#1
Pointless premonitions of inspiration
fueled by a desire for fraudulent
masterminded intelligences.
Archaic innovations repressed because of
contemporary contrivances and
generalized detrimental drugs.
Impelling deaths causing
sanguinary massacres between
prudent instigations of man and
evolutionary indictments of science.
An inaugural playwright from the
Clinically psychotic.


-Mike
#2
detrimental drugs.....i love that line, or phrase, i dont know why, altogether good though, i just like that tidbit
come and join the youth and beauty brigade

#5 member of the club that isn't terribly prejudiced against emo. Get over yourselves.
#3
Pointless premonitions of inspiration it has a good ring to it but the problem lies in the fact that i get no emotion out of the line. This is a problem that I have where i love my internal rhyme and cool sounding alliteration to death but there isnt enough to tether it to true feeling and it just comes across as pretentious
fueled by a desire for fraudulent
masterminded intelligences. again, in my sleep deprived mind, this solely comes across as words; not part of a story nor part of an image which is a problem. What I'm saying is you will never get out of first gear using this style, too much distance between the words, the topic, and the audience.
Archaic innovations repressed because of
contemporary contrivances and
generalized detrimental drugs. I did like this section and I thought of something I would like to add to my previous point. The reason people enjoy Will's writing so much despite the fact he is a pretentious bastard is because he takes such vocabulary and brilliant literary skills and applies them to a basic setting or contrasts them to everyday life, thereby making a satire of everything he supposedly stands for
Impelling deaths causing
sanguinary massacres betweenI liked this, can be taken both in the immediate/specific and the general
prudent instigations of man and
evolutionary indictments of science.
An inaugural playwright from the
Clinically psychotic.

Overall, it seemed like you loosened up towards the end and stopped being held up by vocabulary which helped me with your message. Before the end this was incredibly cryptic and i think that hindered you more than anyhing. My advice to you is to loosen your grip and control on your words and let them flow more rapidly out of your system. Suffice to say, this is a solid piece but not your best by any means.
#4
I think you should use these lyrics for your band, just because it'd be interesting ot hear. uhm i dunno i didn't liek this one too much. the alliteration seemed lame to me. I dunno, it was alright.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
You kind of sound like you're looking up big words in a thesaurus and trying to think of clever ways to use them...I would simplify it to get more emotion, but that's just me.
<my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart>
#6
I enjoy reading your stuff Mike, but I wonder if you're trying too hard to use complex language. Not that it really matters, but I think your work was even more enjoyable when you wrote with more freedom. Here, I found it holds the reader up a little.
Also, this seems a bit overbearingly negative. Again, not a crucial matter by any means, but it has been predominant in your last couple o' pieces.

Otherwise this was quite good. I hope I've been of help.