#1
Ok, so im totally new at this whole writing thing, so i thought id post my first song. I know its not very good, but any constructive criticizm would be greatly appreciated, so i can get better.


Another day another fairytale

Another day goes by.
Another fairytale
to tell the children in the park
And see their eyes go wide.
Another day goes by,
Surreal fantasies
I get lost tell me
What are the stories and what are the memories
love and loss and war and peace
Goblins and fairies at a royal feast
The unicorns are mad they were left out
But you?ll never know what their fight was about


Cause every day
Is a fairy tale
A children?s story created to make them smile
Cause every day
Is make believe
Behind your mask you?re jaded and naive

Another day goes by
This fantastic point of view
even now, holds strong when I look at you
Id like to think that what I see is real
But I cant be so sure

Cause sometime what you think is real
Is actually a lie
And sometimes when you think its all worked out
Its just a long goodbye

Cause every day
Is a fairy tale
A children?s story created to make them smile
Cause every day
Is make believe
Behind your mask you?re jaded and naive
#2
i liked it a lot, but theres a few things i would point out to you

"love and loss and war and peace
Goblins and fairies at a royal feast
The unicorns are mad they were left out
But you?ll never know what their fight was about"
---im not really sure i understand the meaning of that
"Cause every day
Is a fairy tale
A children?s story created to make them smile
Cause every day
Is make believe
Behind your mask you?re jaded and naive"
----i really like the rhyming in this stanza, good

"Cause sometime what you think is real
Is actually a lie
And sometimes when you think its all worked out
Its just a long goodbye"
---in this stanza, its good, but i think the last 2 lines... something with the syllable count, im not really sure, it just seems like the last line needs to be longer to go with the 2nd to last, or the 2nd to last needs to be shorter...just my thoughts

well, very good job on your first piece, keep it up, i liked it, but this was just my 2 cents, i hope you continue writing and playing!
Trey is a Jedi.

Co-Founder of the Ten Years After Fan Club. PM me or TheHeartbreaker to join.

Member of the Grateful Dead Fan Club. PM deadhead313313 to join.

Member of the Frank Zappa Fan Club. PM deadhead313313 to join.
#3
sweet, thanks for the comment, it helps alot. Any more comments would be great.
Last edited by TheMaestro at May 15, 2006,