#1
This one isn't finished. It's not emo or anything... Right now, I'm just playing it on acoustic guitar, but I may put it to electric guitar later.. Tell me wacha think...

(Verse 1)
The stained glass
The crowded aisles
The black book
The fake smiles
The man in black
He speaks to me
He says not how things are
But how they should be

I?ve read that book
It?s all I know
I?ve been a part
Of the show
Is this a mistake?
Have I been lead astray?
Why should I listen
To what the man in black has to say?

(Chorus)
Somebody forgive this heretic
Am I such an apostate?
Show me truth in all of it
Before you excommunicate

(Verse 2)
My tortured soul
This dilemma here
What if I abandon
What I once held dear?
The man in black
The words he speaks
Of a standard so high
It can?t be reached

(Bridge)
Here I am with my tear stained eyes
I take off my bright disguise
Revealing the monster from within
I smell the stench of my own sin
The people gasp at what lies
Behind my convincing disguise
#2
Quote by howcoolisthat?
This one isn't finished. It's not emo or anything... Right now, I'm just playing it on acoustic guitar, but I may put it to electric guitar later.. Tell me wacha think...

(Verse 1)
The stained glass
The crowded aisles
The black book
The fake smiles
The man in black
He speaks to me
He says not how things are
But how they should be

Maybe more detail on the environment to place the reader in the position its really rather bland, and i hope the... intensity? increases


I?ve read that book
It?s all I know
I?ve been a part
Of the show
Is this a mistake?
Have I been lead astray?
Why should I listen
To what the man in black has to say?

Once again bland more descriptive terms would suffice. Obviously questioning once selfs religious orientations i personally odnt like "ive been a part of the show" though the rest is alright.

(Chorus)
Somebody forgive this heretic
Am I such an apostate?
Show me truth in all of it
Before you excommunicate

More interesting stanza here. though a true believer it says in the bible it says believes on faith alone and not being shown proof :P but meh w/e its something everyone goes through and eventually realizes what they truly believe


(Verse 2)
My tortured soul
This dilemma here
What if I abandon
What I once held dear?
The man in black
The words he speaks
Of a standard so high
It can?t be reached

Good stanza one of the best this stanza has very good flow to it


(Bridge)
Here I am with my tear stained eyes
I take off my bright disguise
Revealing the monster from within
I smell the stench of my own sin
The people gasp at what lies
Behind my convincing disguise



At the end i dont like the lies disguised rhyme it seems forced but the rest is good i think this piece is alright just steer clear from simplicity (though some would say its good im just not a fan of it) If you could get to either of mine theirs 3 new ones in my sig.
#3
Man, thank you for not saying that peice was awesome. I jotted it down in church one day. To be honest, parts of it suck badly. I figured that if I posted it on here, everyone would love it because they're all anti-religious finatics. I'm glad your honest.
#4
Songs about religion and faith and all that are hard to tackle. If you have faith, it's almost impossible to say it without sounding cheesy. If you don't, it's almost impossible to say it without sounding sullen, gothic, or pissed at the religion you are no longer practicing. This just comes across that way. The times you used religious terminology were the best. The chorus was decently solid because of that. So it's not all bad, but nothing special.

I guess my problem with "I've lost my faith" songs, is that they're all so despondant or angry. There are a lot of other things to believe in besides religion, so I don't see why people get so incredibly upset or angry about it. Not that it's nothing important, just that all these type of songs are so "Arrr I hate God" or "Arrr the Bible is lies." Never stuff like "I don't believe in God, but I'll find something to believe in."

I digress. What I meant to say is, your piece isn't so sullen or angry, which I think is a good thing. Again, the use of religious language was a plus and the tone was better than 99% of these types of pieces, so that's good. Now you just really need to work this so it draws us in and hits us hard. The structure is lacking.

Sorry for the rambling, hope I helped.

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#5
Work on transition and your end-game goal; what do you want the audience to get out of this, If that is not clear you dont have an excellent piece. Now go forth and prove your point via literary devices. that is all...
#6
Wow, a decent comment from Petey Cook. Most of the comments I see you make are "That song sucks". I really appriciate that you took the time to crit me. Thanks for being honest. To me, the only real attraction to the song is it's topic... I don't really see many like that.
#7
I tell it like it is, I tell it like it is...

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