#1
suggestions for the title please? lolz

this is a poem i made when i felt so bored because there had been a black out and it was raining hard outside... beside me was a book by s. king, "hearts in atlantis" so i read it.. i got bored so i wrote.. the "you" is fictional, just wanted to make a story...

the rain pours as gently as thunder
i hear every drop all the time
doesn't bother me though, i lay peacefully
but it's flooding on my side of the river

plenty of room to breathe, yes, there is
but the sun lost the war
i see a chirrup of light through holes of darkness
this doesn't feel right.

i imagine birds chirping
drenched feathers as soft as the breeze
it's killing me whole
you know i'm not ok

how does it feel to be far,
far away from me?
atlantis is your new world
i can't even see through.

but i am as fine as the weather
the raindrops fall on the rooftop
like drumroll played sick
but i am just fine...
Last edited by ajtfermin at May 20, 2006,
#2
I like the imagery, diction, metaphors and the whole weather/emotions feel here. It just has a lovely feel about it. The only reservation I have is the 4th stanza and (well I know you wrote it aftre reading hearts in Atlantis) but Imo this doesn't quite fit in to the rest, i can't quite grasp the connection.(let me know if I am being daft mate)
But overall a real pleasant piece of writing and I reckon good lyrics for a song. Nice ending too, just a great finishing feel.
I had a title to a piece(not as good as this) that might fit this, Drumbeat Rain.
I also like the simple vocabulary, and this is one of the best and nicest things I have read here; being that it is easily accessible aswell.

Well done mate
All the best Ajtftermin https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360663
Last edited by Glenn James at May 16, 2006,
#3
this was very good! i really loved it. i sort of didn't like the simple vocabulary, especially the "ok"s here and there. but it was a very beautiful and simple piece. keep up the good work. i loved it!
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#4
thanks guys, it's the first time i got crits like that. lol. now im thinking of ways to improve this, im not really satisfied enough.. lol.

for the title, hmm.. i think i'll have it "atlantis rain".. i dont know.. lol

anymore suggestions please? ^^;