#1
?I wanna get back on top? ? Music and Lyrics (C) M. Smith

Howdy. I recently split with our girl and injured myself running into a fence. Some of my close friends told me to write a song about it.

So, I got together with my main man, we sat down with the guitar, penned a draft of the lyrics, thought of a decent title, and came up with the chord changes within a couple of minutes. This is a revised draft of our words.

It?s called ?I wanna get back on top?, and musically, the verse sounds a bit like Lars Frederikson?s ?Vietnam?, and the chorus sounds like Tiger Army?s ?Wander Alone?. The vocals have rich vibrato, somewhere in between Paul Stanley and Peter Shelley.

I just hope it isn?t too emo and self indulgent? We shall see.

Verse:
I wanna get back on top
I don?t wanna be ?dicted to the rocks
I find salvation in the Blitzkrieg bop
Hey ho let?s go Rock and Roll
I thought I had so much to give
Experience has told me I can?t win
I light up near our shared flat
Exhale my last cigarette and force a grin?

Chorus
I bet Girls will be my demise
They?ve always got something else to hide
My treasures of thought and memory
Somehow they always see
I never thought It?d be so hard
As I calmly cross the Blvd.
I Dodge a car, the driver looks pissed
What I?d give for an ounce of happiness (It?s pronounced ?Happiniss? btw)

Verse 2:
Tatoos and scars take their tolls
I accept the ineluctable, death toll
I reminisce better times
To lighten the weight on my soul
My head is ripped, my beliefs are torn
I wander for hours feeling forlorn
You just can?t think when you stand on the brink
Of impalement on her mephistophelean thorns?
#2
I bet Girls will be my demise

i'd change that line.. i mean you ain't going to get mad and die because of them

the rest is fine
#4
Quote by BrianApocalypse
?I wanna get back on top? ? Music and Lyrics (C) M. Smith

Verse:
I wanna get back on top
I don?t wanna be ?dicted to the rocks
I find salvation in the Blitzkrieg bop
Hey ho let?s go Rock and Roll
I thought I had so much to give
Experience has told me I can?t win
I light up near our shared flat
Exhale my last cigarette and force a grin?


I like this, a real personal tinge to it which I really like, particuarly in punk songs nothing much to change hereChorus

I bet Girls will be my demise - i quite like this line, despite what the other guy said (not trying to discredit you or owt, just disagreeing). It seems to give a sense of the inevitabelity of you making the same mistake again, and being hurt again.
They?ve always got something else to hide
My treasures of thought and memory
Somehow they always see - not sure about this line, doesn't see to flow too well
I never thought It?d be so hard
As I calmly cross the Blvd.
I Dodge a car, the driver looks pissed
What I?d give for an ounce of happiness (It?s pronounced ?Happiniss? btw)

The rest is fine IMO
Verse 2:
Tatoos and scars take their tolls
I accept the ineluctable, death toll -rhyming tolls with toll isn't the bast, maybe change it to 'death roll'?
I reminisce better times add an 'of'?
To lighten the weight on my soul
My head is ripped, my beliefs are torn
I wander for hours feeling forlorn
You just can?t think when you stand on the brink
Of impalement on her mephistophelean thorns?

This ending is really good


Overall I like the piece, you got the mix of simplicity and then good imagery and wording down really well and a good flow for the main part.

A crit back to the link in my sig would be muych appreciated

Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#5


Here's the edited version...


?I wanna get back on top? ? Music and Lyrics (C) M. Smith

Verse:
I wanna get back on top
I don?t wanna be ?dicted to the rocks
I find salvation in the Blitzkrieg bop
Hey ho let?s go Rock and Roll
I thought I had so much to give
Experience has told me I can?t win
I light up near our shared flat
Exhale my last cigarette and force a grin?

Chorus
I bet girls will be my demise
They?ve all got something negative to hide
In hindsight I can?t complain
Cause I?ll just do the same thing the next day
I never thought It?d be so hard
As I calmly cross the Blvd.
I Dodge a car, the driver looks pissed
What I?d give for an ounce of happiness (It?s pronounced ?Happiniss? btw)

Verse 2:
Tatoos and scars take their tolls
I accept the ineluctable, death roll
I reminisce better times
To lighten the weight on my soul
My head is ripped, my beliefs are torn
I wander for hours feeling forlorn
You just can?t think when you stand on the brink
Of impalement on her mephistophelean thorns?
#6
RAN INTO A FENCE????? I'd hate to see you get REALLY upset!!!!! I liked the song though. Sometimes you have to create your own real life experiences to get an interesting poem or song. You did well.
#7
Experience has told me I can?t win
I light up near our shared flat
Exhale my last cigarette and force a grin?


I really like this part of the song, its done well and you can imagine some dude smoking outside with a grin on his face.
Well i could anyway.
A good, strong, punkish like song that deserves more crit than its getting (come on UGrs!!)
9/10 from me
I like the revised edition best.
Crit the song in my sigg link pleaseeee???
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
Haha, you run into a fence!!

I don't really like the song... The lyrics are only average and there's too many song like that out there... Of course, i doubt that many of them were inspired by the writer running into a fence like this one was... 6 1/2 outta 10.