Stumbling on roses, it rocks + rolls us
But as the sun burns the brass
We realise we're fine
Because

The hope is on the rose line

And now walking with wicked ones
Feels like dipping in delightful depths
And impossible dissolves like salty water
In that glass of wine
Because

The hope is on the rose line
Last edited by thepickups at May 16, 2006,
#2
The generation of interest?

I?ll return.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#4
Из всех людей, в настоящее время представьте на этом мире, я люблю наиболее хорошо рядом с вашей матерью, которая.

A portrait of the unapproachable, quite flaccid indeed.

Nevertheless my son, you, quite like I, care little for the general consensus; so in celebration of our irreverent ways, I propose a toast, marmite and all.

Thank you, and good luck.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#6
I'll point out first that you spelt 'because' wrong. I know it don't really matter, but it just looks plain crazy.
Anyhow, this is quite short, like many of your recent ones. Also, it seems very well written, so I don't have anything useful to say at all. I think the repetition is just right as well.

Good work.
#7
I'll point out first that you spelt 'because' wrong. I know it don't really matter, but it just looks plain crazy


oops. can't be assed to changed atm.

thanks though.i thought it was a crappy write for the song, i need it tidied up.

the reason quite a few lately have been short is becuase,

1.i like the look of them when they're short.
2.i can write them better, and stuff them and pack them etc.

becuase alot of what iw rite now is song lyric.

thanks
#8
Or maybe you enjoy ever so subtle punnery?

Either way, misspelling, deliberate or not, is perfectly acceptable within the confines of creative literature.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#9
Excellent, creative. Internal rhymes instead of the typical end of the line scheme are incredibly attractive to me. Alliteration makes it flow great and sound great. And the recording sounds good too because, dunno if you meant to do it on purpose or not, the way you tracked your voice below the guitar and a little grittier makes it interesting. Reminds me of Joy Division in a way.

If you have time, drop a line on mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360796
So turn off the lights cause it's night on the Sun....

if anything i say comes acrosss as pretentious, tell me what an asshole i am.
#10
I thought "rocks + rolls us" was really corny, otherwise, wonderful piece you got here. I'll listen to the recording later. Really nice.
#11
ok...well, i guess you could see where you were going with that. i like the discriptive words.
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#12
I like the repitition you use in a couple of the lines. Also, i think it's excellent enjoy that you got your point across without using over-done metaphors and trying to be extremely deep.

9/10

if you could, would you crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360878
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#13
Excellent, creative. Internal rhymes instead of the typical end of the line scheme are incredibly attractive to me


You should meet my sister, assonance.