#1
Forbidden Love


England, 1412

I ran through the woods desperately, heedless of the thorns and branches, ignoring the cuts and the pain they gave me. I heard her scream again and willed myself to go faster. I could see the torches now, held by the village mob.
Their taunts and shouts and curses at her rang through the night air, tearing at my soul like the claws of a thousand demons.

I cleared the trees and she screamed again, a cry of pain and anguish that turned my heart black with rage. A roar so ferocious that it could have come from the devil himself erupted from me, nearly tearing my throat apart.

They turned to me, unwittingly revealing her to me. The villages raised their torches and drew their weapons, pitchforks, butchers knifes, clubs, even crosses and holy water.
But I saw none of this, only her. She lay unmoving on the grass, beaten, bloody, bleeding and broken. She lay in a pool of her own blood, almost silver in the moonlight.

I ran through the mob, barely feeling the thud of their clubs, the slash of their knifes.
I reached her in seconds, and each second seemed to last an eternity. I pulled her to me, but she cried in pain. My goal had been to get her to safety, but she could not move. I sank to my knees, her blood soaking through my breeches. ?No no no no,? I chanted over and over again. I said it like a prayer.

Her eyes fluttered open and she reached to cup my cheek with a shacking hand. ?God is finally punishing us for our wicked deeds,? she whispered.
?My darling, my lover, my love. I was born in love with you. Why would God stand inbetween??
She chuckled, but it immediately turned into a weak but violent cough. ?The mercy of God and his Son are not for such as us.? Then the light left her eyes and she lay dead in my arms. I threw my head back at the stars and screamed. ?Christ you bastard!?

?You?ll join your witch in Hell,? a priest snarled.

The mob closed in, no guilt in their eyes, only hatred. I leapt from the ground and threw myself at them, powered by the rage and hate I felt in my own tortured soul. My fists and feet struck them, but they held me down.
A priest read me the last rites, and a knife was plunged into my heart. A spray of blood washed over them, and they leaped back in disgust and fright.

A feeling like sleep overtook me, and as I closed my eyes, I saw my love smiling at me. Our spirits embraced as we soared downwards, and the gates of Hell opened before us.
We were kissed and caressed by the demons, and Satan opened his arms and embraced us. We would burn for eternity. Together.


I don't know what the community here at UG will think of this. I haven't wrote in this darker, more gothic style in over a year now, but it is the results of a quarter of weed, no sleep in 2 days, and reading "Interview With The Vampire". Crit for a crit.
#3
this is definitely one of the best pieces i've read in ages, DeSean. apart from the fact that i love this kind of dark stuff, it's really well written.
nothin much to say other than that, hope to c more of your writin soon. good job, mate.
ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#4
Wow, man, I deffinetly wasn't expecting to be reading somthing like this. But, i'll tell ya I enjoyed it
"I was born in love with you. Why would God stand inbetween??
She chuckled, but it immediately turned into a weak but violent cough. ?The mercy of God and his Son are not for such as us.? Then the light left her eyes" I enjoed this alot, along with the 1st paragraph.

"shacking hand" - Supposed to be shaking right?

I'm not gonna lie, everybody has heard about the big village mob, and pitchforks and all, that old scenario...
But I can't think of a better and refreshing way to put it than how you did, props!
I like how it's a rather dark, yet still romantic peice, it's really good dude.
#5
At first glance, it appears to a decidedly typical short story, with little invention, or indeed interesting imagery. Nevertheless, the writing in itself is of a thoroughly decent standard; nothing more, nothing less, and due to this fact, I would find it difficult to over enthuse in this regards.

Thematically, conceptually and structurally, it?s overwhelmingly clichéd. The singular narrative, compiled as a monologue, is ultimately boring; a technique that ignores the literary advances made within the previous century, reasoning that modernism barely grazed the knees of collective linguistics. Fortunately though, you seem to be happy enough with the results that you have gained, so in all honesty, I see no need to continue.

Brief advice: expand your creative diction in order to embellish atmosphere. Involve the thoughts and actions of a separate character, rather than merely reverting to a monologue. Employ dialogue to maintain the narrative, and avoid overwrought dramatics.

Cheers and good luck.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 31, 2006,
#6
This is nice coming from a different perspective. The way you described it was very dramatic and descriptive.

Their taunts and shouts and curses at her rang through the night air, tearing at my soul like the claws of a thousand demons.

I really like that line. Kinda shows how someone else's pain inflicts its own pain onto us, even if it is just emotions.

The mob closed in, no guilt in their eyes, only hatred

This is another line I really like. Especially the no guilt in their eyes, only hatred. Because it's interesting how a person can be just by describing the look in their eyes; lust, love, hatred, broken, and this was one of those moments where it needed to be said. Nice job. It'd be cool to see a prequel writing about what led up to this point, the story of lust or love, the blasphemy of it all.

Two of my songs, if you only wish to crit. I won't force ya to if ya don't feel like it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359390

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358420