#1
In honor of my literary terms test tomarrow with over 60 random poetic forms and the such. crit 4 crit. Leave a link. Troy Pwns n00bs. the last line is my favorite.

Merry Christmas Bill Fitzgerald!

She walks the ballad of the Fog,
Nature?s cogs; turning trepidation
Into the drench of age and ponds,
Into the deep of ancient songs
And ballads of a reeve:
He steps into euphonic puddles
As the naive raise in torpor
And unfathomable memory;
Surface tension poured
Into the net awaiting dreams
To fill it?s pompous threaded quota
And catch him still in midnight air
Drenched with the incontrovertible
Last edited by #1 synth at May 15, 2006,
#2
She walks the ballad of the Frog,
Nature?s cogs; turning trepidation
Into the drench of age and ponds,
Into the deep of ancient songs
And ballads of a reeve:

i like this. but i would like it more if it were "ballad of the Fog" since it isn't as slimy.
the rhyming is good, and i like the repetition in there.


He steps into each subtle puddle
As the naive levels raise with odium
And unfathomable memory; surface tension poured
Into the net awaiting dreams
To fill it?s pompous threaded gate
And catch him still in midnight air
Drenched with the incontrovertible

another good stanza... not anything i would change. again the rhyming is good.

overall, the rhyming goes great with the rhythm of the entire piece. i think this is a very good poem.
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#3
Merry Christmas Bill Fitzgerald!

*cough*thread title same as song title*cough*

She walks the ballad of the Frog,
Nature?s cogs; turning trepidation

Okay, the first line turned me off. Ballad of the Frog? I'm guessing it's later corrected by the song, seeing that 'Frog' is capitalized so it must be something more important like a name or location...or maybe your grammar is just terrible. Second line seemed fine to me.

Into the drench of age and ponds,
Into the deep of ancient songs

Okay, I really liked this. It's talking about a fairy tale (or ballad ) of a frog, and how it goes down through time, passed from one generation to the next.

And ballads of a reeve:
He steps into each subtle puddle

Subtle puddle...that's a cheap rhyme. First line wasn't my favorite, but the second one I did like. Despite the cheap rhyme. Puddles and frogs go together, but you define the two in a new way.

As the naive levels raise with odium
And unfathomable memory; surface tension poured
Into the net awaiting dreams

Well, I like the last three words of the second line and the entire third line. Personally, I think you're trying to use slightly more complex language in your first line and half of your second line. Complex language does not make the poem better. I'm sorry, but I derived more from your simply spoken lines than those you seemed to try and spice up. Just a personal preference, though.

To fill it?s pompous threaded gate
And catch him still in midnight air

I like this. His life continues on (the water) but he get's caught up in his dreams (the net). Or maybe you didn't mean this metaphor at all. Maybe I'm reading into this too much But still, you won the last Writer of the month, so you must be experienced in the metaphorical area. I'm just going to assume you were impling what I said.

Overall a nice piece, but I think it's yearning to use complex language really pulls away from the mood you were trying to enforce. Some people appreciate the language more than me, but if complex language is naturally-flowing, I love it. Here, it seemed to be jammed in there to make the piece more appealing. Still, the metaphors always score a point on my system.

8/10

They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for
Last edited by Greenfinger182 at May 14, 2006,
#4
Quote by #1 synth
In honor of my literary terms test tomarrow with over 60 random poetic forms and the such. crit 4 crit. Leave a link. Troy Pwns n00bs. the last line is my favorite.

Merry Christmas Bill Fitzgerald!

She walks the ballad of the Frog,
Nature?s cogs; turning trepidation
Into the drench of age and ponds,
Into the deep of ancient songs
And ballads of a reeve:

I didn't understand the whole ballad of the Frog thing... im guessing it's supposed to be metaphorical... age and ponds rhymes with ancient songs really well... nothing really to change here...

He steps into each subtle puddle
As the naive raise in torpor
And unfathomable memory;
Surface tension poured
Into the net awaiting dreams
To fill it?s pompous threaded quota
And catch him still in midnight air
Drenched with the incontrovertible

I agree with Greenfinger... the subtle puddle rhyme is kinda corny and cheap ...
Everything else in this stanza looks good and is well written.


This is a really well written piece, nothing really to change.

Please crit my new piece "Cicatrix" ... the link is in my sig
#5
She walks the ballad of the Fog,
Nature?s cogs; turning trepidation
Into the drench of age and ponds,
Into the deep of ancient songs
And ballads of a reeve:
He steps into each subtle puddle
As the naive raise in torpor
And unfathomable memory;
Surface tension poured
Into the net awaiting dreams
To fill it?s pompous threaded quota
And catch him still in midnight air
Drenched with the incontrovertible

Agreed "subtle puddle" is horrible :P hmm politcal feel to it though ive talked to you about this on aim. It has great flow it really does and good diction Its a very interesting read i give you. Hmm nothing much to say. No changes except subtle puddle Congrats.
#6
wow, i really liked the first 'stanza' (although it technically only is 1)
"She walks the ballad of the Fog,
Nature?s cogs; turning trepidation
Into the drench of age and ponds,
Into the deep of ancient songs
And ballads of a reeve:"

i like the imagery created here, very nice
please crit mine http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359975
Trey is a Jedi.

Co-Founder of the Ten Years After Fan Club. PM me or TheHeartbreaker to join.

Member of the Grateful Dead Fan Club. PM deadhead313313 to join.

Member of the Frank Zappa Fan Club. PM deadhead313313 to join.
#7
I'm glad you changed the 1st line from "frog" to fog, it kind of reminds me of Silent Hill, or an awesome song by Wintersleep.

You changed the subtle puddle, which is good I guess, though I didn't see it as being th atmuch of a problem, I didn't really catch on the it was a rhyme when I read it first :P

Surface tension poured
Into the net awaiting dreams

I liked that part a lot, along with the last 2 lines.

I think that this peice has a really nice flow to it, a rather different flow, and I find it suitable how the flow stops right at the last word, kind of an ubrupt stop, but it works.
GJ!

If ya could take a look at mine, that'd be sweet.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359699
#8
Every line is a petite classique.
Good job dropping that frog off at toad motel, they will teach him never to show his face again in the great literary works of Dylan Doyle. I knew a Polish frog once who married a French Frogess. They had a baby he was a Tad Pole, boom boom.

Anyway I will not crit cause I do not think it needs it, and them there above have ironed out your creases mate. But I do love euphonic puddles, oooh just the thought of them.

Anyway, hope you are keeping well bud,
say hello to Oregan for me
Cheers #1Synth
#9
Quote by Greenfinger182
Merry Christmas Bill Fitzgerald!

*cough*thread title same as song title*cough*

Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"