#1
I know it's cliche and mushy but it's for a girl, who will never see it. OH! and i might have found a match for HendrixEdge, a girl from my school is amazing...


Breathe me in so slowly
While we?re laying down so light
For the first time in a lifetime
Everything feels right

Yeah moments pass to minutes
Seconds into hours
I?m going to stop the time and hold it back
Make this time all ours
And I know you feel the same
By the way you?re holding back
Can I hold you closer?
For the hours that seconds lack

Wrong words are the essence
And yet nothing here is wrong
The world could end with no beginning
And I?d be happy I was gone

I close my eyes and dream away
Because my head relives the day
I might as well dream for
Because to me if feels that way
I?m waking up and smiling
This dream should never end
Can you break the strand that makes us old?
Or help us live it again?
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#2
bah. nothing special i didn't like the everything feels right. line but whatever. for the hours that seconds lack, i didn't liek that line either. i did like the hours ours rhyme though, for some reason. I dunno. The away/day/way rhyme si thought were too childish. I didn't really like this piece. I miss the new auals
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
Breathe me in so slowly
While we?re laying down so light
For the first time in a lifetime
Everything feels right

I like it all except the last line, surely enough things rhyme with light that you can make something else work here without lsing the meaning.

Yeah moments pass to minutes
Seconds into hours
I?m going to stop the time and hold it back
Make this time all ours
And I know you feel the same
By the way you?re holding back
Can I hold you closer?
For the hours that seconds lack

The whole passing time, time is getting longer idea is very cliche you must admit

Wrong words are the essence
And yet nothing here is wrong
The world could end with no beginning
And I?d be happy I was gone

It feels like you are forcing the rhyme, why would you be happy to be gone when you want to be with her?

I close my eyes and dream away
Because my head relives the day
I might as well dream for
Because to me if feels that way
I?m waking up and smiling
This dream should never end
Can you break the strand that makes us old?
Or help us live it again?

This stanza just served to confuse me. Another word for head would work better, lines 3 and 4 ae confusing, perhaps adjust the syntax to make it more understandable. Answer your rethorical questions. Dreams are slightly cliche unless used in a creative way and it could be more unique here. Perhaps describe the dream to make the reader more aware of why it should not end?

Overall not bad, I'm sure you can improve it. Please visit mine, I like a crit if you have the time as everyone: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359179

Oh and I must add that I love the title if it was : Well if i'm melting then it's not because I'm on fire...
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at May 15, 2006,
#5
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
Oh and I must add that I love the title if it was : Well if i'm melting then it's not because I'm on fire...

I would, change the title too that, but the reason it's "well if i'm melting it's not because of the fire" instead of your idea is because of a song called "I Caught Fire" by The Used which was mine and my Ex's song, which would sound slightly suss anyway, thanks for your crits and this is just a piece of mine that i liked, not one that i neccessarily thought was my best. Anyway, i'm not writing much at the moment so what comes out is basically it...

Thanks for your crits
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#6
Wrong words are the essence
And yet nothing here is wrong
The world could end with no beginning
And I?d be happy I was gone


Pretty!! I really like this actually, tis nice and that. Sounds like a slow song...acousticness?
I Dunno. The title is awesome =0 =) NICE ONE.
Crit the song in my sig plees?
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#7
You like blink? you're automatically on my awesome musical taste list, and now you like my song so you're even higher lol...

Yeah definite acousticness nice word that, i tried to call a song "the acoustic song" and ended up calling it "the acoutist song" lol, anyway, thanks about the name...

OH! and to the guy who asked why i'd be happy if i was gone, it's not that i'd be happy it ended but that if for some reason it had to end then i wouldn't go feeling sorry for myself more like "i've been with her, i'm happy, content" if you understand that feeling, i had it once *looks into distance* anyway, that's off topic... thanks for the crits
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#8
Quote by Auals
You like blink? you're automatically on my awesome musical taste list, and now you like my song so you're even higher lol...

Yeah definite acousticness nice word that, i tried to call a song "the acoustic song" and ended up calling it "the acoutist song" lol, anyway, thanks about the name...


Hah yeah Blink kick ASS! Ooooh, who else is on ur AMT list?
Yeah acousticness...and acoustist...rock on =)
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#9
i really like it, for some reason i get a kinda rnb sorta vibe from it, which i think would suit it pretty well. but yeh its good
#10
Thanks cellomaster, nice name by the way, aren't many Cello players in where i live only my best mate I'm a composer so he comes in handy lol... not that i use my friends at all

hmmm... RnB aint my thing but thanks anyway, the song is like 3 minutes long, and so it's really slow and the lyrics are strung out, not really RnB style but thanks for the Idea, i'll have a look at it...
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#11
hehe im not tryin to mock anyone who plays cello, but i dont really play cello. i just thought it was a funny name. but yeh im sure whatever u do with that song it will turn out good