#1
Hey guys this is just bit of a jumble, I kind of put a few ideas together and I was wondering if I could get some imput on maybe how to fix up the structure or whatever. Anythings appreciated! I'll be sure to drop a line on whatever you've been working on too, just leave a link or song title.


?Indigo Carmine?

Let her off with another excuse
Not really an apology for this abuse
Just a coarse play on words.
It?s hard to think how that sacred
Phrase could be put to misuse
What ever happened to that 5th grade truce??

If we rearrange these harsh circumstances
With something a bit more free
Free of unattainable chances and awkward glances
Maybe I?d reassure you with this plea

Maybe sometime you?ll get a chance to see
We?ll get the chance to see
Together
See who I really am
Not just the boxed-in attempt of the person who I want to be
Just please remember that I can?t see through your opaque outer lining either
So let?s find some time to return these overdue short-story sagas,
Scaling and climbing, higher and higher
I haven't started reading yet, I'll get there once out of this cage
But only prior to tearing out the last page

Have I ever told you we ought to collaborate sometime soon?

Let?s rewrite the unhappy ending
At the end of that turning point chapter
Wait it out, let?s see how long it takes
For the Ink to dry
Skip ahead
And see what happens after.


I know what it means
But I could never define it.
Last edited by Keegs22 at May 14, 2006,
#3
Greetings, and cheers for looking at mine.

I'll comment specifically on the structure; as per your request.

The rhyming in the first stanza at first seemed a little weird, but I believe they enhance the theme you're describing.
The second atnza appears to have too many syllables. The third line in particular was awkward - but again that could be a clever device to back up the context.

The rest of the piece dissolves into freeverse-type stuff. I see no problem with this, because a change in structure is always a good way to maintain the reader's interest, but I feel that that the context lacks some depth in many ways; 'unhappy ending' especially is a no-no.

Altogether, I don't believe you need to much guidance my friend. My opinion is that to use rhyme effectively you need to keep the lines fairly similar in length, but that'sonly me.

Cheers again.
#4
God I love your writing, you are so going up for writer of the month in my books. Yeah as DeSean said, its got a interesting structure, which embigens the overall impression of this song. I absolutely love that little bit of dark humor in the last line fo the first verse, its correctly put and works well. As for the verse, I find the rhyming to be fine. The next verse is indecribably spectacular, I don't know how to explain it, but this peice just stuck within my mind. The next verse just has this difficult structure to get my head aroudn but in my eyes it works particularily well in this circumstance. The last verse is just a great way to end a song. This is honestly one of my favourite peices on here. I'm not being stupid or anything but I really like this. 10/10 for you me lad.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#6
Thanks a ton to all who've dropped a line or two!

And Calvin, thank you!!
I guess we all have the kind of things that we're individually prone too, and this one does it for you. Really though, that post is some serious concentrated motivation for me to keep on keepin' on, thanks for lettin' me know what you think.
#7
Really liked it.

I thought the structure was fine. I liked the rhyming and that thrid stanza I thought was some of the best stuff I've seen on here. Really, really good stuff.

If only I had read this before voting my Wotm.

Awesome, keep it up. And thanks for the crit.