#1
This grey and desolate world around me,
Painted scarlet by, the anger inside
Blind me from my dissipating hope,
Help thy find the faith I used to know

Pierce me
Heal me
Remember me
Now i'm starting to feel

Connective tissue is starting to form,
Life is beginning to return to it's cycle
Im sewing myself back together,
Into the person I always knew

Hurt me
Remedy
Conjure up reality
Now i'm reanimating

Stained retrospections are shrouding the grey
Scars are starting to form, and the pain is fading away
Vilipending memoirs are staining my mind
memories are found on the face of this scar

Pierce me
Heal me
Remember me
Now i know how to feel...

Edit: I revised it
Last edited by DanteR* at May 15, 2006,
#2
That's pretty cool man. I love the title. You Franchophone or did you just pick up enough to make a kick ass song name?
El Gearo:

Fender '69 Reissue Mustang
Fender American Standard P-Bass

Fender Blues Junior
#4
well lol whatever works. point is, good name and the lyrics are good.
El Gearo:

Fender '69 Reissue Mustang
Fender American Standard P-Bass

Fender Blues Junior
#5
This grey and desolate world around me,
Painted only by, the anger inside
Blind me from my dissipating hope,
Help me find the faith I used to know

I don't think the first and second lines connect, since the color of anger wouldn't be grey. The rhyme in the last two lines is good; doesn't sound forced at all.

Pierce me
Cure me
Remember me
Now i'm starting to feel

Wouldn't it be 'heal me' after piercing? I don't think cure fits in, since there has been no mention of illness or disease so far.

Connective tissue is starting to form,
Life is beginning to return to it's cycle
Im sewing myself back together,
Because in mint condition, im worth so much more

Ah, 'heal' would work alot better now in the previous stanza after reading the opening line here. The last line doesn't fit in, since you had already been damaged, you are no longer in mint-condition. And the term 'mint-condition' just doesn't sound right with this piece.

Pain me
Remedy
Conjure up reality
Now i'm reanimating

I think you should keep the parallelism in these stanzas; it's broken in the second and third line.

Stained retrospections are shrouding the grey
Scars are starting to form, and the pain is fading away
Villipending memoirs are staining my mind
memories are found on the face of the scar

You confused me at first, but then I realized that it should be 'vilipending' without the double 'll' you used. You shouldn't repeat the use of stain and memory/memoir. It dosen't sound good imo.

Pierce me
Cure me
Remember me
Now i know how to feel...



You have some work, but this piece is decent. Some tweaking here and there, and it should turn out alright.

Thanks for your thoughts on "An Evening in Nagasaki."

!troy!
#6
Quote by DanteR*
This grey and desolate world around me,
Painted only by, the anger inside
Blind me from my dissipating hope,
Help me find the faith I used to know

the punctuation in this paragraph is rather confusing. the syllable count throws off flow in line two and the triple use of me is throwing it off as well. Its a good start but the change of punctuation and overuse of words would help

Pierce me
Cure me
Remember me
Now i'm starting to feel

Rather interesting. Simple and not bad at all for some reason i like this though i usually dont like simplictic and bland stanzas

Connective tissue is starting to form,
Life is beginning to return to it's cycle
Im sewing myself back together,
Because in mint condition, im worth so much more

Another interesting stanza. I think you have very good ideas and high potential as a writer but i think you should look into the new lyrics help thread or whatever it is and make better use of literary devices to further improve your work. Once again syllable count is throwing off flow especially when the 3rd line comes around. Work on that, and it will be much better.

Pain me
Remedy
Conjure up reality
Now i'm reanimating

I dont know why im so attratced to this stanzas its rather strange really but i dont know what "pain me remedy" means especially the pain me? remedy obviously a cure but whats the pain me all about?


Stained retrospections are shrouding the grey
Scars are starting to form, and the pain is fading away
Villipending memoirs are staining my mind
memories are found on the face of the scar

Best stanza so far very very good, good diction and some literary components involved i belive it should be "face of this scar" that would be better. otherwise a great stanza.

Pierce me
Cure me
Remember me
Now i know how to feel...


Im going to keep looking into works by you. idk how many you have posted here on S&L as this is the first time ive seen you hell you may be really good and im just making a fool of myself. but if not check out the lyrics help thread or whatever its called and look into things like alliteration assonance consanance and stuff like that . Once again i look forward to more from you and If you have the type i ahve 3 works in my sig and wouldnt mind some feed back on whichever you would prefer up to you.

-Mike
#7
Its got a really epic sort of sound to it.. Nice song. To me, it's one of those songs that I would listen to only for the music.. I'm not saying that the lyrics are bad or anything, I'm just saying that they don't mean much to me, as an individule.
#8
There's a Mars Volta song called Cicatriz .. might not be a good idea to get drawn into comparison with such a ridiculously good band.

I'll be honest with you, I like the lyrics that are more simplistic in the chorus - I think a lot of people around here are trying too hard to use an expansive vocabulary to make it sound poetic, then the overall message of the song is lost in that shuffle. If you insist on trying for that kind of depth, I would listen to kunvulshun... he's on the right track as far as making some of this stuff match up with what it's preceded by.

It's not my style to say something like:
"This grey and desolate world around me,
Painted only by, the anger inside
Blind me from my dissipating hope,
Help me find the faith I used to know"


Let's look now at what exactly we know from this verse. Literally you're in a crap spot and there's not much hope. I don't want to say paraphrase, but maybe "condense" is a better word. These details kinda stagnate a song... you can spend an entire verse on what could simply be a line. Think of how much more you could be saying, explaining how you got into this situation, what you felt as you fell, etc.

See, because of all this mumbo-jumbo, I don't know anything really. You were in pain, and then you were better? But I can't tell if it was physical pain, or if you were just in a bad spot emotionally, or if it's about a girl, or a struggle with something, or... what?

I think the goal is not painting a picture with pretty words, it is painting an experience effectively for the listener. Don't underestimate the value of speaking plainly... as long as the feeling is genuine, you'll have a good song.
#9
Sorry for taking so long to crit your piece, but I've been working night shift, and I have been quite exhausted.


This grey and desolate world around me,
Painted scarlet by, the anger inside
Blind me from my dissipating hope,
Help thy find the faith I used to know

Very good stanza, can not comment on this more.

Pierce me
Heal me
Remember me
Now i'm starting to feel

Very good use of repetition, not much else to say

Connective tissue is starting to form,
Life is beginning to return to it's cycle
Im sewing myself back together,
Into the person I always knew

This is excellent, you are really doing quite well with discriptors.

Hurt me
Remedy
Conjure up reality
Now i'm reanimating

Stained retrospections are shrouding the grey
Scars are starting to form, and the pain is fading away
Vilipending memoirs are staining my mind
memories are found on the face of this scar

Pierce me
Heal me
Remember me
Now i know how to feel...

Im going to crit the rest as a whole, I really did enjoy this. Great work, the title (Cicatrix, I'm glad you have used that word, it is not use in common speech, and if you have read my items you realize I have an affinity to diction ) . The only problem I have here is that you are using the 'scar(s)' to close to each other. It may be in your best interest to find something else to be placed in their stand.

Great work my friend, I wish I could delve into more detail but I am very tired, and work is consuming me of lately....
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén
#10
Man..this is amazing. The meaning is clear but you still manage to make the whole thing a huge metaphor. I don't get the title but that's probably because I'm a little young or something..
9/10.
and thanks for the crit of my song. but it wasn't my first I've been writing forever lol.
you'd probably like a couple other songs of mine if you're looking for something that's more complex, but lately I've been getting too many people that wonder exactly what my songs are about (even though they always get somewhat of an idea) so the point of this was to be `00% clear without being too simple (which I took care of with the symbolism, I think). Well, thanks again, and great job!