#1
wrote this piece.... i dont know if its any good or not.

its sorta about moving into a new phase of your life and growing up with changes....

so please give me anny comments, and ill return the favor.


thanks.


its funny how fast a life can rearrange
its funny to sit and watch all my friends change
so ill sit and be bitter and cynically cold
maybe its just my own fears of growing slow and old
cause i dont know who to trust in such uncertain times
i left my innocence behind enemy lines
and ill never recover it in mint condition
i feel like im stuck on this road to perdition

its funny how fast a world can be destroyed
its funny how small i feel im just a boy
so ill sit and be angry and hopelessly lost
maybe all my fears are at own my selfish cost
cause i dont know what to think in such dark unsure times
cause i left my boyhood dreams behind enemy lines
never to be relived in the new modern world
so much more realistic than the old happy world
when i knew what to think of the world i was in
just like when i dared to dream way back when i was ten

its funny how my heart jumps when i hear your name
and its funny how things were never quite the same
so ill sit and be hopelessly hopeful for you
maybe ill have a drink to my own old dreams too
and ill send them off with a real formal toast
and ill salute the memories that haunt me the most
and they all fall away into old boyhood dreams
its my new modern world and nothing is as it seems...
Member #57 of The Weezer Fan Club
#2
you used the word dream alot (intentional?) and i dont like the line saying mint condition but i did like th road perdition , overall its pretty good
#3
yeah thats a running theme. i was kind of writing aboiut leaving behind boyhood/childish dreaming and growing up and being realistic
Member #57 of The Weezer Fan Club
#4
with the exception of a line or two, i thoght it was written very well, if i were to change anything it would be where you rhymed world with world. just my opinion.
#5
thanks man.

appreciate it.

but if your referring to the lines at the end of the 2nd stanza i didnt rhyme world with world.

its in and ten at the end of those lines. still not the greaest line anyway though lol
Member #57 of The Weezer Fan Club
#6
make it growing slowly old it flows better / mint condition line is silly / replace own selfish cost with something / dream and world are overused / don't use the word happy it's so meaningless nowadays / real formal use better word choice here.

I think it would be cooler overall if you made it appear that even tho the man has grown up his dreams are still foolish, and actually use th eenemy lines part because that is a broken metaphor as you have it now. The rest is good.

If you have time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359179 crit mine.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#7
uh.. thanks.


i agree with some of the word changing suggestions, but i dont find the word happy meaningless. and as for dream and world... theyre supposed to be repeated, its just the effect i was going for.
Member #57 of The Weezer Fan Club