#1
A fervent figure lends its shadow
to a fading headstone unadorned,
where a self-righteous hand is upright,
pointing a finger towards the sky.

And the ineffectual gesture begets a storm?

A palpable curtain of foreboding
cascades from overburdened clouds,
which rumble as they leave behind
whistling birds that burn and die.

And the downpour corrodes innocent hearts?

Rebuild and destroy!
Dream and realize!
The impenetrable shroud befalls!
The raindrops swallow all!



Leave a link, please
#2
I really liked the first stanza. Obviously the imagery is very strong. You had a nice meter going up until the 3rd line which had a weird syllable count.
The 5th line is cool; it has real impact. It's unexpected and pretty ominous. -- Nicely followed on from with "a palpable curtain of foreboding". I felt "palpable" was a bit unnecessary there, though. To me 'twas implied already. Cascades - nice diction. I like. That's a potent word.
The next single line stanza has similar function to the first in that it indicates another critical point in the narrative. The corroding hearts thing is a cool metaphor, too. Seems apt.
Nice rhyme to finish off the last stanza. The usage of imperative etc in that stanza was real effective, too. Nice work. I like.
Cheers, Ro.

P.S. LOL! can you link me to the thread that your sig is taken from?
ρ
#3
well, holy crap, I was sitting here stupidly trying to figure out what kind of rainstorm would do this and why the gesture was ineffectual as it begetts a storm, and etc. Until I finally reread the title which pretty much solves all that. With that out of the way this is an incredible dscription of the atomic bomb hitting Nagasaki, quite impressive. I enjoyed it alot. imagery is spot on.

I'd enjoy your crit on my work it's my first for the site: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359179
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#6
A fervent figure lends its shadow
to a fading headstone unadorned,
where a self-righteous hand is upright,
pointing a finger towards the sky.

And the ineffectual gesture begets a storm?

**As mentioned by the others, amazing imagery.**

A palpable curtain of foreboding
cascades from overburdened clouds,
which rumble as they leave behind
whistling birds that burn and die.

**How do you manage to make writing look so easy?**

And the downpour corrodes innocent hearts?

Rebuild and destroy!
Dream and realize!
The impenetrable shroud befalls!
The raindrops swallow all!

Purely Incredible. The imagery is astounding and many lines stick in your head the instant you read them. I wouldn't change a thing. Excellent work.

If you have the time feel free to critique mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358930
#8
i thought this was very well written. the imagery was great, and i absolutely loved your rhyming... it reminds me of how Mogli's been rhyming in the last few works... i also loved the alliteration and the rhythm was, shall i say, flawless.

good job
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#9
Thanks all! Wow, this is the most responses I've gotten in one day methinks. I will return crits now.

/me waits for someone to attack his piece.

!troy!
#10
Specific attainments:

Subtle assonance?
Inventive structure?
Useful diction?

I severely doubt that anyone would have much reason to attack this piece, seeing as it is the most impressive work that you have produced in quite some time.

Needless to say however, the final stanza lacked the more imagistic approach; you seemed to have taken with the previous few; although looked upon as a mere resolution of sorts, it is thoroughly suited to its task, and reflects the actual sentiment of the piece quite adeptly.

Good luck Troy, you?re on your way.

Also, if you don?t mind, could you have a read of this? (Refer to the foreword.)

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359768
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 15, 2006,
#11
A fervent figure lends its shadow
to a fading headstone unadorned,
where a self-righteous hand is upright,
pointing a finger towards the sky.

Class material. A bit mechanical, but good nevertheless. Me sees no flaws in need of pointing out.

And the ineffectual gesture begets a storm?

A palpable curtain of foreboding
cascades from overburdened clouds,
which rumble as they leave behind
whistling birds that burn and die.

Again, not much to point out. If I must nitpick, and I must, starting off the third line with "which" feels a little goofy to my ear. I do it a lot myself, but I hate using prepositions in these really tight pieces.

And the downpour corrodes innocent hearts?

Rebuild and destroy!
Dream and realize!
The impenetrable shroud befalls!
The raindrops swallow all!

Gah, you were going good. A little over the top in content, and way too abrupt an ending.

Okay, overall, this is quality, but you cut it short right as it was getting really good. Still, you don't see much top notch writing on this forum anymore, so I can't complain too much .
-Landon
#12
yes I think I were to find one thing wrong with this is that I would have preferred if all just gradually reverted to quiet after all the choas and destruction and it did not end quite so abruptly.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#13
I see, an anti-climax of sorts yes? If you didn't read my piece before, this is a continuation of that emotion and I thought it was fitting to end it abruptly, but I will see what I can do. Thanks again Vic and Knife. Cheers Will, glad that you actually liked something I've written lately . I will be returning crits hopefully today.

!troy!
#14
First off thanks for the crit. I think it is good sofar. I like the first stanza alot. Infact I like all the stanzas. The one line parts I did not dig that much. It is pretty good, but it could be better if you added another full stanze. Any way good work
#15
Very powerful format Troy.... I really like this peice here, I mean, I've never seen imagery like this it just goes over the edge form "good imagery" to "amazing imagery". I must applaud you on this peice. The 5th line of the entire song, is with out a doubt is the line I appreciate most. It's a wonderful line composed of imagery and soul. Its all quite creative, yet the last stanzas seems a little weaker to me for some reason. It just doesn't have the same brilliance as the writing before it. Still, its quite well written. 9.5/10 for you, Troy.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
Last edited by calvinthecanadi at May 16, 2006,
#16
there is a certain aspect of this piece that makes it drive past that slim line of good into 'great' territory. I believe it is because the theme and imagery not to mention the stark contrast all intertwine so perfectly together. Great job. End of discussion. However, the ending sux to the extreme.
#17
Firsat tiem I read it through I thought I had problems with it, second time round I realised I was wrong lol. The only problem with the ending I think is the word "Rain drops". It's not so much an anti-climax as it is an understatement and not so much an under statement as it is weak. Ruins the idea of all that power you've conveyed. Without a doubt the best part is stanza two, love the flow.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358613

Cheers.
#18
Quote by kunvulshuns
A fervent figure lends its shadow
to a fading headstone unadorned,
where a self-righteous hand is upright,
pointing a finger towards the sky.

I like these lines, they paint a neat picture in my mind. I think it's clever and orignal.

And the ineffectual gesture begets a storm?

A palpable curtain of foreboding
cascades from overburdened clouds,
which rumble as they leave behind
whistling birds that burn and die.

I like the first three lines, the fourth is kind of out of place to me. I don't really like the last line of this verse.

And the downpour corrodes innocent hearts?

Rebuild and destroy!
Dream and realize!
The impenetrable shroud befalls!
The raindrops swallow all!


I really like the last line, the raindrops swallow all. I think it's a neat way of putting it. I think the order is a little weird though, starting from rebuilding and dreaming and coming to realizations, then be swallowed (assuming by that you meant dying)


Leave a link, please


Over all I liked it, I thought it was cool. I like the subject and the angle you attacked it from. 9/10
Its how you look and how you feel
#19
This is a good piece of writing, with well written and powerful imagery, but surely this is more a poem than a song? I couldn't see this becoming a song, depending on the genre, as it's too wordy to be sung, and ordinary people wouldn't be able to relate.

It's a very good poem, though. I'd like to see more of your work, if you could point me in the right direction.
#20
^^^^I'm pretty sure you have never heard of Cedric Zavala have you? ATD-I
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#21
Ah, the promised comment. Most appreciated. These are indeed lyrics to a rather... I wouldn't know the genre, but I believe the composition for the guitar can be related to that of Lamb of God if you know the band. It's very singable/screamable and I understand where you might come from saying ordinary people wouldn't relate. I am an ordinary person who wrote this and I would argue that it's not particularly complex in content.

Thanks,
!troy!


if you want to view my previous (and less devolped pieces may I say so myself) I believe that can all be found by clicking on my user name and then to the link that says something along the lines of "Threads started by user." I'm too sure what it says exactly. This applies for any other user you would like to browse.
#23
This is a real good song and like the way you've written it. It's almost like a poem but i think it would make a good heavy metal ballad.

Please crit the stuff in my sig