#1
This is about me and my girlfriend of 4 years falling apart shown through a war metaphor. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. You can listen to the song
HERE if you'd like. Thanks.

Cities crumble 'round us, the rubble buries reason
Still we stand so resiliant, we won't stop believing in
A promise made, a bond, a band
Our honor in a shake of hands
If we all stick to the plan we might come out alive

When cities crumble 'round us we don't need a reason
To fire back, cause what can we believe in
When a promise made's a promise broke
A line so trite it makes me choke
I just hope that this is all a joke
Flying over our heads

And now they're telling us to stand up and fight?
We're shooting back that we just might crash this plane into the terrain
Just to watch the fire spread
And all the faces all will be so blank
when they find out that our side had tanked
And the once mighty regime is all in shambles
In shambles

Well send out the S.O.S.
but we both now there's nothing left
We will be here til our deathes
There's no hope at all
Because our flares have all been spent for days
And though we put it different ways
Euphomisms cannot save us from this fall


And now they're telling us to stand up and fight?
We're shooting back that we just might crash this plane into the terrain
Just to watch the fire spread
And all the faces all will be so blank
when they find out that our side had tanked
And the once mighty regime is all in shambles
In shambles

All the faces will all be so blank
When they find out that I never even tried
<my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart>
#2
This is single handedly one of the best pieces I've seen here in a long time. (I'm not sure if your other piece was posted today, but it'd be a shame to get them both deleted for disobeying the 1-a-day rule). This ticket is valid for one crit, payable in full in a day's time when my brain will be less overcome.
#3
Wow thanks a lot.
I'm new to this thread (don't go on UG alot) so I didn't know the rules.
I'll delete the other guy.
<my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart>
#4
I liekd this piece. i'm qith pooch on this one. but i didn't liek the send out an sos line. mainly because it reminds of that cheesy song that was like "I'm sending out an S.O.S" but yeah the rest was pretty good.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
Quote by bosty22
This is about me and my girlfriend of 4 years falling apart shown through a war metaphor. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. You can listen to the song
HERE if you'd like. Thanks.

Cities crumble 'round us, the rubble buries reason
Only on the first line and you're using a metaphor already. Strong out of the gates!
Still we stand so resiliant, we won't stop believing in
I love the flow of the end of this line. Sound almost Neutral Milk Hotel-like
A promise made, a bond, a band
Our honor in a shake of hands
Strong. Epic. Cohen.
If we all stick to the plan we might come out alive
after what has just been put worth, this line comes out a bit weaker, you might wanna rework the rhythm.

When cities crumble 'round us we don't need a reason
To fire back, cause what can we believe in
Good. Grand actually.
When a promise made's a promise broke
A line so trite it makes me choke
excellent choice of words here. Strong rhyme as well.
I just hope that this is all a joke
Flying over our heads
I find "joke" to be a bit of a forced rhyme, you could change that. Maybe it was the rhythm too, I'm not sure entirely.

And now they're telling us to stand up and fight?
Good line. I'd omit the "up" though, for whythm's sake.
We're shooting back that we just might crash this plane into the terrain
The grammar here is ambiguous. The internal rhyme seems forced a tad.
Just to watch the fire spread
And all the faces all will be so blank
Dump the second "all" here, there's no use in repeating it.
when they find out that our side had tanked
And the once mighty regime is all in shambles
In shambles
You were able to nail the stanza closer this time.

Well send out the S.O.S.
I'll send an SOS to the world. I'll send an SOS to the world. I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle. This isn't The Police man!
but we both now there's nothing left
it's "know".
We will be here til our deathes
There's no hope at all
The piece is slowly going downhill. Super cliché last lines here. Where,s the iamgery? the vocabulary? the speelling (it's till and deaths)?
Because our flares have all been spent for days
And though we put it different ways
Euphomisms cannot save us from this fall
You,ve picked it back up for the most part here. It's "euphemisms". The fall is very cliché, try to give it a twist our elaborate.


And now they're telling us to stand up and fight?
We're shooting back that we just might crash this plane into the terrain
Just to watch the fire spread
And all the faces all will be so blank
when they find out that our side had tanked
And the once mighty regime is all in shambles
In shambles

All the faces will all be so blank
When they find out that I never even tried
Good closer


All in all, a very promising, phenomenal beginning for you. With a bit of revision, this has the potential to be a very strong piece. it can marry itself well to many styles of music (perhaps the best indicator of how good a song is, be it indie rock, hard rock, punk or metal, is whether it sounds good played with two accoustics and one voice).Don't forget to spell check and stay away from clichés and forced rhymes (you still did that especially well for a new writer, but as always, there's room for improvement). I'll be keeping an eye open for your writing in the future. Keep writing, and reading, for it's the key to becoming a great writer. Also feel free to participate as much as you can in this community, especially by critiquing other people's work because the insight you'll get from this great bucnh of people in return is worth its weight in gold (well, most of the time ).

And if you have a minute,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358107
#6
Pooch- many many thanks for the time you took to crit this, you are extremely helpful. I'll check out your piece but you obviously know much more than me when it comes to this. Sry for the bad spelling, but I must say "til" comes from unTIL so I believe that one's right
<my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart>
#7
great!!! however i feel that you should learn to use as few words as possible to express yourselve the best writers all use this.....with fewer words you get your ideas across without loosing the readers attention but overall your song can be fit into any kind of genre and still sound awesome keep up the good work and crit my work. Its way worse than yours but its a first draft thanks https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=361256
#8
Yea, this was pretty good. But to be honest, there are some misspellings like "now" instead of "know", and a couple more. But worry not, this is all just mechanics and spelling. Some lines were a bit cliche though, which didn't flow too well, like the SOS line, for example. Also, some lines kinda didn't read too well along with others, like some were much longer than others, but thats simply your choice to write in free verse i guess. Overall, its pretty good, I like the main idea about it, but it could use some spelling touch ups and stuff.

Would you please take the time to crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360955